Saturday, August 12, 2017

Believe

Welcome to the blog by the girl who is ever-changing. I truly believe that we should never stop finding new ways to change for the better. I changed again.

My Great Grandma Pearl ended her journey in this realm and entered another where her soul was freed. I don't handle death well and being very in tune with my emotions at all times I feel deeply the effects of loss. I heard the news with only two days to say goodbye forever and I didn't take it lightly. I didn't feel like going down and saying goodbye because "been there done that never again". Before I knew it I was switching shifts around so that I could go down and say my goodbyes and be with my family. I backed out three times and ran the girl at my work crazy probably as I kept saying "wait, I can't go down. Wait, yes I can". I saddled up and I drove down. I knew in my heart I would regret missing that last goodbye. I arrived, and my vibes were all over the place. My grandma was in her home and was surrounded by her family and I couldn't bring myself to turn around and greet a single person. I walked around towards the hallway door entering my favorite place to play as a child. I sat with my niece and nephew and watched them play with the old toys that I once used in the basement I grew up in. When I went upstairs it was hard to see her. It's hard to see someone you have known your whole life be so alive and active to be so helpless laying on her couch. The more I sat and talked to my family the easier it was to live in that moment. There were laughs. Many of them. Most of them came from the words of the sweet woman laying on the couch. I sat next to her and held her hand after battling myself for hours. My sister, Laura rubbed her other hand and I felt the calmest I had felt in those few days.

I drove an hour North and had a lot of time to think about what I was feeling. I tried to process the emotions I had because they were unusual. I will tell you what I didn't feel. I didn't feel upset or sad, angry or confused. Those are my immediate feelings during a time like this. I felt calm and I understood what was happening. My grandma was ready. God was ready for her to come home. You hear it all the time how when God takes you back it's because you finished your duties here in this life and you're needed for what is beyond. You never really understand it until, well, until you understand it. I finally get it. Flashbacks of my life with my grandma came flooding and I pulled over my truck to embrace them in the happiest tears I never knew I'd shed. She was there when I turned eight and gave me a "My Baptism" activity coloring book. She laid down with me on my living room floor after my baptism and we did the entire book together. That memory has kept coming to light constantly since she left us. My grandma was hilarious, and she was SO full of life. I miss her.

I got the message the next night that she had passed and I still didn't feel my typical emotions, instead I looked up and smiled for her. Two days later, I left to Australia thus missing the funeral. I was okay with missing it. Really. I felt and still feel that she is safe. Her passing made me feel like it was okay to rejoice her life. I will never forget her and if anything, she brought the family closer together.

I will see her again. Until then, I won't stop growing and I will keep finding purpose to breathe. Which now brings me to my trip that changed everything.

Every year on my birthday I would wish for two things. Disneyland and Australia. Every year it didn't come, but that didn't stop me. This year my sister surprised me by taking me to Disney to meet my favorite FAVORITE princess -Ariel of course(; and I came home to news I would be leaving to surprise my Auntie Larni for her birthday in Australia. As I processed this, all I could think about was how I blogged, and continued to tell myself everyday that this was MY year. And it is. Being in Australia was wasn't really all that different from being home. I didn't have any major culture shocks because I went there with an open mind that I was going to make the absolute best of my trip no matter what. I wanted to learn and I wanted to grow. Trees in an abundance. Chop one down, plant 100 more. Meat pies (steak and tomato!). All the candy and Tim Tams. I saw things I wanted to see. Animals and family and oceans and lakes. I am an observer by nature and that usually classifieds me as the "quiet girl". I observed my family and the ways that they interacted with each other and their friends. How they really are when no ones watching. It all comes down to one thing. Love. I have been striving to find simplicity in my life. I have also been thinking a lot about religion.

