Saturday, January 28, 2017

What goes around, comes around

Ever since I was a little girl I have always heard the saying "what goes around comes around" and I always thought that to be a negative aspect. Like, for instance, someone falls, you laugh and then fall. Karma. How many of us think about the positive aspect of it? If you do a service, someone will pay it forward. It is true though, most of the time it isn't as quick as bad Karma but it will still be in your favor at some point.

This is my most recent visit from Karma and it was the most liberating experience of my life. But in order to tell you that you have to know the backstory to understand the significance.

I moved into my little 2 bedroom town home a little over a year ago with my Momma Jodi. It was cool, she had Mari and I loved her and it was nice to just start a new adventure I wasn't sure at first I was ready to take. I meet my neighbor to the east of me and her daughter and they were the nicest people. Very talkative and the type to sit on their front porch and say hello to everyone. (I love those kind of people). One day Mari had to do her business and she had peed over in my neighbors yard to the west of me. The woman who owned the apartment had come home conveniently right as Mari pooped in her yard. Instead of saying "hello" I got, "you better clean that shit up" to which, you know me... "yeah, no shit". She called me a C-U-Next-Tuesday and slammed her door.

Sidetrack, I love that word. I know it's degrading and dirty but it makes my immature self hysterically laugh every time I hear it. Same with the word "Butt hole". IDK anyway no one else found that what she said was very funny, but I did.

Ever since then it felt that no matter what I did I got yelled at for it. Took Mari for a walk and she HAD to go in her yard to sniff.. she has a dog too. Jodi got her wrath multiple times a week. No one in our complex had seemed to like her. She'd call the landlord for idiotic things and at first I really found it funny. But of course, like every repetitive thing, it got old. I started retaliating by blasting metal music because I knew it would piss her off. If I was cooking, I'd literally slam my cabinets because I knew she could hear it. If her kids came outside and I was present they were to not look at me and had to shield their eyes with their hands. I am seriously not kidding. Her son actually walked straight into the grill of her husbands truck ha ha ha ha. She called me a whore like every week and a hoe. And you know I don't register those words the same way as others do. It has a more significant meaning to me. I could never have a confronted conversation with her because she'd always say something and then slam the door. This went on for almost a year.

About a month or so ago at like 12 am I locked myself out of my house and had to take apart my window to get in. It is so loud and I felt terrible but I was freezing and had nowhere else to go. Her daughter opens the door and I'm like "crap". She says "my mom wants to know if you're okay" I had a super long day at work and I was super stressed and couldn't get the last part of my window unhinged so I was crying (I am a baby). I said in a huff "I'm fine" she was like "well, if you need anything we are here for you". Gag me. I never really had any other passing with my neighbor but I noticed that although I could still hear her yell at her kids everyday she stopped pounding the walls. She stopped calling the cops because I was up too late typing. - That happened. We had that super big snow storm a few weeks ago and she came outside while I was dusting off my SUV and said I could use her shovel. I was really grateful for her offer but given her track record I was skiddish. I tried to buy my own shovel but then I remembered I am the poorest girl in all the land so I ended up using hers and she never yelled at me. Ha ha.

I got home late one night and it had been snowing and I noticed that they weren't home so I grabbed her shovel and tackled our sidewalk and got over by where they park because since she has kids and I didn't want to be mean anymore..I shoveled her side. Normally, she only shovels half of the sidewalk that leads to both our doors - I know. And then over by where her two parking spots are and then leaves mine to be snowy. That's totally fine because I am never home to shovel and crap so it never bothered me I always just laughed. The next morning (after I shoveled her part of the sidewalk) it was SO snowy. They cancelled schools and a few businesses and thankfully I have a huge SUV that I am borrowing from my dad and just drove right over that snow. - I felt cool. I had a hell of a day and cried like seven different times and was so happy when I finally came home at 9:30 pm. My parking spot that was so very snowy that morning was all nicely shoveled. So then I cried again. The next day I went and picked up Kyle to hang out and he was pretty blown away as we both pondered whether or not it was her. I made cake and took her a few pieces and K, if you know me well you know how bad my anxiety is. I stood outside with a plate full of cake and was sweating as I pep talked myself into this. I knocked. She answered and I gave her the cake, It was simple.

