I am feeling guilty. And the worst part is there's really no reason to feel guilty. It's just that when I started blogging I made sure to never sugar coat and promised I would keep everyone updated especially during this pregnancy. When you think it will just be sunshine and glitter you make promises like that. But, when the going gets tough do you still update or do you keep it to yourself and closest family?
The day Kyle and I found out our little rainbow bean sprout was going to be a girl (I was right), it was both the best and most threatening time for us. Our little lady was rolling and punching and hyper as can be and things were in fact sunshine and glitter until the technician made her way to her abdomen and chest cavity. There was something extra in her chest and the tech, of course, wanted a second opinion so she took the shots, and warned us this might be bad news. We talked with our amazing OBGYN (seriously, Horsley, go see him) he explained that from the shots that the tech captured it appeared this little had a hernia in her diaphragm and something, he wasn't sure what, was pushing on her heart. He immediately made us an early appointment to see the fetal development doctors for the following week and it was the longest six days of uncertainty ever. It seems that news such as that can have a major affect on the excitement you feel knowing the sex of your baby. My sister planned and carried out the funnest gender reveal party and being tied into that it was a great distraction. The hardest part about those few days is that we had no idea if it was a for sure thing or if it was the way she was positioned. We told nobody until we attended that following appointment and had a solid diagnosis.
We talked with the new tech and the doctor and had another full body ultrasound where we were able to see very clearly what was wrong with our sprout. She has a congenital diaphragmatic hernia which means her diaphragm didn't form properly. This happens in early fetal development and occurs in 1 in every 3,000 babies. Essentially, there is a hole in her diaphragm that has allowed organs to move into her chest cavity. As of now, her stomach has entered her chest and is sitting on her left side while her heart has been pushed to the right. If we know our anatomy, the heart belongs on the left side. This happens when there is a missing, an extra or a broken chromosome. Best case scenario right how (I hate saying that) is that only her stomach is up there and nothing else tries to go up. Or of course, that the stomach goes back down. The stomach is able to fill up and empty so it isn't constantly applying pressure to her heart. The heartrate was 140 and she is very active. Despite everything she's doing really well.
Kyle and I went to this appointment alone because we didn't tell anyone and figured we could handle it. We spoke with a genetic counselor and went through known family history and nothing correlated to what was happening to us. A lot of things were said to us and honestly with news like this, you don't retain anything. The drive taking Kyle back to work was really hard. We were silent and I had to focus on my breathing so I didn't cry. I blindly drove to my moms and sat on her back steps while she happily washed the cobwebs off her windows. The second I tried to spit out what we went through that morning I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I realized while trying to answer her thousand questions I should have told her in the first place. Kyle and I told our families that week and felt some comfort knowing that there was so much love and support for us.
My dad is religious and gave me and our baby a blessing and while I don't feel 100% I do feel calmer. I'm not always worried through my day and I am able to focus at work. The doctor gave us a referral for the University where I will deliver. She will be taken immediately from me for surgery at Primary Childrens to reposition everything and that part is what scares me the most. I just didn't want anything to be wrong with her. The later update will be me going to the university in June for a fetal echo, an MRI and a meeting with the medical team that will be taking care of us.
Something that both Kyle and I are thankful for is our doctor. He called me to express he was sorry for the confirmation diagnosis and that he would be willing to still see us each month to save us a trip to Salt Lake. He gave me a list of my options for aid and told me to call any time. He is seriously my favorite doctor in the valley. I love the way that Kyle and I are together and that we can lean on each other and that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. He is my rock and I am so happy we are able to work together to be positive and communicate.
An important thing to remember is that even though this is frightening and absolutely not what we were expecting to happen I am not broken. I am not on any restrictions and I am taking that as a win. Things can always be worse and right now I feel my baby and I know she is okay. We have a wonderful support team and I have even more support from you guys. I expressed this after my gender reveal but this rainbow is meant for amazing things. I know Z is still here to bless my family and she showed that with the beautiful heart that appeared in the pink smoke at the party. I know the seriousness of our situation and I know what can happen but why worry when you don't have to?
So, as promised, here is your update and I no longer feel guilty for leaving y'all in the dark. No rainbow comes without a storm. Believe.