I sat around a table with my aunties and uncles with their friends and watched how they just didn't have a care in the world. They weren't talking about stresses in their lives or the bills they still had to pay. They sat around a table and talked to each other about fishing, boating, what they were gonna eat for tea later. They laughed and it was full belly laughs. I went to bed one night and was overwhelmed by my emotions because here at home, I am consumed by what I didn't get done that day. I don't sit around a table with my friends and family because I am so busy doing the things I think I HAVE to get done and so much time has passed and the only thing I have to show for my "hard work" is a pat on the back. Where is the love that I crave daily? Where are the hugs and kissed cheeks? I have decided that if something doesn't serve me with love and space to grow I don't need it. I don't want to fill my heart with hatred for people who have wronged me. I want to show them mercy. I am human too. I want more table conversations where we talk about the meaning of life, how much we love each other and most importantly I want to talk about what we DON'T have to do today but what we want to do.

For the few weeks I was in Australia it didn't hurt to think. Things came easily to me mentally. I opened my soul and embraced Australia for the beauty I knew it would be. I never talk about religious things because I never really labeled myself "religious". I believe in God. But I believe that my relationship is mine and only mine. I can parade around all day talking about what me and God talk to each other about but that's not going to make you believe it's just going to make me look like an idiot who is obsessed with God haha. God is love. God is accepting. God is simplicity. God isn't judgement. God isn't hatred. God doesn't shun. God forgives. God is inside of me. I felt his embrace as I walked along the beach. I felt him as for once I handled being around my mom for days on end and neither of us wanted to punch each other in the throat. He has made me gentle. I am a hard shell. I speak loud, I yell loud, I am everywhere always mentally and physically. Since coming home, I feel soft. I feel happy and that's what matters.

Don't let what you have to get done consume your world. Don't let what people said about you make you hard. Don't let what happened to you in the past turn your heart dark. I came from a very dark place and I got through it. If I can help just ONE person turn their heart to love instead of hate then I have served my purpose here in this life. I battle myself everyday but I have more angels in my life than demons and that is what helps me shut them up. If what you are doing doesn't serve you complete happiness then you don't need it. Give it up, you'll be happy you did.

Believe. 

Monday, June 26, 2017

The best is yet to be.

My world has been silent from your end. It's almost like I've gone away on a vacation I have yet to return from. My world has been hectic on my end. I have been running around in my mind, uprooted myself and have jumped through countless hoops that are on fire. Right now I feel like a circus act, but who doesn't?

Chapter One:
I started my own makeup business and I love it! Sure, I get it, there are a ton of makeup recourses, but my reasoning resonates deep down. To accomplish anything in life you need to have a reason. Why are you going through so much trouble to get something back? Maybe it's to feed your family of four, or to pay your way through college or give back to your community. Maybe it's because you believe in yourself and you believe in the cause. I own my makeup business through Younique. I'm not the best yet, but I will be. There are countless women I have met that are building their empires and believe in small people like myself. I have reconnected with old friends and have met so many new kindred spirits. This aspect of my life has been absolutely beautiful and I feel like I have flourished into a kinder more patient woman. I get to uplift women and help them feel validated and do so WITHOUT makeup. Pretty cool.

I went to Disneyland after my birthday in April and met my one and only Princess Ariel. I welled with tears the moment she turned around. She was everything I imagined and I was past fan girl and entered childhood playtime. I ate at the Grotto and met countless princesses who were also perfection! I loved that you leave at the gates your entire outside world and you enter into this beautiful realm where E V E R Y T H I N G is possible. No one gives a shit about your outfit, or how much money you have, or what job you have. You are all children again. There's bubbles shooting out everywhere you turn, there are children getting their royal treatments and the nicest staffing you'll ever meet. I still can't believe it took me 25 years to get there.

My favorite band has released two songs from their new album and I am obsessed. I've been anticipating the arrival since 2014!! I preordered the album as soon as it was available on ITunes and cannot wait for the rest of the album. In This Moment is beautiful and if you have never heard them you need to. Serious.