It turned out she was the one who shoveled my parking spot and then apologized for everything that she ever said or did to me. Guys, I almost cried. I immediately apologized and so much negativity just shed from my soul. I floated home. Literally. Remember that time I wrote about feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere and that this was all a mistake? It takes time. Karma is great at working quickly to give you what you deserve when you've been behaving badly. I think it takes a while to give you your blessings when you are being a better person because you are really learning valuable lessons and I think it's made me appreciate the art of forgiveness a little more. I hope this sticks for her and she is able to build friendships through kindness.

What you put out into the universe will always come back to you. So make sure you send out kindness and love.


Friday, January 6, 2017

Opportunities for change

            I've enjoyed scrolling through my social media feeds and seeing what everyone's resolutions are for the new year. I normally scroll through and roll my eyes at what they are because we all know you won't keep them. I can't even keep them. I wanted try something new this year. I still liked everyone's ideas for change and rolled my eyes at the others but I can't break mine you see, I'm just going to spread positivity and love. I am going to be the best me I can be and if that means I start going to the gym...well, then I guess I'm getting double rewards. Although, I am currently sitting here at 9a.m drinking a red Mtn Dew so it's safe to assume diet was not on the list of being a better me ha ha.

         You know the saying "inhale positive exhale negatives" and "if you think positive thoughts and do positive things the universe will give it back to you"? I found that to be very true. You know my neighbor that's super grumpy and rude to everyone? The other day I was dusting off my Sequoia and she leaned out her door and called my name and said I could use her shovel to clear the space in my parking spots. She would have never done anything like that in the past. I am assuming she saw me get my little Honda really stuck and having to use cardboard I fished out of the dumpster as traction to get out. Have I mentioned how much I hate winter? Anyway, I said thank you and thought maybe she'd take that offer back so I didn't use the shovel the next day. I saw she placed it right in-between our houses so that clearly means I can use it right?? Ha ha.

       One day I was self analyzing everything I was doing with my life and making a list of things I wanted to work on and a big one was positive thoughts about others. When I see a fellow sister on the street or in the store my first thought isn't going to be whether or not her shoes are cute. Or what her weight is. I would look at how beautiful her smile is as she says hi to me. Or the way she talks to her children. I wouldn't avoid eye contact because if she actually was beautiful I would try to not compare myself to her. It was definitely a chore. I did think of mean things at first and then would quickly think of something positive but that negative comment is what stayed in my head. We are trained to be that way. We are trained to see in magazines or on T.V. what is perfect and if you don't look that way you are ugly and useless. But what they fail to tell us is that the figure we hail for perfection was actually just a normal person like you and me but got computerized in photo shop to create that perfect figure. So whoever I saw on the street and judged the way her pants sagged in the back instead of hugging her figure, that's what perfection is. I carry with me the thought of what I think is perfection and it's made seeing a person as they really are so much easier. I have found who I really am as well. Judging someone by their clothes or the way their face looks doesn't make you any better than they are. It just shows how ugly you are.

      Every morning I go to the bathroom and as I wash my hands I look in the mirror at my sleepy eyes, no concealer, bed head, and sometimes eye boogers and I pick what I love. I love my under eye today because that means I was able to finally sleep. -Do you know how rare that is?! The first 3 weeks I ran this new task if you may I cried. I cried because no, I didn't like the bags under my eyes, I didn't like how I looked with bed head. The way that I saw myself is a reflection of everything I have ever been told I was and believed. Some days my confidence was up and I could name more than 3 things I loved and other days I teared up and just didn't look in the mirror. One day I was in the bathroom battling myself because not only have I gone publically about all of these changes, I started it for me. And I knew I had to keep going for me. I said aloud " I am bea-" paused, "I need to trim my hair". No, no...no negatives. "I am beau-" tears streaming down my face I started thinking of all the things I needed to get done that day and how I didn't have time to do this. Kyle came into the bathroom to brush his teeth and said "you look beautiful babe" and then kissed my ear. I stood there in my oversized bed shirt, my hair knotted and moved to the side and he still saw the same girl I am with my hair done and makeup on. I'm an emotional person by nature but I probably sat on the toilet for a while just crying. Ever since then, I've kept that in mind and it's been a little easier to battle myself. And Kyle will never know the impact he made that day.

