Cleanse

This week I dug into some old personal journal entries and some books that I filled with my feelings back in like 2007 when I was at my peak of depression. As the years have gone by I have dipped into those books and kind of skimmed through them but never really actually re-read anything. Since starting my journey I have felt this huge weight and couldn't figure out what it could be. And then I remembered my books.

I have a spare room in my apartment and have successfully turned it into what I wanted to be an office into a clutter of all of my garbage. Like, a corner of the room makes sense as it is pretty organized although the rest has like my laundry I never put away, a recliner, and a random mini dresser...anyway, don't judge me, I know you all have one of those rooms. I grabbed a book and sat in my recliner and began reading. So. much. darkness. So. much. hate. Reading what it was that was holding me back from any sort of happiness was really hard to do. I plugged in my paper shredder and shred that first page and no exaggeration a weight was removed. With each page I read, I shredded it. And had "no ragrets" -not even a letter. LOL. <-- brownie points if you know the movie!

I found a few journal entries that I talked about Him and how saddened I was that not only was it affecting me as a 15 year old, but I seemed to be most upset that I had lost my friend. My whole world was invaded and all I really talked about was that I was the bad guy, and I couldn't have my friend anymore. We are friends today but not like we used to be and that still makes me sad. As I read through everything, I still feel those effects today. I still feel like the bad guy and I still miss my friend but this journey of self redemption is more important to me than you'll ever know. So I shredded those pages. I took a deep breath and thought I would cry but instead, I smiled. I felt free.

Out of 3 completely full binders of handwritten emotions I kept O N E page. A page I wrote in creative writing. -Out of all of my school courses, I N E V E R missed a creative writing class or assignment- We were to write a characteristic stanza poem and what I wrote is something that I am trying to realize I AM. It's a poem that even as a depressed, suicidal teen, I tried to tell myself long ago. Now, I want to share it with you in hopes that maybe YOU can tell yourself that..

I am?

I am powerful and strong!

I wonder why stars don't sleep at night.

I hear silence in the world

I see heaven through the sky

I want to be safe and free

I am powerful and strong!

I pretend that I am one with the world

I feel gifted to do anything I want

I touch the hearts of people

I worry I won't make the gates of heaven

I cry for the innocent people suffering

I am powerful and strong!

I understand how life and death works

I say we are all strong enough

I dream to be accepted and fit in

I try to have my color and stand out

I hope for one day I get to see my friend in heaven

I am powerful and strong!

My load feels lighter. My heart feels lighter. My life feels lighter. I feel lighter. That part of my life is gone. I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. Hell, I'm not the same girl I was three months ago. When you decide to take control of YOUR life and choose what matters most to you not just in that moment, but what will benefit you and your health down the line, it's amazing what you can do. A cleanse was needed, and I loved how I felt as each page was disintegrated from my life. I don't live there anymore. I live here, in the present, with my family who wants nothing more than to see me soar, friends who love me and a boyfriend who adores me. I think I might actually like myself.. and that's all thanks to positive support and positive outlook. 

I am powerful and strong. And so are you.

XOXO 

Self Image

I want you to take a long look at this second photo. How many of you have ever been called one of these names in a negative way? Which word stands out the most to you, or which one do you relate to most? These are things that I have been called all of my life. Some a little more harshly than others and before I knew it, these things became a part of me. Every time you said "we don't need that hoe" in my head I agreed with you and didn't even want myself. Today, I stripped everything down for you and exposed how I feel about myself. Exposing to you what I have allowed to effect me so deeply. I have spent so much of my life ashamed of my past, ashamed and I crucified myself. 

• Whore
• Annoying
• Slut
• Depressing
• Ugly
• Hoe
• Failure
• Helpless
• Suicidal
• Disgusting
• Worthless
• Selfish
• Immeasurable
• Garbage
• Good For Nothing
• Unloving
• Trash
• Bitch
• Judgmental
• Dirt
• Broken
• Stupid
• Fat

Looking at all of the words that I chose to show you it saddens me that we ALL tear each other down. We ALL feel this way deep down and maybe if we call someone else a "slut" we'll feel better. I feel repulsive, how could anyone love someone with all of these ugly attributes? And how could anyone love someone who has let all of these things become a part of me, or allowed someone else to feel in return? This is not me. And this is not you.