Not all things have been peachy. As with every positive aspect of life, there needs to be trials, tears and frustration. This is the part where those hoops on fire come in. If you have followed me from the very start you have seen my financial journey and read about it. Well, as with many other adults, I am still struggling. So much that I lost my home. I am a person who desires stability. I need roots. I rooted myself into my home because that's normal and then I had to uproot and leave in just two days. Thankful to my beautiful friends who folded my clothes into boxes and carried dressers down the stairs and into a truck. Friends who brought two trucks completely stuffed and moved into the place I will reroot for the next while. My new home. Apart from having to come up with several hundred dollars in literally zero time and nearly ruining an important persons financial situation. The reminder of the beautiful souls I get to call friends, were right there to help me. They were there taking time out of their lives to save me and they did it without an undertone. They did it because I would do it for them. <3

So, now I am frazzled. I have my old roomie back and a full time roomie who lets me love on him every day. Half of the treasured pieces of my life are sitting in a storage unit across town. The other half is in my bedroom. This place is beautiful and what's more, my neighbors are kind. I feel safe here and I am close to the important people I work with. I feel my world has definitely been taken on a whirl and I am trying to start and end each day on my positive foot. -Easier said than done.

Chapter Two:
I have come from hating myself and the world circulating around me, to literally saying "f-it" and started being who I am, to reaching the next turn stone in life. I had shitty cards and I held onto them for so very long and was liberated when I dropped them. When I say drop, I actually threw them. This hopefully makes sense explained and I hope I connect with at least ONE of my readers. I have related to myself as a crow for the last year. Google "crow meaning" and nearly everything you read will tell you they symbolize death. They are in all the creepy T.V. shows and movies because they are quite creepy in reality. When you think about it, since the old Annie doesn't exist anymore a crow is quite appropriate. I died. Not literally but a persona of me did and she will never be back. During the time of my stripped world, I frequently saw crows. There seemed to be an abnormal amount flying around and walking near me in the grass, or maybe for once I started observing my world a little more. Either way, I sat and stared at one and all of a sudden it made sense. "Bye Felicia".
Other symbols
  • Life magic; mystery of creation
  • Destiny, personal transformation, alchemy
  • Intelligence
  • Higher perspective
  • Being fearless, audacious
  • Flexibility, adaptability
  • Trickster, manipulative, mischievous

Crows don't seem too creepy anymore, huh? Now, I feel as though I am approaching the next level in my transformation. For a while now, I have felt that the next level was me having a rebirth and turning into this new person who was happy, and had it all etc, etc. Let's be real, who is happy and has it all? No one. You're happy, but no, you don't have it all. I am the queen of overthinking and I was over processing the steps I needed to take in order to get to the next stage of my transformation. What I realize now is that it's day to day. There is no reason to rush success. Success comes from dedication and believing in oneself. What you think you become. You attract what you act. I want to become someone who wakes up happy more than 40% of the time. I want to be someone who can readjust to changes in my life because I know where I have come from and what I did to overcome my past. I desire to rise up from these burned ashes like a phoenix. I desire to be that person who has an obstacle coming her way, or someone tries to pull me into their hell and it wont affect me. Pull me down, degrade me, say and do what you want but you'll watch me rise above myself because I know who I am and I know what my power can do.

I struggle with mental illness and have severe anxiety. That is a battle I fight with myself. The inner me degrades me and tells me I am no good. She is the one that holds me back from living. I have started meditating in private. Even just taking several deep breaths and I find myself back on the ground and ready to fight that voice in my head. I have realized you really do become the part of you that you feed into the most. If I give into my anxiety and the thoughts that swarm my head I will go nowhere. But, if I feed into my strength and my power I will become that. All in all I am still in my ashes stage and gathering the pieces needed to start rising. That's a hard thing to admit but I have made progress that would make my 'haters' crawl back into their own hell.

