Monday, July 2, 2018

Why me or try me.

Remember that one time a few years ago when I woke up and decided I'd take control of my life, face every demon and win? I find myself about two years later and I seem to have lost that momentum. I constantly find myself asking "why me" nearly everyday. Recently, I have asked "why her" and I realize today I am starting a bad habit for my child. No matter your opinions or what you believe, I believe 1000% that she can feel what I feel. She absorbs my energy and if I am currently feeling "why me" and anxiety filled so will she.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is where your diaphragm doesn't close, thus leaving a hole welcoming organs into your chest area. That is what our child has. That news has brought a lot of tears and from there quite literally things have felt as though it has just gone downhill. After being poked almost too many times I have Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I feel somewhat of an expert with diabetes as a few I am close to have both type 1 and 2. Unfortunately, Gestational Diabetes is a little different from that. I hung up the phone and of course bawled. Pregnancy sure has a way of making you feel helpless with your emotions. I fell into a depressive state where I was saying to myself, "what else", which obviously I have quickly learned not to ask.

I ventured down to Primary Children's in Salt Lake with my mom last week to my fetal echo appointment and I was feeling extremely flustered. I had to fill out an information sheet and they asked questions that I felt they already knew as I had answered these questions before on the phone. They are also on my medical chart. -They literally asked if I was pregnant. "That's why I'm here" was my answer. I was called back and handed my sheet to the nurse and apologized as she read down the sheet for my sarcastic answers. Her facial expression changed and all I could say was "pretty sure you already have this information so I'm sorry if it's too sarcastic. I can redo it." The nurse was nice and  just moved on. The highlight of the appointment was seeing my child. Seeing her heart beating, seeing her moving and seeing the sweet smile on my moms face as she kept saying "you always did that too". The appointment was quiet and I desperately wanted the techs from Logan back. They didn't explain things, they whispered amongst themselves and I just laid there like "now what". A towel was tossed onto me and I was asked to rub the sticky jelly off my belly and come into the conference room when finished. We got into the conference room and the doctor began explaining his findings. I realized quickly that was why they didn't explain things in the room because they wanted to formally talk to us after but telling me that was their plan would have been cool. A condition called Ventricular Septal Defect was found. Essentially a hole in her heart. Immediately every word after that didn't make it through. All I could think of was that's what else. My eyes kept welling and I shook my head vigorously "yes" as he explained things but couldn't take anything else in. "It's repairable" was said many times. WHY!? Literally, why? I left the appointment in tears. I sat in the bathroom for a while trying to get myself together. I envy the women who get to enjoy their pregnancy. I feel angry.

The next day I had my first MRI and thought I wasn't going to fit all the way in there. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic! I felt snug enough I actually almost fell asleep. If it wasn't for the noisy machine I probably would have. We later met surgeons and NICU nurses and they were so friendly. They loaded us all with information and then asked if we had any questions. So glad I took my mom because she had several. She's never been afraid to speak up. Any questions that were asked were valued and explained in as much detail as possible. There was one NICU nurse that elaborated, for me anyway, what the doctors were saying in a language we understood. I think she's done this before. I felt fine and only thought about Kyle. I got home after a quiet ride in the car and just sat on the couch feeling so overwhelmed. The depressive state kept coming and I just laid in bed. I ignored nearly all the messages I had received that night and didn't call my sister even though I told her I would.

I thought, you got the wrong girl for this. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was sure I couldn't handle it and I am still struggling. It comes in waves and like I said, It's all about my positive energy. The following morning I messaged my bestie Jae and desperately asked for something to make me calm. Anything. She's into crystals and meditation and will be so perfect as baby's godmother. She took me to a health store and we walked around. I wasn't all in and had no idea what these things do if they worked. I was desperate to hold on to any hope. She did some things that I thought was really odd at first until it panned out and I will say, my child never kicked harder than when I held onto the crystals that I took home. They were exactly what I needed. She's going to be a Libra so I grabbed a baggie of mixed crystals I will give to her when she is ready. You can roll your eyes and say what you want about this but whatever helps you see the positive side of every situation I say do it.

Her hospital stay is projected at least 2 months pending surgeries etc. There may be more. I can't believe the outpour of love and support these last few days. From people I would never expect. God, this is so hard.