In This Moment has a song named "whore" and I recommend you go listen. "I am the dirt you created. I am your sinner I am your whore." Someone once told you you would never amount to anything and that you were absolute shit. You were worthless and would never find someone to love you. That you were trash and a slut. Whatever it was that made you feel so deeply IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE. These things do not make me who I am today. What I choose to do about them makes me who I am today. I will never get anywhere in life carrying these around. I will never love the right way because thoughts of "no one loves a judgmental, unloving, good for nothing bitch." That sounds a little out there but I know there is at least one person reading this that is thinking "true". 

This starts with you. What are you tired of? What do you want to change? The first realization is that all of the hard times in my life were blessings in disguise. I don't practice any religion but I do believe in God and I believe that he had a plan for the best me....and this is not it. I can mend my ways and let go of these things that you say to me. I can turn this into something powerful and liberating, and that's what I did today. Looking at a picture of me in my bra and underwear and saying "she's fat" well, I already know that, obviously...I wrote it in large letters on my fat stomach. :) There is nothing that anyone can say about me that I have not already been called or have not already thought about myself. And now, there is nothing you can say that will hurt me.

 

Goodbye to the Annie that let everything get to her. That couldn't move on because she wasn't good enough to have the best life and someone to love her. Goodbye to all of the negative things you called me or said that I was. This is not me. This will never be me. I am so much more and I can't wait to show you that! 

Thank you for your continued support and love. One day I'll get there too. 

Positive Changes

*Before you read this, especially my family, I’m making a life change. I am expressing a lot of harbored shit that I am finally ready to let go of. This is a very emotional post, but I have to do this. This is not a pity party. This is not to say how terrible I’ve had it in life. I’m rising above all of the negative aspects of my life and turning it into positive motivation for a brighter future. I was real. And I want you to be supportive on this journey. *

Have you ever done something that made you wake up? I mean really wake up. About a month or so ago I was at my sister’s house hanging out and playing with my cutest Caden. I used her bathroom and without even thinking, I used her scale – I know bad idea. I cried. I was so disgusted as I looked at where the arrow was pointing…sick. Through the tears my entire life changed. Seriously. So, with that you’re about to go into my first month of life changes and where the hell I’m even heading.

For over a year my finger friend Jae has been encouraging me to go to the gym. Mostly because you need buddies for that kind of stuff and she wanted me to be her buddy. Since I’m already her “person” I should be her buddy too, right? Anyway, I basically told her “no” like every day... and I couldn’t even lie most days and say “I have to work” ‘cuz like she was my boss haha. She even called it the ice cream shop, still didn’t go. Before I knew it, I reached my heaviest weight. Usually when you let your weight go, you’re not really letting it go on purpose, most of the time you don’t realize that its even happening. After seeing the scale, I got a fire in me. I started doing yoga, and I started going to the gym. Hell, I’ve even been working out on graves. I’ve changed my eating habits and completely 180’d my life!

Then I thought, It's kind of dumb of me to just exercise and lose the weight. Anyone can do that. I want to make more than a change. I want to completely turn my whole view on life around and see things at a more positive angle. I want to be happy. So, I've been uncomfortably trying to get myself to address certain things in my life that have been weighing me down for many many years. and this is something that if you want to follow my blog still after reading this, is going to be pretty life changing for you too hopefully.

I’ve never had good self-esteem. Ever. I have 3 BEAUTIFUL sisters and they each have their own “thing” like not a nickname but more of a feature. Beth is the pretty one, Laura is the funny one, Carrie is the smart one and I was always told “and Anne’s just….Anne.” I never measure up to my sisters and that’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I just want to be one of them, I always went to extremes to get them to tell me “Annie you look so beautiful”! or “Annie you’re perfect the way you are”. It sounds super corny and maybe even a little petty, but it’s something I rarely hear. Instead, I get swept aside because my hair is out of place, my brows don’t match, my clothes are too tight, my boyfriend is too ugly. So I just accepted that I will never be like them and it would be okay, because I liked me, and there are people who thought I was cool. Now that we are all older it’s gotten easier. They’re more supportive of me and they finally like who I’m dating (who doesn’t) and it’s gotten easier to brush “Annie, go put makeup on, you look ugly” aside, but there’s still damage.

