Thursday, August 2, 2018

One Year Later.

I feel so caught up in my baby drama that I haven't been taking care of myself. Funny how at the most important time of this particular year I wake up thinking "crap". July, August and September mark one year anniversaries. My grandma passed in July just two days before I flew to Australia. I missed her funeral but I will never forget the goodbye I was brave enough to have. I remember walking to the door and almost going home. A lot of people in my life have died and in some ways it makes me numb to know someone I love is dying. I felt different with my grandma and the whole time I was extremely uncomfortable but after I left I felt a wave of secure emotions and it was okay to mourn. The next morning she passed on.

I left to Australia and had the time of my life. Came back home the first week of August and things were starting to simmer. I was getting back into my work groove and my family was doing great. My 7 month old niece Zayley passed away after I received a phone call from my sister Beth. I was towards the last two hours of my grave shift and was preparing meds for my clients. She called to say that Z had been rushed to the hospital and wasn't sure if she was going to make it. In that moment I remember a panic feeling and the urge to run. I think I realized in that moment I live my life on survival mode. I called for coverage and bolted out the front door. I drove home without crying I just wanted to go home. The second I walked through our bedroom door and Kyle lifted up his head I just bawled. I don't remember if I was able to tell him anything I just remember almost screaming. I cried really hard for about 20 minutes and had even woken up Jodi in a panic. After crying I remember just sitting in silence unable to speak nor move. My sister Carrie called to let me know Zayley didn't survive and asked if I was going to come down and together we cried again. I received many other phone calls from each member of my family over the course of about two hours to make sure we were all okay. I had said I wasn't sure if I would make it down because on grave brain and news like this I shouldn't have been driving to Ogden. Something inside me told me I should for my brothers sake but something else urged me to stay home. I ended up finally falling asleep hours later and when I woke up there was about a two second time where I thought it didn't happen followed by a wave of 'oh yes it did'. My body felt extremely heavy and I couldn't move. I couldn't look at anyone and I didn't speak.

Today I am remembering these feelings in particular following my sisters Facebook post about my nephew last night. My family struggled with babies for what felt like forever. My sisters feared to touch another baby because all they saw were their own memories of holding Z one last time. Death affects everyone. And unfortunately something I never considered was how much death affects children. Zayley's sister Zoey is three. She'll be 4 in a few weeks and this has affected her. She has her own traumatic memories of what happened the morning my brother found his daughter. She remembers the screaming, the police and she remembers her sister didn't come home. She recently started opening up about it and panics everywhere my brother or mom take her in fear she will die there. My sweetest nephew thinks that my little babe is Zayley and he is SO excited for my baby shower on Saturday because he thinks Z is going to be there. All of my presents from everyone showed up at his house and he made sure Carrie was delicate with the boxes because he didn't want Zayley to not have any decorations for her room.

I use rainbows as a way of release. As a promise of tomorrow. I use rainbows because they only come after something tragic happens. After filth has been washed away it's a promise that your path will become clearer. Losing my niece was so hard and I can think I am past all of the anguish but that is just a lie. I have come to realize that my way of grieving is okay. I know we go through steps differently and I admittedly know why I never went down to say goodbye to Z. I watch my siblings replay that hospital room, replay their tears. I know 100% I couldn't come back from that. I still have moments where I'm back in the hospital saying goodbye to Bubba and it feels fresh and not that three years have passed. I remember how I felt driving to my sisters that night and sinking to the floor with my brother in law Cam. I couldn't do it again and I know it's okay that I couldn't.

I survived July and have survived two days of August. Next month I have one more hurtle to climb as I reach the year mark for my friend Jen. Anniversaries are always hard and so are birthdays. But I can't help but remember that through this mess I buried for a year I received my rainbow and she's coming right in the middle of all of this. Three anniversaries all together is really tough. But, it's a blessing that I can look forward to her because she was sent to me on purpose and that's a reason to celebrate life. I pray for my family daily and forget to pray for myself. I can't help but think that this tiny heavenly flower is going to bring more than just healing. I feel so strongly about her name!