Things are always supposed to suck. How can you know Heaven if you don't know what Hell feels like? I need to understand that feeling my emotions is okay. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is okay. Needing a day where no one calls me is okay. But I have to utilize the strength I worked hard to have these last few years to be positive. To be able to teach my daughter that although life quite literally stomps you, you always have the option to be the one who gets up. My greatest trial is maintaining my positivity and thankfulness that I woke up today and that she is still alive. Hers will be learning that her strength outweighed every negative outcome. Someone with so many "problems" hasn't slowed down. Heartbeat is amazing, she says hi to me with some jabs. She is queen and why I feel so strongly the name we chose. Second hint - middle name starts with an R and is named after the first most important woman in my world. <3

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Storms, rainbows and updates

I am feeling guilty. And the worst part is there's really no reason to feel guilty. It's just that when I started blogging I made sure to never sugar coat and promised I would keep everyone updated especially during this pregnancy. When you think it will just be sunshine and glitter you make promises like that. But, when the going gets tough do you still update or do you keep it to yourself and closest family?

The day Kyle and I found out our little rainbow bean sprout was going to be a girl (I was right), it was both the best and most threatening time for us. Our little lady was rolling and punching and hyper as can be and things were in fact sunshine and glitter until the technician made her way to her abdomen and chest cavity. There was something extra in her chest and the tech, of course, wanted a second opinion so she took the shots, and warned us this might be bad news. We talked with our amazing OBGYN (seriously, Horsley, go see him) he explained that from the shots that the tech captured it appeared this little had a hernia in her diaphragm and something, he wasn't sure what, was pushing on her heart. He immediately made us an early appointment to see the fetal development doctors for the following week and it was the longest six days of uncertainty ever. It seems that news such as that can have a major affect on the excitement you feel knowing the sex of your baby. My sister planned and carried out the funnest gender reveal party and being tied into that it was a great distraction. The hardest part about those few days is that we had no idea if it was a for sure thing or if it was the way she was positioned. We told nobody until we attended that following appointment and had a solid diagnosis.

We talked with the new tech and the doctor and had another full body ultrasound where we were able to see very clearly what was wrong with our sprout. She has a congenital diaphragmatic hernia which means her diaphragm didn't form properly. This happens in early fetal development and occurs in 1 in every 3,000 babies. Essentially, there is a hole in her diaphragm that has allowed organs to move into her chest cavity. As of now, her stomach has entered her chest and is sitting on her left side while her heart has been pushed to the right. If we know our anatomy, the heart belongs on the left side. This happens when there is a missing, an extra or a broken chromosome. Best case scenario right how (I hate saying that) is that only her stomach is up there and nothing else tries to go up. Or of course, that the stomach goes back down. The stomach is able to fill up and empty so it isn't constantly applying pressure to her heart. The heartrate was 140 and she is very active. Despite everything she's doing really well.

Kyle and I went to this appointment alone because we didn't tell anyone and figured we could handle it. We spoke with a genetic counselor and went through known family history and nothing correlated to what was happening to us. A lot of things were said to us and honestly with news like this, you don't retain anything. The drive taking Kyle back to work was really hard. We were silent and I had to focus on my breathing so I didn't cry. I blindly drove to my moms and sat on her back steps while she happily washed the cobwebs off her windows. The second I tried to spit out what we went through that morning I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I realized while trying to answer her thousand questions I should have told her in the first place. Kyle and I told our families that week and felt some comfort knowing that there was so much love and support for us.

My dad is religious and gave me and our baby a blessing and while I don't feel 100% I do feel calmer. I'm not always worried through my day and I am able to focus at work. The doctor gave us a referral for the University where I will deliver. She will be taken immediately from me for surgery at Primary Childrens to reposition everything and that part is what scares me the most. I just didn't want anything to be wrong with her. The later update will be me going to the university in June for a fetal echo, an MRI and a meeting with the medical team that will be taking care of us.

Something that both Kyle and I are thankful for is our doctor. He called me to express he was sorry for the confirmation diagnosis and that he would be willing to still see us each month to save us a trip to Salt Lake. He gave me a list of my options for aid and told me to call any time. He is seriously my favorite doctor in the valley. I love the way that Kyle and I are together and that we can lean on each other and that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. He is my rock and I am so happy we are able to work together to be positive and communicate. 

An important thing to remember is that even though this is frightening and absolutely not what we were expecting to happen I am not broken. I am not on any restrictions and I am taking that as a win. Things can always be worse and right now I feel my baby and I know she is okay. We have a wonderful support team and I have even more support from you guys. I expressed this after my gender reveal but this rainbow is meant for amazing things. I know Z is still here to bless my family and she showed that with the beautiful heart that appeared in the pink smoke at the party. I know the seriousness of our situation and I know what can happen but why worry when you don't have to?