 I didn’t want to start going to the gym and just lose the weight. I wanted to change my life. I’m not happy, even though I said I liked myself I really didn’t. I wanted to but I couldn’t, what’s to like? I carry a lot of baggage and I feel dirty. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. In order to change my life, I have to relive certain things, even the ugly ones. I have to forgive those who have wronged me. I have to forgive myself for why I held onto such things, like spending so much of my life trying to be like my sisters instead of just being me. If you’ve been following my blog prior to this post then you know a really big non-secret I’ve been harboring for many years. I’ve been told “just get over it already” and that makes me so mad, like, uncontrollably mad. How are you supposed to just get over something like that? I carry a lot of hatred for him…even for his wife...who had nothing to do with it. But I realized something. While I am sitting here drowning in solitude he is living his life. He’s married, he has kids, he owns a home and has animals and a car and a job. He has a LIFE. And what do I have? Grudges. Anger. Hatred. Nightmares. 

I need to let this go. 

I have to let this go.

For a few years now I’ve listened to the metal band, In This Moment. If you know who they are, you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, keep reading. Yes, aside from having kick ass songs from a beautiful melodic queen (seriously) they have a goal. Positivity. How many metal bands can you name that dedicate EVERY song to be an uplifting lyric? Super quick back story to the singer. Names Maria Brink. She was raped by her step father for years, lost her mother to drugs for a while, had a kid at age 15, dropped out of school, list goes on. Anyway, SHE stayed positive, even when she wanted to kill herself she knew the pain couldn’t last forever. She rebuilt herself and is helping others do the same through her music. She forgave and to be able to do that is so inspiring to me. How many nights she must have prayed for guidance, for peace. She is so humble and I absolutely LOVE her!!

I was asked a few days ago that if I feel the need to forgive him, why haven’t I done that yet. And the answer is simple. I can’t forgive until I have started to heal. And I cannot heal until I start working on myself. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and say at least 5 positive things and mean it. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling shame. I want to go to sleep at night and have dreams about unicorns and zombies, instead of re-dreaming that night. Literally, over and over again. This is a transition of complete change and that is something that cannot happen if I want to do it the correct way, and especially overnight.

I have to say, my sweet Kyle has been so amazing and so very patient. Every day he lifts me up, makes me laugh, makes me love. He gets me. He knows this is hard for me. I want to be able to not let so many things impact me so deeply and I want to be someone that I am proud of for a change. So if you are still reading (I hope you are) please follow my journey of positive change…because this is something you won’t want to miss. 

I promise.

Perfect Timing.

Do you believe in timing? I do.

In 18 days I will have reached one whole year without my sweet Bubba. This last year has been so fucking hard to say the least. I read my blog posts from last year and I am happy to say that I am doing so much better than I was. I was such a lost soul. I didn’t know who to talk to, or listen to. One single person should not have to lose that many important souls in one year. In one lifetime. But it happens and I have yet to find the purpose.

Even though I am in a better place than I was last year it does not in any way mean that I hold the answers I was looking for. But, I did get something that I wished for every day. Some days I would scream this wish and became desperate for this wish even. Then, when I settled down it came. Bubba gave me Kyle and Bubba gave Kyle me. Kyle has been in my life for a few years but not like he is right now. Our love came out of nowhere and I wouldn’t trade it for anything you have to offer.

I believe in timing. I believe that Kyle opened his eyes at just the right moment…just as we were both about to lose control of life. Bubba brought two broken souls together who unconsciously fell completely in love and knew exactly how to make the other happy. This love is intoxicating, liberating, joyful, playful, strong, real. I begged…daily. I begged for someone to find me and help me find myself. I wanted to love someone again. They say you can’t love someone when you aren’t able to love yourself. The pieces fell together so beautifully and I make sure Kyle knows how much I cherish him. He is my life. He is my best friend. He makes me find new ways of loving myself again even when I fight it.

I have one hell of a guardian angel looking out for me. Lots of things happen in my life and most of the time I just pick it up and go on with life. Other times though I know it’s my Bub and I just have to take a second and be grateful and smile at the sky. This whole thing makes me so incredibly emotional but it’s mostly happy. Kyle saved me and there is never a day I don’t feel love. We are exactly what the other needs and I believe that others see the major change in both of us individually and we have Bubba to thank for that!