      Whatever it is that you choose to take away from this today, please understand that you are so perfect. If you don't think you're beautiful or worth it, I do. At work I get paid to make a difference in someone's life. And I would do it for free. Be the change. Lift one another up and do it because you believe society is wrong. I will always battle my inner demons but I pray that one day I will be able to win each time they tell me I won't be as perfect as my coworker, or that lady sitting next to me on the bus and all the more reason to make this resolution last forever. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me so I apologize if posts are a little all over the place. My mind has 29 streets running at the same time.

"I am powerful and strong."


Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry, Happy Christmas.

I am sitting in my little decorated home alone this year and thought about this God forsaken holiday and how I wanted to share with you all why I hate it. (:

Ok, so, a few years ago I wrote a post about humans being greedy monsters and that was the reason that I hated this holiday..and that is still currently very accurate. I really dislike how at the beginning of the year we are all "I'm going to be a better me" with our stupid resolutions that last 2 weeks. Kudos to you if your resolution never ended (1%). Then we get into the spring and summer months and yeah, everyone is an asshole, but you get over it because there's sun and everyone enjoys sun. Then, the season keeps changing and all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving and this is usually when my tolerance for others goes down F A S T. "Day one, I'm thankful for my family" Day two. I'm thankful I have a job" "Day three through fourteen. I'm super late so I'm going to write a long novel about what I'm thankful for to make up for the days I missed." -I'm at fault for this too but in my defense I was 20 and a crowd follower ha ha. Thanksgiving dinner happens and we're all like, "everyone be safe and be kind." and then that same person who posted that beat someone up in Wal-Mart the next morning on black Friday over a T.V. like, weren't one of your thankful days that of being thankful you had a T.V. to watch the football kickoffs or whatever?

Then, that fucking Mariah Carey song is E V E R Y W H E R E you turn. One day I literally watched 3 Snapchats in a row and all 3 of them were of that song. #EyeRoll. And if it's not that song, it's every other Christmas song and you just want to punch a wall. I love country but the only thing worse than a Christmas song is a  country twang Christmas song. Y U C K. Then it snows and everyone's a far more shitty driver than usual and it's wet outside and your feet are cold, you slip and your hair is ruined. God forbid you go to any grocery store because you need food for the week. Everyone and their dog is there getting food and they're all ass holes as they stand in groups inconsiderate of others to oh, I don't know, move aside for someone maybe? You have to buy everyone a present and they never like it and most of the time they return it anyways so why bother?? But if you don't give a present you're a huge bitch. Whatever.

Please don't call me a Scrooge. I don't hate E V E R Y T H I N G about Christmas, really. My favorite thing is lights. Ever since I was a kid that was my favorite part of Christmas. Piling in the Suburban and driving around to all of the houses that had decorated. I enjoyed getting a tree this year and decorating it the way I wanted and turning it on at all times of the day. I decorated my banister and was one of the annoying bunch who wraps their door in cutsie paper. I love the spirit of it all and the way I feel when I see someone sparing change on the side of the street. Or footing the bill for whoever is behind them in the drive-thru. I love the kindness in certain people and the way they teach their kids honestly about who Santa really is. I love a child's innocence and how happy they get when the first snowflake falls. I love the beauty of the holidays. The people who give thanks and mean it. The time spent with your beautiful families and sharing more laughs and memories some even just small. I hate the nonsense of the holiday. I hate everything unnecessary. Most of the world ruins it for us small folk. I enjoy too much my simple life. I don't want all of those extravagant things. I just want you to be kind. I just want to love and see love from everyone else.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Absent Minded

These last few days have been very emotional for me. I have been second guessing myself over and over wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. I started to think that it would have been better had I stayed in the shadows like I always have. I knew that digging through my life would either make or break me and I honestly feel like it's breaking me more than it's making me into who I really am. I also have a lot of self doubt so I know that it's just that.

This post may be a little all over the place so I'm just full on warning you..

This morning I was doing my grave shift and I didn't get any sleep before hand because so much has been weighing on my mind. And also because me and my three sisters share a group text thread and sometimes I nap and wake up to 30 messages and yesterday I checked my phone and had 78 ha ha. Anyways, needless to say I was so incredibly tired so I started the shift with some coffee, and by that I mean two, and did random things to keep me awake. I changed the foil on the stove and I did a lot of weird snapchats  (I'm sorry). Randomly I had a thought about Bubba and was kind of blind sided. I'm a little weary of saying this but I need to..I realized in that moment that it had been days since I actually thought about Bubba. I know :/ I immediately felt like the worlds shittiest person. I felt like the worlds worst friend. How do you just not think about your best friend? After crying and staring at the ceiling apologizing I realized that I might not be the only one that this happens to. If this has never happened to you then whatever, you're a really good person and stuff. I had a vent session with a friend today and she confirmed that I am not the only one this has happened to..so, if you were previously judging me then you suck. She sometimes goes about her day and then realizes she hasn't really thought about her mother and said that it doesn't change her love in any way.