Chapter Three:
To forgive or not to forgive. Who deserves it and who doesn't? If there is anything I am worth preaching about it's forgiving others. When I do things to mess up it affects me so deeply and any hurt I cause another is something I always want to be forgiven for. Sometimes I don't deserve it but I believe every soul should be forgiven. Always. It may take time. Years even but it will come. When it's time for me to forgive, I need to process every single piece of what happened and find reasoning to believe I can forgive and truly move on. I said before that I wished to forgive one person who has been standing right in front of my mind. I thought in order to forgive I needed to go to him and talk. To let him see what happened to me. Let him see the damage and the pain and then say "I forgive you". It's been said over and over again that forgiveness is ONLY for YOU! You can only forgive once you have faced the issue. You understand what happened and you understand the other person. I can't hate anymore. I just don't have that fight in me. I was angry for so many years. I was scared to move on. Now every time I think about it I just feel sad. I feel sad because I am restricting myself from my life that is really honestly amazing. I am sad because I am still holding onto that memory. My boyfriend wants to be my husband and I keep breaking myself down. I don't need to go to him and I don't need him to see the damage he helped build inside of me. I need him to see mercy. I write this with tears welled in my eyes and I say this with pure love and honesty. What you did was terrible. What you did was frightening and I don't believe you are that person anymore. Thank you for never facing me. Thank you for helping me become a fighter. I will never be in that hell again. I forgive you because I want to free you from this hold. I am leaving you and the memory with the burned pieces of my past. I am free.



Saturday, January 28, 2017

What goes around, comes around

Ever since I was a little girl I have always heard the saying "what goes around comes around" and I always thought that to be a negative aspect. Like, for instance, someone falls, you laugh and then fall. Karma. How many of us think about the positive aspect of it? If you do a service, someone will pay it forward. It is true though, most of the time it isn't as quick as bad Karma but it will still be in your favor at some point.

This is my most recent visit from Karma and it was the most liberating experience of my life. But in order to tell you that you have to know the backstory to understand the significance.

I moved into my little 2 bedroom town home a little over a year ago with my Momma Jodi. It was cool, she had Mari and I loved her and it was nice to just start a new adventure I wasn't sure at first I was ready to take. I meet my neighbor to the east of me and her daughter and they were the nicest people. Very talkative and the type to sit on their front porch and say hello to everyone. (I love those kind of people). One day Mari had to do her business and she had peed over in my neighbors yard to the west of me. The woman who owned the apartment had come home conveniently right as Mari pooped in her yard. Instead of saying "hello" I got, "you better clean that shit up" to which, you know me... "yeah, no shit". She called me a C-U-Next-Tuesday and slammed her door.

Sidetrack, I love that word. I know it's degrading and dirty but it makes my immature self hysterically laugh every time I hear it. Same with the word "Butt hole". IDK anyway no one else found that what she said was very funny, but I did.

Ever since then it felt that no matter what I did I got yelled at for it. Took Mari for a walk and she HAD to go in her yard to sniff.. she has a dog too. Jodi got her wrath multiple times a week. No one in our complex had seemed to like her. She'd call the landlord for idiotic things and at first I really found it funny. But of course, like every repetitive thing, it got old. I started retaliating by blasting metal music because I knew it would piss her off. If I was cooking, I'd literally slam my cabinets because I knew she could hear it. If her kids came outside and I was present they were to not look at me and had to shield their eyes with their hands. I am seriously not kidding. Her son actually walked straight into the grill of her husbands truck ha ha ha ha. She called me a whore like every week and a hoe. And you know I don't register those words the same way as others do. It has a more significant meaning to me. I could never have a confronted conversation with her because she'd always say something and then slam the door. This went on for almost a year.