Sunday, July 29, 2018

the Strength of a Thousand Prayers

Most times I blog I cry. But, I am on cloud nine, my family is on cloud nine and I have clarity. There are two quotes I LOVE, "after every storm there is a rainbow of hope" and "no rainbow comes without a storm". The beautiful yet frustrating thing about rainbows is that they really don't exist without a storm. A storm being death or a high risk pregnancy. I have situational depression and July has been one of my hardest months this year. I sucked it up at work and shut down quite a few times. I avoided family and friends and somedays even Kyle. I'm not the only one going through this trial and I understand everyone is struggling but I am the one carrying her. I am the one who keeps her alive. It is my mood, my love and my strength that she will inherit and do you know how hard it is to stay above the storm each day not knowing?

I cleansed my crystals and I accepted everyone's prayers for us. Message after message from friends and family I don't talk to often. People I didn't even know were still connected through social media. All letting me know they loved me and were sending their support through whatever higher power they believed in. When you are in the deepest of your own despair you take the prayers, you say thanks and you carry on. It isn't until the prayers and thoughts are answered that you really understand what the power was meant for.

June 26th I saw a cardiologist for babe and the results were more than devastating. The hole between her two chambers was small but it was a hole none the less. "Just one more thing" I thought and later that night when I called Kyle that was exactly what he said. It's hard for techs to measure this girl and I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down. She's ALWAYS MOVING!! The cardiologist tried for about an hour to inspect her heart because he felt there was coarctation of the aorta which he had described as "thinning". But, because my child can't hold still he wasn't positive it was that and we would have to come back nearly a month later to ensure what he saw is in fact what he saw.

I woke up Friday morning and felt good. I felt really good. I said it was going to be a good day and I did that for me. It was payday, I paid my rent early and I didn't even think about the appointment but I knew if I was already happy I would be fine. I drove down and became anxious. I started sweating and I could feel my brain fuzz over. My sister has a heart defect and came to this appointment because she felt that what she has was hereditary and then of course my mom was there. I will warn you all, if you ever have to go do an echo just know that your appointment is super awkward and the techs don't say much to you. They are friendly but they don't say "okay now were looking at this chamber" or "oh look she's waving at you". They whisper and it makes you feel like oh my God somethings wrong...is something wrong? My mom said "isn't this cool?" and my sister goes "it would be a lot cooler if we knew what was going on." HA HA HA.

The doctor who saw us this time was different from the cardiologist I saw before and he was very friendly. When he finished he casually said "the hole has shrunk so small that I don't see the need for surgery. And I briefly got a great view of the problem we weren't sure about but there is nothing wrong with it". We were silent and he said "so that's good news!" So all of a sudden I realized life is full of those 'rainbows' I keep forgetting to remember I'll see when it's supposed to make sense. Other than the surgery to rearrange her organs and repair the hernia she won't need further surgeries.
*insert tears*

I am beyond grateful for my life. It has been far from perfect and I have known the taste of Hell. I also know the taste of Heaven because I was surrounded by exactly who I needed to be. All of the prayers, all of the ones who went out of their way to send a quick message just to say they were thinking of us carried me, Kyle and our baby so far. I can't speak for Kyle but I feel the love and support, thank you!

Next weekend is my first baby shower and then I can FINALLY start using her bloody name! I kept almost typing it ha ha.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Why me or try me.

Remember that one time a few years ago when I woke up and decided I'd take control of my life, face every demon and win? I find myself about two years later and I seem to have lost that momentum. I constantly find myself asking "why me" nearly everyday. Recently, I have asked "why her" and I realize today I am starting a bad habit for my child. No matter your opinions or what you believe, I believe 1000% that she can feel what I feel. She absorbs my energy and if I am currently feeling "why me" and anxiety filled so will she.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is where your diaphragm doesn't close, thus leaving a hole welcoming organs into your chest area. That is what our child has. That news has brought a lot of tears and from there quite literally things have felt as though it has just gone downhill. After being poked almost too many times I have Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I feel somewhat of an expert with diabetes as a few I am close to have both type 1 and 2. Unfortunately, Gestational Diabetes is a little different from that. I hung up the phone and of course bawled. Pregnancy sure has a way of making you feel helpless with your emotions. I fell into a depressive state where I was saying to myself, "what else", which obviously I have quickly learned not to ask.