I have been doing so much lately. So much work trying to say three things I love about myself daily, complimenting at least three people and meaning it, and a mountain of work related things. My mom just left yesterday to Australia for four months and I have been having anxiety over that...if you know my relationship with my mom then you understand. I'm working on my relationship with Kyle and all of that seems to have sucked all of my mental time. Not all in a bad way either. Maybe what I am doing for myself and my overall happiness isn't what the mistake is. Maybe it is the load I have allowed myself to take on that is the mistake. I also tend to overthink and over-dramatize everything, welcome to my anxiety.

 I know that I carry Bubba with me everywhere I go, I know he is always there. I also know that I am a bother to some people when I constantly talk about Bubba because they feel uncomfortable and even immeasurable, or that I can't love again the way I loved him. And they're right. I will never find someone like Bub, and I will never love anyone the way that I loved him either and maybe that is the point. I mean really, I don't want to love my friends or future husband or children the way I loved Bubba because I want to love them the way I love them if that makes sense. Like, I will love them in our own unique and special way and hopefully that will be enough for them. Bubba was a beautiful chapter in my life and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time I start my new chapter and I have to be okay with that.

This is not a mistake. This is the only right thing I feel right now. My self doubt is strong. But it's not as strong as my gut that has been screaming every purpose I have and reasons why this is the farthest thing from a mistake. So, maybe I'm so busy I forgot a moment to think about Bubba, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. This is me opening my heart to new memories I deserve to have. I hope that you reading this opens your eyes too that it's okay to close the chapter. Your story doesn't stop there.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Cleanse

This week I dug into some old personal journal entries and some books that I filled with my feelings back in like 2007 when I was at my peak of depression. As the years have gone by I have dipped into those books and kind of skimmed through them but never really actually re-read anything. Since starting my journey I have felt this huge weight and couldn't figure out what it could be. And then I remembered my books.

I have a spare room in my apartment and have successfully turned it into what I wanted to be an office into a clutter of all of my garbage. Like, a corner of the room makes sense as it is pretty organized although the rest has like my laundry I never put away, a recliner, and a random mini dresser...anyway, don't judge me, I know you all have one of those rooms. I grabbed a book and sat in my recliner and began reading. So. much. darkness. So. much. hate. Reading what it was that was holding me back from any sort of happiness was really hard to do. I plugged in my paper shredder and shred that first page and no exaggeration a weight was removed. With each page I read, I shredded it. And had "no ragrets" -not even a letter. LOL. <-- brownie points if you know the movie!

I found a few journal entries that I talked about Him and how saddened I was that not only was it affecting me as a 15 year old, but I seemed to be most upset that I had lost my friend. My whole world was invaded and all I really talked about was that I was the bad guy, and I couldn't have my friend anymore. We are friends today but not like we used to be and that still makes me sad. As I read through everything, I still feel those effects today. I still feel like the bad guy and I still miss my friend but this journey of self redemption is more important to me than you'll ever know. So I shredded those pages. I took a deep breath and thought I would cry but instead, I smiled. I felt free.

Out of 3 completely full binders of handwritten emotions I kept O N E page. A page I wrote in creative writing. -Out of all of my school courses, I N E V E R missed a creative writing class or assignment- We were to write a characteristic stanza poem and what I wrote is something that I am trying to realize I AM. It's a poem that even as a depressed, suicidal teen, I tried to tell myself long ago. Now, I want to share it with you in hopes that maybe YOU can tell yourself that..

I am?
I am powerful and strong!
I wonder why stars don't sleep at night.
I hear silence in the world
I see heaven through the sky
I want to be safe and free
I am powerful and strong!

I pretend that I am one with the world
I feel gifted to do anything I want
I touch the hearts of people
I worry I won't make the gates of heaven
I cry for the innocent people suffering
I am powerful and strong!

I understand how life and death works
I say we are all strong enough
I dream to be accepted and fit in
I try to have my color and stand out
I hope for one day I get to see my friend in heaven
I am powerful and strong!