About a month or so ago at like 12 am I locked myself out of my house and had to take apart my window to get in. It is so loud and I felt terrible but I was freezing and had nowhere else to go. Her daughter opens the door and I'm like "crap". She says "my mom wants to know if you're okay" I had a super long day at work and I was super stressed and couldn't get the last part of my window unhinged so I was crying (I am a baby). I said in a huff "I'm fine" she was like "well, if you need anything we are here for you". Gag me. I never really had any other passing with my neighbor but I noticed that although I could still hear her yell at her kids everyday she stopped pounding the walls. She stopped calling the cops because I was up too late typing. - That happened. We had that super big snow storm a few weeks ago and she came outside while I was dusting off my SUV and said I could use her shovel. I was really grateful for her offer but given her track record I was skiddish. I tried to buy my own shovel but then I remembered I am the poorest girl in all the land so I ended up using hers and she never yelled at me. Ha ha.

I got home late one night and it had been snowing and I noticed that they weren't home so I grabbed her shovel and tackled our sidewalk and got over by where they park because since she has kids and I didn't want to be mean anymore..I shoveled her side. Normally, she only shovels half of the sidewalk that leads to both our doors - I know. And then over by where her two parking spots are and then leaves mine to be snowy. That's totally fine because I am never home to shovel and crap so it never bothered me I always just laughed. The next morning (after I shoveled her part of the sidewalk) it was SO snowy. They cancelled schools and a few businesses and thankfully I have a huge SUV that I am borrowing from my dad and just drove right over that snow. - I felt cool. I had a hell of a day and cried like seven different times and was so happy when I finally came home at 9:30 pm. My parking spot that was so very snowy that morning was all nicely shoveled. So then I cried again. The next day I went and picked up Kyle to hang out and he was pretty blown away as we both pondered whether or not it was her. I made cake and took her a few pieces and K, if you know me well you know how bad my anxiety is. I stood outside with a plate full of cake and was sweating as I pep talked myself into this. I knocked. She answered and I gave her the cake, It was simple.

It turned out she was the one who shoveled my parking spot and then apologized for everything that she ever said or did to me. Guys, I almost cried. I immediately apologized and so much negativity just shed from my soul. I floated home. Literally. Remember that time I wrote about feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere and that this was all a mistake? It takes time. Karma is great at working quickly to give you what you deserve when you've been behaving badly. I think it takes a while to give you your blessings when you are being a better person because you are really learning valuable lessons and I think it's made me appreciate the art of forgiveness a little more. I hope this sticks for her and she is able to build friendships through kindness.

What you put out into the universe will always come back to you. So make sure you send out kindness and love.


Friday, January 6, 2017

Opportunities for change

            I've enjoyed scrolling through my social media feeds and seeing what everyone's resolutions are for the new year. I normally scroll through and roll my eyes at what they are because we all know you won't keep them. I can't even keep them. I wanted try something new this year. I still liked everyone's ideas for change and rolled my eyes at the others but I can't break mine you see, I'm just going to spread positivity and love. I am going to be the best me I can be and if that means I start going to the gym...well, then I guess I'm getting double rewards. Although, I am currently sitting here at 9a.m drinking a red Mtn Dew so it's safe to assume diet was not on the list of being a better me ha ha.

         You know the saying "inhale positive exhale negatives" and "if you think positive thoughts and do positive things the universe will give it back to you"? I found that to be very true. You know my neighbor that's super grumpy and rude to everyone? The other day I was dusting off my Sequoia and she leaned out her door and called my name and said I could use her shovel to clear the space in my parking spots. She would have never done anything like that in the past. I am assuming she saw me get my little Honda really stuck and having to use cardboard I fished out of the dumpster as traction to get out. Have I mentioned how much I hate winter? Anyway, I said thank you and thought maybe she'd take that offer back so I didn't use the shovel the next day. I saw she placed it right in-between our houses so that clearly means I can use it right?? Ha ha.