I ventured down to Primary Children's in Salt Lake with my mom last week to my fetal echo appointment and I was feeling extremely flustered. I had to fill out an information sheet and they asked questions that I felt they already knew as I had answered these questions before on the phone. They are also on my medical chart. -They literally asked if I was pregnant. "That's why I'm here" was my answer. I was called back and handed my sheet to the nurse and apologized as she read down the sheet for my sarcastic answers. Her facial expression changed and all I could say was "pretty sure you already have this information so I'm sorry if it's too sarcastic. I can redo it." The nurse was nice and  just moved on. The highlight of the appointment was seeing my child. Seeing her heart beating, seeing her moving and seeing the sweet smile on my moms face as she kept saying "you always did that too". The appointment was quiet and I desperately wanted the techs from Logan back. They didn't explain things, they whispered amongst themselves and I just laid there like "now what". A towel was tossed onto me and I was asked to rub the sticky jelly off my belly and come into the conference room when finished. We got into the conference room and the doctor began explaining his findings. I realized quickly that was why they didn't explain things in the room because they wanted to formally talk to us after but telling me that was their plan would have been cool. A condition called Ventricular Septal Defect was found. Essentially a hole in her heart. Immediately every word after that didn't make it through. All I could think of was that's what else. My eyes kept welling and I shook my head vigorously "yes" as he explained things but couldn't take anything else in. "It's repairable" was said many times. WHY!? Literally, why? I left the appointment in tears. I sat in the bathroom for a while trying to get myself together. I envy the women who get to enjoy their pregnancy. I feel angry.

The next day I had my first MRI and thought I wasn't going to fit all the way in there. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic! I felt snug enough I actually almost fell asleep. If it wasn't for the noisy machine I probably would have. We later met surgeons and NICU nurses and they were so friendly. They loaded us all with information and then asked if we had any questions. So glad I took my mom because she had several. She's never been afraid to speak up. Any questions that were asked were valued and explained in as much detail as possible. There was one NICU nurse that elaborated, for me anyway, what the doctors were saying in a language we understood. I think she's done this before. I felt fine and only thought about Kyle. I got home after a quiet ride in the car and just sat on the couch feeling so overwhelmed. The depressive state kept coming and I just laid in bed. I ignored nearly all the messages I had received that night and didn't call my sister even though I told her I would.

I thought, you got the wrong girl for this. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was sure I couldn't handle it and I am still struggling. It comes in waves and like I said, It's all about my positive energy. The following morning I messaged my bestie Jae and desperately asked for something to make me calm. Anything. She's into crystals and meditation and will be so perfect as baby's godmother. She took me to a health store and we walked around. I wasn't all in and had no idea what these things do if they worked. I was desperate to hold on to any hope. She did some things that I thought was really odd at first until it panned out and I will say, my child never kicked harder than when I held onto the crystals that I took home. They were exactly what I needed. She's going to be a Libra so I grabbed a baggie of mixed crystals I will give to her when she is ready. You can roll your eyes and say what you want about this but whatever helps you see the positive side of every situation I say do it.

Her hospital stay is projected at least 2 months pending surgeries etc. There may be more. I can't believe the outpour of love and support these last few days. From people I would never expect. God, this is so hard.

Things are always supposed to suck. How can you know Heaven if you don't know what Hell feels like? I need to understand that feeling my emotions is okay. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is okay. Needing a day where no one calls me is okay. But I have to utilize the strength I worked hard to have these last few years to be positive. To be able to teach my daughter that although life quite literally stomps you, you always have the option to be the one who gets up. My greatest trial is maintaining my positivity and thankfulness that I woke up today and that she is still alive. Hers will be learning that her strength outweighed every negative outcome. Someone with so many "problems" hasn't slowed down. Heartbeat is amazing, she says hi to me with some jabs. She is queen and why I feel so strongly the name we chose. Second hint - middle name starts with an R and is named after the first most important woman in my world. <3

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Storms, rainbows and updates

I am feeling guilty. And the worst part is there's really no reason to feel guilty. It's just that when I started blogging I made sure to never sugar coat and promised I would keep everyone updated especially during this pregnancy. When you think it will just be sunshine and glitter you make promises like that. But, when the going gets tough do you still update or do you keep it to yourself and closest family?