My load feels lighter. My heart feels lighter. My life feels lighter. I feel lighter. That part of my life is gone. I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. Hell, I'm not the same girl I was three months ago. When you decide to take control of YOUR life and choose what matters most to you not just in that moment, but what will benefit you and your health down the line, it's amazing what you can do. A cleanse was needed, and I loved how I felt as each page was disintegrated from my life. I don't live there anymore. I live here, in the present, with my family who wants nothing more than to see me soar, friends who love me and a boyfriend who adores me. I think I might actually like myself.. and that's all thanks to positive support and positive outlook. 

I am powerful and strong. And so are you.

XOXO 

Friday, November 18, 2016

Self Image



I want you to take a long look at this second photo. How many of you have ever been called one of these names in a negative way? Which word stands out the most to you, or which one do you relate to most? These are things that I have been called all of my life. Some a little more harshly than others and before I knew it, these things became a part of me. Every time you said "we don't need that hoe" in my head I agreed with you and didn't even want myself. Today, I stripped everything down for you and exposed how I feel about myself. Exposing to you what I have allowed to effect me so deeply. I have spent so much of my life ashamed of my past, ashamed and I crucified myself. 

  • Whore
  • Annoying
  • Slut
  • Depressing
  • Ugly
  • Hoe
  • Failure
  • Helpless
  • Suicidal
  • Disgusting
  • Worthless
  • Selfish
  • Immeasurable
  • Garbage
  • Good For Nothing
  • Unloving
  • Trash
  • Bitch
  • Judgmental
  • Dirt
  • Broken
  • Stupid
  • Fat
Looking at all of the words that I chose to show you it saddens me that we ALL tear each other down. We ALL feel this way deep down and maybe if we call someone else a "slut" we'll feel better. I feel repulsive, how could anyone love someone with all of these ugly attributes? And how could anyone love someone who has let all of these things become a part of me, or allowed someone else to feel in return? This is not me. And this is not you.

In This Moment has a song named "whore" and I recommend you go listen. "I am the dirt you created. I am your sinner I am your whore." Someone once told you you would never amount to anything and that you were absolute shit. You were worthless and would never find someone to love you. That you were trash and a slut. Whatever it was that made you feel so deeply IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE. These things do not make me who I am today. What I choose to do about them makes me who I am today. I will never get anywhere in life carrying these around. I will never love the right way because thoughts of "no one loves a judgmental, unloving, good for nothing bitch." That sounds a little out there but I know there is at least one person reading this that is thinking "true". 

This starts with you. What are you tired of? What do you want to change? The first realization is that all of the hard times in my life were blessings in disguise. I don't practice any religion but I do believe in God and I believe that he had a plan for the best me....and this is not it. I can mend my ways and let go of these things that you say to me. I can turn this into something powerful and liberating, and that's what I did today. Looking at a picture of me in my bra and underwear and saying "she's fat" well, I already know that, obviously...I wrote it in large letters on my fat stomach. :) There is nothing that anyone can say about me that I have not already been called or have not already thought about myself. And now, there is nothing you can say that will hurt me.

 

Goodbye to the Annie that let everything get to her. That couldn't move on because she wasn't good enough to have the best life and someone to love her. Goodbye to all of the negative things you called me or said that I was. This is not me. This will never be me. I am so much more and I can't wait to show you that! 

Thank you for your continued support and love. One day I'll get there too. 



Friday, September 30, 2016

Positive Changes

*Before you read this, especially my family, I’m making a life change. I am expressing a lot of harbored shit that I am finally ready to let go of. This is a very emotional post, but I have to do this. This is not a pity party. This is not to say how terrible I’ve had it in life. I’m rising above all of the negative aspects of my life and turning it into positive motivation for a brighter future. I was real. And I want you to be supportive on this journey. *