       One day I was self analyzing everything I was doing with my life and making a list of things I wanted to work on and a big one was positive thoughts about others. When I see a fellow sister on the street or in the store my first thought isn't going to be whether or not her shoes are cute. Or what her weight is. I would look at how beautiful her smile is as she says hi to me. Or the way she talks to her children. I wouldn't avoid eye contact because if she actually was beautiful I would try to not compare myself to her. It was definitely a chore. I did think of mean things at first and then would quickly think of something positive but that negative comment is what stayed in my head. We are trained to be that way. We are trained to see in magazines or on T.V. what is perfect and if you don't look that way you are ugly and useless. But what they fail to tell us is that the figure we hail for perfection was actually just a normal person like you and me but got computerized in photo shop to create that perfect figure. So whoever I saw on the street and judged the way her pants sagged in the back instead of hugging her figure, that's what perfection is. I carry with me the thought of what I think is perfection and it's made seeing a person as they really are so much easier. I have found who I really am as well. Judging someone by their clothes or the way their face looks doesn't make you any better than they are. It just shows how ugly you are.

      Every morning I go to the bathroom and as I wash my hands I look in the mirror at my sleepy eyes, no concealer, bed head, and sometimes eye boogers and I pick what I love. I love my under eye today because that means I was able to finally sleep. -Do you know how rare that is?! The first 3 weeks I ran this new task if you may I cried. I cried because no, I didn't like the bags under my eyes, I didn't like how I looked with bed head. The way that I saw myself is a reflection of everything I have ever been told I was and believed. Some days my confidence was up and I could name more than 3 things I loved and other days I teared up and just didn't look in the mirror. One day I was in the bathroom battling myself because not only have I gone publically about all of these changes, I started it for me. And I knew I had to keep going for me. I said aloud " I am bea-" paused, "I need to trim my hair". No, no...no negatives. "I am beau-" tears streaming down my face I started thinking of all the things I needed to get done that day and how I didn't have time to do this. Kyle came into the bathroom to brush his teeth and said "you look beautiful babe" and then kissed my ear. I stood there in my oversized bed shirt, my hair knotted and moved to the side and he still saw the same girl I am with my hair done and makeup on. I'm an emotional person by nature but I probably sat on the toilet for a while just crying. Ever since then, I've kept that in mind and it's been a little easier to battle myself. And Kyle will never know the impact he made that day.

      Whatever it is that you choose to take away from this today, please understand that you are so perfect. If you don't think you're beautiful or worth it, I do. At work I get paid to make a difference in someone's life. And I would do it for free. Be the change. Lift one another up and do it because you believe society is wrong. I will always battle my inner demons but I pray that one day I will be able to win each time they tell me I won't be as perfect as my coworker, or that lady sitting next to me on the bus and all the more reason to make this resolution last forever. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me so I apologize if posts are a little all over the place. My mind has 29 streets running at the same time.

"I am powerful and strong."


Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry, Happy Christmas.

I am sitting in my little decorated home alone this year and thought about this God forsaken holiday and how I wanted to share with you all why I hate it. (:

Ok, so, a few years ago I wrote a post about humans being greedy monsters and that was the reason that I hated this holiday..and that is still currently very accurate. I really dislike how at the beginning of the year we are all "I'm going to be a better me" with our stupid resolutions that last 2 weeks. Kudos to you if your resolution never ended (1%). Then we get into the spring and summer months and yeah, everyone is an asshole, but you get over it because there's sun and everyone enjoys sun. Then, the season keeps changing and all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving and this is usually when my tolerance for others goes down F A S T. "Day one, I'm thankful for my family" Day two. I'm thankful I have a job" "Day three through fourteen. I'm super late so I'm going to write a long novel about what I'm thankful for to make up for the days I missed." -I'm at fault for this too but in my defense I was 20 and a crowd follower ha ha. Thanksgiving dinner happens and we're all like, "everyone be safe and be kind." and then that same person who posted that beat someone up in Wal-Mart the next morning on black Friday over a T.V. like, weren't one of your thankful days that of being thankful you had a T.V. to watch the football kickoffs or whatever?