The day Kyle and I found out our little rainbow bean sprout was going to be a girl (I was right), it was both the best and most threatening time for us. Our little lady was rolling and punching and hyper as can be and things were in fact sunshine and glitter until the technician made her way to her abdomen and chest cavity. There was something extra in her chest and the tech, of course, wanted a second opinion so she took the shots, and warned us this might be bad news. We talked with our amazing OBGYN (seriously, Horsley, go see him) he explained that from the shots that the tech captured it appeared this little had a hernia in her diaphragm and something, he wasn't sure what, was pushing on her heart. He immediately made us an early appointment to see the fetal development doctors for the following week and it was the longest six days of uncertainty ever. It seems that news such as that can have a major affect on the excitement you feel knowing the sex of your baby. My sister planned and carried out the funnest gender reveal party and being tied into that it was a great distraction. The hardest part about those few days is that we had no idea if it was a for sure thing or if it was the way she was positioned. We told nobody until we attended that following appointment and had a solid diagnosis.

We talked with the new tech and the doctor and had another full body ultrasound where we were able to see very clearly what was wrong with our sprout. She has a congenital diaphragmatic hernia which means her diaphragm didn't form properly. This happens in early fetal development and occurs in 1 in every 3,000 babies. Essentially, there is a hole in her diaphragm that has allowed organs to move into her chest cavity. As of now, her stomach has entered her chest and is sitting on her left side while her heart has been pushed to the right. If we know our anatomy, the heart belongs on the left side. This happens when there is a missing, an extra or a broken chromosome. Best case scenario right how (I hate saying that) is that only her stomach is up there and nothing else tries to go up. Or of course, that the stomach goes back down. The stomach is able to fill up and empty so it isn't constantly applying pressure to her heart. The heartrate was 140 and she is very active. Despite everything she's doing really well.

Kyle and I went to this appointment alone because we didn't tell anyone and figured we could handle it. We spoke with a genetic counselor and went through known family history and nothing correlated to what was happening to us. A lot of things were said to us and honestly with news like this, you don't retain anything. The drive taking Kyle back to work was really hard. We were silent and I had to focus on my breathing so I didn't cry. I blindly drove to my moms and sat on her back steps while she happily washed the cobwebs off her windows. The second I tried to spit out what we went through that morning I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I realized while trying to answer her thousand questions I should have told her in the first place. Kyle and I told our families that week and felt some comfort knowing that there was so much love and support for us.

My dad is religious and gave me and our baby a blessing and while I don't feel 100% I do feel calmer. I'm not always worried through my day and I am able to focus at work. The doctor gave us a referral for the University where I will deliver. She will be taken immediately from me for surgery at Primary Childrens to reposition everything and that part is what scares me the most. I just didn't want anything to be wrong with her. The later update will be me going to the university in June for a fetal echo, an MRI and a meeting with the medical team that will be taking care of us.

Something that both Kyle and I are thankful for is our doctor. He called me to express he was sorry for the confirmation diagnosis and that he would be willing to still see us each month to save us a trip to Salt Lake. He gave me a list of my options for aid and told me to call any time. He is seriously my favorite doctor in the valley. I love the way that Kyle and I are together and that we can lean on each other and that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. He is my rock and I am so happy we are able to work together to be positive and communicate. 

An important thing to remember is that even though this is frightening and absolutely not what we were expecting to happen I am not broken. I am not on any restrictions and I am taking that as a win. Things can always be worse and right now I feel my baby and I know she is okay. We have a wonderful support team and I have even more support from you guys. I expressed this after my gender reveal but this rainbow is meant for amazing things. I know Z is still here to bless my family and she showed that with the beautiful heart that appeared in the pink smoke at the party. I know the seriousness of our situation and I know what can happen but why worry when you don't have to?

So, as promised, here is your update and I no longer feel guilty for leaving y'all in the dark. No rainbow comes without a storm. Believe.


Thursday, March 29, 2018

Pregnancy Bizarres

I am into my second trimester. For non moms, pregnancy is sectioned in trimesters which puts me at 14 weeks today. I am going to let out some things I have bottled up and it's a little real. But then again which post of mine isn't?