Thank you friend. I’ll be seeing you.

Christmas Spirit

Every year I try to get into the Christmas spirit; and every year I can't. But, that's not really what this post is about. No, this post is a reminder that not everyone can mentally celebrate Christmas. What?

Christmas lights are probably my favorite thing about the whole season. Unfortunately, it should be family and friends right and like presents and stuff? Nope, it's the lights. It's been that way since I was a small child. Every year we would go out and find the best house with the most things in their displays and the houses that didn't have lights I honestly thought very poorly of them. "Why are there no lights on your house"? "Are you too lazy to go out and buy lights and put them up"? These are serious thoughts that I know don't only run through my head. But, then it all made sense.

2015 sucked balls. For me. For you. For everyone. I know I'm not supposed to get over it so soon but I literally have absolutely NO motivation for anything. Life. Work. Going out. So, I'm still depressed and stuff I suppose. Anyway...if I had a house to myself..it wouldn't be decorated and let me tell you why. I have no desire to celebrate a holiday I don't get to spend with the people I usually spent it with. I have no desire to make sure you are happy when you drive past my lighted house when I can't even make myself happy. Holidays are the hardest they say and they aren't lying. If only we could hibernate until spring when all of this holiday depression is over. 

I literally just had this thought the other day when I was helping my Momma Jodi clean out the bedroom in which will become mine in a few days. I realized that I'm not the only one who is struggling to get through this holiday and I must pat myself on the back because we did so good cleaning out that room and going through Papa's boxes without any tears. Everyday we get closer. 

So, wrapping this up because I swear this had a purpose...when you do drive by's to see lights and you come across one with no lights and maybe even the lights inside are off they are probably in the same boat as me. It's not because they are a Scrooge or because they are lazy. It's because it is mentally too much for them to handle and I'm going to put something on every door I see without lights. 

**side note..some people really are just Scrooges and lazy. But, don't jump the gun unless you know for sure. Be happy, be supportive, and give love.**

Depression.

I never admit when things are my fault. I never admit I'm struggling. I never ask for help unless I know it's not something that won't put someone out. I always wait until it's too late. But, I will surrender and admit that I am depressed.

Please don't judge me as I word vomit through this..

What do you think of when you hear the word "depression"?

• Lost interest
• Being sad
• Being angry
• Hiding
• Being scared
• Anxiety
• Crying for no reason
• Tired
• Insomnia
• Drinking in the morning

I checked off all of these unfortunately, and I am currently drunk. *have you noticed every blog post is when I'm drunk??  <---that's where my best writing comes from. No filter.* I don't wake up every morning hating my life. Although some days I do. I don't wake up every morning and cry. Although some days I do. The other day I was genuinely happy as I got to see my favorite friends and in a split second my chest started hurting and I wanted to cry/hide/end the day and then after a few deep breaths I was able to continue enjoying my night. This year has literally been one to test my strength. In April I lost my soulmate and very best friend. Then, exactly 6 months and a few days later, I lost a man I considered a second father. THEN last weekend my dad lost his cousin. So, I have every reason to be depressed It's just recognizing it that is the rough part. Is it possible for depression to just come and go? Or does it come and just stay? Am I actually depressed?

I talked to my bestest friend Jaelise (I'll call her out because she is my wisest friend). I said, "I think I'm depressed" and that I thought I might have been depressed already but hadn't recognized it until this last weekend after my family lost Reta. She replied "What made you realize it"? So I explained pretty much the same things that I have addressed above and this is why she is my wisest friend. "I think it's 'situation depression'" ever heard of that? Me neither. Situation depression is where your circumstances make you feel depressed overall but you can still feel happy.  She hit the target, huh? That's why she's my finger friend (;

I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I have to be "tested" to see how "strong" I am. I learned in church that God tests you on earth so you see what you're capable of for the next life. So, I have to think...what the fuck am I going to be dealing with in this "next life"?  I know that I am a warrior, and a fighter, and will fucking push through any obstacle I can to get to where I will be happy. But, do you ever get there....to the happy place? You push and push and push through your struggles and then you begin to hit a point in all of it where you feel happy/content. But thats not even your "happiest" you can always be happier right? So does god give you all of these bullshit problems so that you can learn that you can be happier? Either way, it's something that I clearly do not understand and right now I don't want to care. Depression talking?