Have you ever done something that made you wake up? I mean really wake up. About a month or so ago I was at my sister’s house hanging out and playing with my cutest Caden. I used her bathroom and without even thinking, I used her scale – I know bad idea. I cried. I was so disgusted as I looked at where the arrow was pointing…sick. Through the tears my entire life changed. Seriously. So, with that you’re about to go into my first month of life changes and where the hell I’m even heading.
For over a year my finger friend Jae has been encouraging me to go to the gym. Mostly because you need buddies for that kind of stuff and she wanted me to be her buddy. Since I’m already her “person” I should be her buddy too, right? Anyway, I basically told her “no” like every day... and I couldn’t even lie most days and say “I have to work” ‘cuz like she was my boss haha. She even called it the ice cream shop, still didn’t go. Before I knew it, I reached my heaviest weight. Usually when you let your weight go, you’re not really letting it go on purpose, most of the time you don’t realize that its even happening. After seeing the scale, I got a fire in me. I started doing yoga, and I started going to the gym. Hell, I’ve even been working out on graves. I’ve changed my eating habits and completely 180’d my life!
Then I thought, It's kind of dumb of me to just exercise and lose the weight. Anyone can do that. I want to make more than a change. I want to completely turn my whole view on life around and see things at a more positive angle. I want to be happy. So, I've been uncomfortably trying to get myself to address certain things in my life that have been weighing me down for many many years. and this is something that if you want to follow my blog still after reading this, is going to be pretty life changing for you too hopefully.
I’ve never had good self-esteem. Ever. I have 3 BEAUTIFUL sisters and they each have their own “thing” like not a nickname but more of a feature. Beth is the pretty one, Laura is the funny one, Carrie is the smart one and I was always told “and Anne’s just….Anne.” I never measure up to my sisters and that’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I just want to be one of them, I always went to extremes to get them to tell me “Annie you look so beautiful”! or “Annie you’re perfect the way you are”. It sounds super corny and maybe even a little petty, but it’s something I rarely hear. Instead, I get swept aside because my hair is out of place, my brows don’t match, my clothes are too tight, my boyfriend is too ugly. So I just accepted that I will never be like them and it would be okay, because I liked me, and there are people who thought I was cool. Now that we are all older it’s gotten easier. They’re more supportive of me and they finally like who I’m dating (who doesn’t) and it’s gotten easier to brush “Annie, go put makeup on, you look ugly” aside, but there’s still damage.
 I didn’t want to start going to the gym and just lose the weight. I wanted to change my life. I’m not happy, even though I said I liked myself I really didn’t. I wanted to but I couldn’t, what’s to like? I carry a lot of baggage and I feel dirty. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. In order to change my life, I have to relive certain things, even the ugly ones. I have to forgive those who have wronged me. I have to forgive myself for why I held onto such things, like spending so much of my life trying to be like my sisters instead of just being me. If you’ve been following my blog prior to this post then you know a really big non-secret I’ve been harboring for many years. I’ve been told “just get over it already” and that makes me so mad, like, uncontrollably mad. How are you supposed to just get over something like that? I carry a lot of hatred for him…even for his wife...who had nothing to do with it. But I realized something. While I am sitting here drowning in solitude he is living his life. He’s married, he has kids, he owns a home and has animals and a car and a job. He has a LIFE. And what do I have? Grudges. Anger. Hatred. Nightmares. 
I need to let this go. 
I have to let this go.
For a few years now I’ve listened to the metal band, In This Moment. If you know who they are, you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, keep reading. Yes, aside from having kick ass songs from a beautiful melodic queen (seriously) they have a goal. Positivity. How many metal bands can you name that dedicate EVERY song to be an uplifting lyric? Super quick back story to the singer. Names Maria Brink. She was raped by her step father for years, lost her mother to drugs for a while, had a kid at age 15, dropped out of school, list goes on. Anyway, SHE stayed positive, even when she wanted to kill herself she knew the pain couldn’t last forever. She rebuilt herself and is helping others do the same through her music. She forgave and to be able to do that is so inspiring to me. How many nights she must have prayed for guidance, for peace. She is so humble and I absolutely LOVE her!!
I was asked a few days ago that if I feel the need to forgive him, why haven’t I done that yet. And the answer is simple. I can’t forgive until I have started to heal. And I cannot heal until I start working on myself. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and say at least 5 positive things and mean it. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling shame. I want to go to sleep at night and have dreams about unicorns and zombies, instead of re-dreaming that night. Literally, over and over again. This is a transition of complete change and that is something that cannot happen if I want to do it the correct way, and especially overnight.
I have to say, my sweet Kyle has been so amazing and so very patient. Every day he lifts me up, makes me laugh, makes me love. He gets me. He knows this is hard for me. I want to be able to not let so many things impact me so deeply and I want to be someone that I am proud of for a change. So if you are still reading (I hope you are) please follow my journey of positive change…because this is something you won’t want to miss. 
I promise.