You announce your pregnancy and a flood of opinions come at you and you do your best to either tuck them away or dodge them completely. Many are actually super helpful and those tend to come from your own mother or women who are mother figures in your life. Others are acquaintances or friends that realistically shouldn't be handing out parenting advice. I was actually talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while and I told her I was pregnant and she said "OMG congrats girl! Make sure your child is gluten free and only breastfeed and then stay away from these types of people". I was like, "k" and haven't talked to her since. I would categorize her as the "types of people to stay away from". Advice is great. When you give it it's usually because you as a mom went through it and it either helped or went south. So, initially I take all advice and if its realistic I utilize it and if it's absolutely ridiculous I will nod and dismiss. Right now I am focusing on being able to bring our child into this world. I'll worry about the kids diet when they're here, k? Besides, it's nice to give and get advice but I am going to listen to my doctor because he's the best in the valley and what he says goes. He knows me and you don't. 

The pressure is on already about being the ideal model mother. Don't drink soda, drink this much water, don't eat this don't take that. I took prenatal vitamins before I got pregnant and then took them a little bit after my first positive test. About 7 weeks in I started throwing up my vitamins a few minutes after taking them. I mistook it for morning sickness and continued taking them. I talked to my doctor and we found that it was in fact my vitamins. Fun fact: some women can't take prenatals because if they're anemic or their iron levels are already up then they can reject the iron in the prenatal. Thus throwing them up. I am not anemic and am actually pretty healthy for not watching what I ate before conceiving. Folic acid is the most important to get into your body. So now I just take folic acid by itself and I have been great. That is something that I struggled deciding to share because I know what people say and I know how they think. But, like I said, my doctor knows me and you don't. I don't drink multiple cups of coffee a day. I actually haven't had any if you can believe that. I will rarely get soda and I don't drink much of it. So there really isn't anything I am doing that is so bad.  

Attitude is something I have been struggling with. I have been fortunate to not have a really hard time being pregnant. I don't get sick often at all and I can eat and keep down everything. For the most part I am still my oober calm self. I am really chill and I don't lose my patience easily. Right now I accepted a ginormous load at work which has come with lots of overtime. I am super grateful for the money because obviously we are going to need it now more than ever but it definitely uses all of my energy. I do so good at work all day and the second I come home I'm done. I have been touched all day don't touch me. I attended to peoples every need please do something yourself. Some days are good and I come home and I get to spend time with Kyle before bed but other days I am like, "don't talk to me". This week I have been feeling more short in my patience and I have told people off without thinking. -not at work just in general interactions. I hope that lightens up because I don't like to be the bad guy right now or ever!

Lastly, for all you moms out there what were your dreams like? Mine have been SO crazy! Last night I had an all night nightmare. I would wake up and fall right back into it. I remember every detail and it was pretty realistic. I move more in my sleep -if you can believe that. My dreams are so freaky and last night I elbowed Kyle right in the side of his poor head. He doesn't get much sleep and I feel so terrible. I know that your brain changes shape while you are pregnant and that's where pregnancy brain comes from and probably why I have such outrageous dreams. They feel a little bit like Melatonin dreams. I used to take Melatonin before bed and it would make me have wild dreams. Pregnancy just makes me have nightmares. 

I hope that this is something that can shed a little truth on everyone. Whether you were a mom that was frustrated with judgement or tired of opinions of people who didn't get it. I know at least one of you have been there. My advice is to not be that person who is overbearing. Don't scare your newly pregnant friends away...I just wanted to share my excitement. Also, Baby P is the size of a troll doll this week. Which was fun to tell my nephew obsessed with the Trolls movie. <3


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Our News

If you didn't catch that, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

They say that losing a child is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. That it effects the entire family and it is 100% accurate. After my family experienced our first death of a child last August it has effected each member of my family incredibly deep and significantly different. We are all on different roads of healing. Some can't be in the same room as a baby, others haven't held one since holding Zayley's lifeless body. 

My road took me on bumps and sharp corners and all of a sudden I realized I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy and I felt as though all of my progress on my personal development had vanished in a blink of an eye. I am extremely close to my brother Michael and watching him destroyed me and he'll never know how many times a day I prayed for him. I haven't ever wanted kids and I told everyone I would just be the "cool aunt" and I was content. I helped raise my brothers two girls for several years and I always said that they were all the kids I ever needed. Then I met my perfect Kyle.