Then, that fucking Mariah Carey song is E V E R Y W H E R E you turn. One day I literally watched 3 Snapchats in a row and all 3 of them were of that song. #EyeRoll. And if it's not that song, it's every other Christmas song and you just want to punch a wall. I love country but the only thing worse than a Christmas song is a  country twang Christmas song. Y U C K. Then it snows and everyone's a far more shitty driver than usual and it's wet outside and your feet are cold, you slip and your hair is ruined. God forbid you go to any grocery store because you need food for the week. Everyone and their dog is there getting food and they're all ass holes as they stand in groups inconsiderate of others to oh, I don't know, move aside for someone maybe? You have to buy everyone a present and they never like it and most of the time they return it anyways so why bother?? But if you don't give a present you're a huge bitch. Whatever.

Please don't call me a Scrooge. I don't hate E V E R Y T H I N G about Christmas, really. My favorite thing is lights. Ever since I was a kid that was my favorite part of Christmas. Piling in the Suburban and driving around to all of the houses that had decorated. I enjoyed getting a tree this year and decorating it the way I wanted and turning it on at all times of the day. I decorated my banister and was one of the annoying bunch who wraps their door in cutsie paper. I love the spirit of it all and the way I feel when I see someone sparing change on the side of the street. Or footing the bill for whoever is behind them in the drive-thru. I love the kindness in certain people and the way they teach their kids honestly about who Santa really is. I love a child's innocence and how happy they get when the first snowflake falls. I love the beauty of the holidays. The people who give thanks and mean it. The time spent with your beautiful families and sharing more laughs and memories some even just small. I hate the nonsense of the holiday. I hate everything unnecessary. Most of the world ruins it for us small folk. I enjoy too much my simple life. I don't want all of those extravagant things. I just want you to be kind. I just want to love and see love from everyone else.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Absent Minded

These last few days have been very emotional for me. I have been second guessing myself over and over wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. I started to think that it would have been better had I stayed in the shadows like I always have. I knew that digging through my life would either make or break me and I honestly feel like it's breaking me more than it's making me into who I really am. I also have a lot of self doubt so I know that it's just that.

This post may be a little all over the place so I'm just full on warning you..

This morning I was doing my grave shift and I didn't get any sleep before hand because so much has been weighing on my mind. And also because me and my three sisters share a group text thread and sometimes I nap and wake up to 30 messages and yesterday I checked my phone and had 78 ha ha. Anyways, needless to say I was so incredibly tired so I started the shift with some coffee, and by that I mean two, and did random things to keep me awake. I changed the foil on the stove and I did a lot of weird snapchats  (I'm sorry). Randomly I had a thought about Bubba and was kind of blind sided. I'm a little weary of saying this but I need to..I realized in that moment that it had been days since I actually thought about Bubba. I know :/ I immediately felt like the worlds shittiest person. I felt like the worlds worst friend. How do you just not think about your best friend? After crying and staring at the ceiling apologizing I realized that I might not be the only one that this happens to. If this has never happened to you then whatever, you're a really good person and stuff. I had a vent session with a friend today and she confirmed that I am not the only one this has happened to..so, if you were previously judging me then you suck. She sometimes goes about her day and then realizes she hasn't really thought about her mother and said that it doesn't change her love in any way.

I have been doing so much lately. So much work trying to say three things I love about myself daily, complimenting at least three people and meaning it, and a mountain of work related things. My mom just left yesterday to Australia for four months and I have been having anxiety over that...if you know my relationship with my mom then you understand. I'm working on my relationship with Kyle and all of that seems to have sucked all of my mental time. Not all in a bad way either. Maybe what I am doing for myself and my overall happiness isn't what the mistake is. Maybe it is the load I have allowed myself to take on that is the mistake. I also tend to overthink and over-dramatize everything, welcome to my anxiety.