I guess I'm part of the percentage that just doesn't take death very well. I might delete this so I hope you read fast. When I made this blog I wanted to show you all my life which is so fucking insane that I need a T.V. show sometimes. But, as I continue to tell stories of my life, it is much crazier than I ever thought. Kudos to those who have stayed in my life and continue to love me even though my life isn't what it should be. Although neither is yours...and that is why we are friends (:

Today I went and saw Bubba before a meeting I had today. All that I asked him to send me some good vibes for today and that I loved him. While I was there the sun came out. I don't know how much of the afterlife you believe in...but I believe that my Bubba is somewhere special. Somewhere magical. Whether it's heaven or somewhere else...I know he's safe and that makes me feel better.

I always start blogs and then I don't know how to close them so I just keep typing until I think of a way to close my "thoughts" or "word vomit" whatever. All I can think of is...I am human. I admitted something that I never would. Especially publicly but I did. All I ask is that you are patient with people who are going through depression. Whichever stage of depression they are going through is scary for them and they need you even though they don't tell you. Just be there. I don't even make people talk to me their presence and love is enough to get me past my negative life thoughts.

The End.

When does it get easier?

I mean, the title says it all. When does it get easier? Or even better...I'd settle for better. Just one day where I can not think about him, or watch a movie where someone dies and have to turn it off. Tell me, when does it get easier??

!!Spoiler Alert!! 

Ever seen the movie "If I Stay"? If you have not then stop reading and go watch it. Cry. Then continue reading. As you know I recently lost my very best friend Bubba. So, since it has only been 4 months I cannot watch anything where anyone close dies, has cancer...just basically anything drama related. Cannot. Handle. It. Anyway, I get on Netflix and my first instinct is to turn on "That 70's Show" because I'm re-rewatching it but then because I'm a rebel I say "What's new to Netflix"? On the trending now I see a movie called "If I Stay" and look at the synopsis and think...hmm tragedy you say? I'm a little obsessed with that so I turn it on. I thought that I was in the clear because it was also labeled children and family but I guess it doesn't matter when it comes to death.

Let me tell you what I got from the movie...

It starts out as this family who the parents were "moshers" the dad was in a band and they had 2 kids. And the daughter was more into classical music and played the cello. Then she meets this boy at school and he's in a band and starts dating her and it's really sweet. Then, the girl's family is driving (it's winter) and an oncoming truck hits some black ice I assume..It wasn't really specific, and the mom dies at the scene and the dad dies on the operating table. Right after the accident it shows the girl having an out of body experience and is watching her best friend hold hands with her grandparents as they are praying for her to come out alive. Right there is where I turned it off. So, maybe I didn't ruin it all for you as I am sure so many other things happen.

I started to tear up and you know the kind of cry where you feel it coming and you say "na, it'll pass" and so you kind of place pressure so that no tears escape and then it starts to hurt..so you just let it go? I turned off the movie and finally just let myself sob. After, I felt so mad at myself.. Like, "how could you let that bother you"? Which brings me to my initial question...When does it get easier?

Bubba is not the only loved one that I have lost. I have lost a few really really close friends/family and I have gone through the grieving steps and have found a light at the tunnel at the end. I still have my moments with them but I can honestly say that I have not experienced this kind of grief before. Perhaps that is just experiencing the steps in a different order..or maybe there was a different kind of lost feeling than I had with the other loved ones..or even maybe now I'm old enough now to understand death and understand what I'm feeling everyday.. Yeah, definitely the last one. Maybe the first one too.

I have had the opportunity to have venting time with some good friends these past few days and hearing their stories of lost loved ones helped me realize..we are all swimming in the same pot. Doesn't matter how long it's been since you lost someone, just today, 4 months ago or 10 years ago..it just doesn't matter. We simply just pull ourselves together every morning and put on the "I'm ok" face and go about our day. Certain things will always trigger an emotion whether it's a smell, a song, or a memory and you just cry to yourself in private and then put that face back on. I believe that it doesn't get easier. I believe that you miss them the same today as you did the day they went away. It just depends on how you want to handle it.

*****I did finish the movie*****
More people die and my wounds are too fresh to ever recover after watching that movie. If you want a good cry..there ya are.