We both decided we wanted to start our own little family and it kept not happening. It was a rough rollercoaster and thinking there was something wrong with either of us. The day after Z's funeral I didn't want one. I didn't want to hold anybody's children despite their age. I avoided babies and admired from afar as I would try to not cry. I get that made me seem rude to some who have either never experienced baby loss or who didn't know what had even happened. I went from someone who held all the babies and expressed that I wanted one to avoiding you and refusing to hold your baby. After lots of work to push through my fears and being surrounded by people who didn't care if I bawled my eyes out while I held your precious babies. I was starting to be okay with the thought of having one again. We continued our life with the knowledge that if it happened we were going to be happy and the night I found out I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was "thank you". 

When a family loses a baby the next one born is considered a "rainbow baby". I am carrying not only my first child but I am carrying the very thing that is meant to give my family great healing. I am incredibly blessed to have found Kyle who has always understood and who shows his excitement everyday!! The moment that this rainbow is born and my family is able to be in the room with great joy is what I am most looking forward to. What a perfect moment and perfect baby.

We will continue to share our excitement and blog my progress so make sure you follow along!! (:
After every storm there is a rainbow of hope. Ours is due September 27, 2018.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Change.

They say change is good for you. I have struggled all of my life to understand why it's good, especially right now. I am a Taurus. My nature is consistency. I need schedules and plans. I need people in my life to stay there and when they leave I struggle to remold.

I felt like I had it all for a few months. I was loving my little makeup biz and for once I enjoyed to the full extent meeting new friends. I had a solid group of employees and for once the waters of my life were calm. Like all things, that didn't last long. The passing of my grandma has been coming back to me in subtle ways that make me feel peaceful. However, the realization I can't go to her house anymore, play in her basement, hear her infectious laugh or see her perfect smile, even trying to catch up to her in bingo at Christmas is knocking me down. My grandma has always been there, if I missed one Christmas party she was always at the next one. If I missed seeing her for whatever reason I knew she'd be there tomorrow. She isn't here anymore the way I need her to be and its more apparent everyday. When I lost my niece I was at a point in my life where I was reading positive affirmations daily, I was praying to a God that for a long time thought didn't really exist. When you experience infant or child loss you feel where they go, at least I did. Reading positive affirmations helped me stay on the positive side of the situation where I was able to feel what I couldn't had I shut down. I haven't cried that hard since Bubba passed. I know what she was here for and that will stay with me. But walking through my parents door and feeling my brothers energy, his depression and the way my parents talk softer now is what I can't seem to fight. Watching what feels like my family falling apart makes me want to take back everything I thought I had together. My parents recently threw out just about their whole home, furniture, everything. They have no carpet, no wallpaper and are slowly renovating. This change isn't just affecting me, but when I go to their house it doesn't feel like "home".

During all of these changes, I still had my trusty friends at work. We were there for each other and I was holding onto that shred of my life that hadn't changed yet. We lost one of our clients that we work everyday with. -and I will say, because you'll meet people that just "work here", she was my family. I didn't just work with her, my whole world was her and I was happy. She was sudden and that was my last straw. At that point, I had become so numb with the thought of losing yet another person that I just couldn't react. I had no more energy and I remember just dragging through that time. My house staff dropped like flies after that and I only still speak to one of those people other than the two that still work with me. This is where my heart breaks. We don't speak. Not through texting or calls, not even through comments on Facebook. It's not that any of us dislikes the other, I think it's just that we don't know what to say now. We are all broken and despite our solid glue it just wasn't enough. All things in time. Just makes the now harder while we wait for later.

I am not sure why I am surrounded by so much death. Sometimes I feel like bad luck and almost that I would just rather not meet anyone new again. When normal people (like you) meet someone you think of all of the future conversations you will have, whether or not you're going to be friends forever or not. Honestly, and this is really dark, but I think about how long until they are going to die. Right now, that is all my heart feels and its crushing me. I had it together. I really did. I do the things I need to each day and some days I count the hours until bedtime. Some days I catch a glimpse of the girl who was happy six months ago and I hold onto her for as long as I can until she fades away. I am surviving and that is no way to live.

Things that have helped me in the past to get through dark times aren't working right now. I am trekking through a lot of garbage and really it's just day by day. If you catch a glimpse of the girl that was me, please tell me so I can see her too. I miss her.

Believe