 I know that I carry Bubba with me everywhere I go, I know he is always there. I also know that I am a bother to some people when I constantly talk about Bubba because they feel uncomfortable and even immeasurable, or that I can't love again the way I loved him. And they're right. I will never find someone like Bub, and I will never love anyone the way that I loved him either and maybe that is the point. I mean really, I don't want to love my friends or future husband or children the way I loved Bubba because I want to love them the way I love them if that makes sense. Like, I will love them in our own unique and special way and hopefully that will be enough for them. Bubba was a beautiful chapter in my life and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time I start my new chapter and I have to be okay with that.

This is not a mistake. This is the only right thing I feel right now. My self doubt is strong. But it's not as strong as my gut that has been screaming every purpose I have and reasons why this is the farthest thing from a mistake. So, maybe I'm so busy I forgot a moment to think about Bubba, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. This is me opening my heart to new memories I deserve to have. I hope that you reading this opens your eyes too that it's okay to close the chapter. Your story doesn't stop there.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Cleanse

This week I dug into some old personal journal entries and some books that I filled with my feelings back in like 2007 when I was at my peak of depression. As the years have gone by I have dipped into those books and kind of skimmed through them but never really actually re-read anything. Since starting my journey I have felt this huge weight and couldn't figure out what it could be. And then I remembered my books.

I have a spare room in my apartment and have successfully turned it into what I wanted to be an office into a clutter of all of my garbage. Like, a corner of the room makes sense as it is pretty organized although the rest has like my laundry I never put away, a recliner, and a random mini dresser...anyway, don't judge me, I know you all have one of those rooms. I grabbed a book and sat in my recliner and began reading. So. much. darkness. So. much. hate. Reading what it was that was holding me back from any sort of happiness was really hard to do. I plugged in my paper shredder and shred that first page and no exaggeration a weight was removed. With each page I read, I shredded it. And had "no ragrets" -not even a letter. LOL. <-- brownie points if you know the movie!

I found a few journal entries that I talked about Him and how saddened I was that not only was it affecting me as a 15 year old, but I seemed to be most upset that I had lost my friend. My whole world was invaded and all I really talked about was that I was the bad guy, and I couldn't have my friend anymore. We are friends today but not like we used to be and that still makes me sad. As I read through everything, I still feel those effects today. I still feel like the bad guy and I still miss my friend but this journey of self redemption is more important to me than you'll ever know. So I shredded those pages. I took a deep breath and thought I would cry but instead, I smiled. I felt free.

Out of 3 completely full binders of handwritten emotions I kept O N E page. A page I wrote in creative writing. -Out of all of my school courses, I N E V E R missed a creative writing class or assignment- We were to write a characteristic stanza poem and what I wrote is something that I am trying to realize I AM. It's a poem that even as a depressed, suicidal teen, I tried to tell myself long ago. Now, I want to share it with you in hopes that maybe YOU can tell yourself that..

I am?
I am powerful and strong!
I wonder why stars don't sleep at night.
I hear silence in the world
I see heaven through the sky
I want to be safe and free
I am powerful and strong!

I pretend that I am one with the world
I feel gifted to do anything I want
I touch the hearts of people
I worry I won't make the gates of heaven
I cry for the innocent people suffering
I am powerful and strong!

I understand how life and death works
I say we are all strong enough
I dream to be accepted and fit in
I try to have my color and stand out
I hope for one day I get to see my friend in heaven
I am powerful and strong!

My load feels lighter. My heart feels lighter. My life feels lighter. I feel lighter. That part of my life is gone. I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. Hell, I'm not the same girl I was three months ago. When you decide to take control of YOUR life and choose what matters most to you not just in that moment, but what will benefit you and your health down the line, it's amazing what you can do. A cleanse was needed, and I loved how I felt as each page was disintegrated from my life. I don't live there anymore. I live here, in the present, with my family who wants nothing more than to see me soar, friends who love me and a boyfriend who adores me. I think I might actually like myself.. and that's all thanks to positive support and positive outlook. 

I am powerful and strong. And so are you.

XOXO