So, as promised, here is your update and I no longer feel guilty for leaving y'all in the dark. No rainbow comes without a storm. Believe.


Thursday, March 29, 2018

Pregnancy Bizarres

I am into my second trimester. For non moms, pregnancy is sectioned in trimesters which puts me at 14 weeks today. I am going to let out some things I have bottled up and it's a little real. But then again which post of mine isn't?

You announce your pregnancy and a flood of opinions come at you and you do your best to either tuck them away or dodge them completely. Many are actually super helpful and those tend to come from your own mother or women who are mother figures in your life. Others are acquaintances or friends that realistically shouldn't be handing out parenting advice. I was actually talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while and I told her I was pregnant and she said "OMG congrats girl! Make sure your child is gluten free and only breastfeed and then stay away from these types of people". I was like, "k" and haven't talked to her since. I would categorize her as the "types of people to stay away from". Advice is great. When you give it it's usually because you as a mom went through it and it either helped or went south. So, initially I take all advice and if its realistic I utilize it and if it's absolutely ridiculous I will nod and dismiss. Right now I am focusing on being able to bring our child into this world. I'll worry about the kids diet when they're here, k? Besides, it's nice to give and get advice but I am going to listen to my doctor because he's the best in the valley and what he says goes. He knows me and you don't. 

The pressure is on already about being the ideal model mother. Don't drink soda, drink this much water, don't eat this don't take that. I took prenatal vitamins before I got pregnant and then took them a little bit after my first positive test. About 7 weeks in I started throwing up my vitamins a few minutes after taking them. I mistook it for morning sickness and continued taking them. I talked to my doctor and we found that it was in fact my vitamins. Fun fact: some women can't take prenatals because if they're anemic or their iron levels are already up then they can reject the iron in the prenatal. Thus throwing them up. I am not anemic and am actually pretty healthy for not watching what I ate before conceiving. Folic acid is the most important to get into your body. So now I just take folic acid by itself and I have been great. That is something that I struggled deciding to share because I know what people say and I know how they think. But, like I said, my doctor knows me and you don't. I don't drink multiple cups of coffee a day. I actually haven't had any if you can believe that. I will rarely get soda and I don't drink much of it. So there really isn't anything I am doing that is so bad.  

Attitude is something I have been struggling with. I have been fortunate to not have a really hard time being pregnant. I don't get sick often at all and I can eat and keep down everything. For the most part I am still my oober calm self. I am really chill and I don't lose my patience easily. Right now I accepted a ginormous load at work which has come with lots of overtime. I am super grateful for the money because obviously we are going to need it now more than ever but it definitely uses all of my energy. I do so good at work all day and the second I come home I'm done. I have been touched all day don't touch me. I attended to peoples every need please do something yourself. Some days are good and I come home and I get to spend time with Kyle before bed but other days I am like, "don't talk to me". This week I have been feeling more short in my patience and I have told people off without thinking. -not at work just in general interactions. I hope that lightens up because I don't like to be the bad guy right now or ever!

Lastly, for all you moms out there what were your dreams like? Mine have been SO crazy! Last night I had an all night nightmare. I would wake up and fall right back into it. I remember every detail and it was pretty realistic. I move more in my sleep -if you can believe that. My dreams are so freaky and last night I elbowed Kyle right in the side of his poor head. He doesn't get much sleep and I feel so terrible. I know that your brain changes shape while you are pregnant and that's where pregnancy brain comes from and probably why I have such outrageous dreams. They feel a little bit like Melatonin dreams. I used to take Melatonin before bed and it would make me have wild dreams. Pregnancy just makes me have nightmares. 

I hope that this is something that can shed a little truth on everyone. Whether you were a mom that was frustrated with judgement or tired of opinions of people who didn't get it. I know at least one of you have been there. My advice is to not be that person who is overbearing. Don't scare your newly pregnant friends away...I just wanted to share my excitement. Also, Baby P is the size of a troll doll this week. Which was fun to tell my nephew obsessed with the Trolls movie. <3


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Our News

If you didn't catch that, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

They say that losing a child is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. That it effects the entire family and it is 100% accurate. After my family experienced our first death of a child last August it has effected each member of my family incredibly deep and significantly different. We are all on different roads of healing. Some can't be in the same room as a baby, others haven't held one since holding Zayley's lifeless body. 

My road took me on bumps and sharp corners and all of a sudden I realized I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy and I felt as though all of my progress on my personal development had vanished in a blink of an eye. I am extremely close to my brother Michael and watching him destroyed me and he'll never know how many times a day I prayed for him. I haven't ever wanted kids and I told everyone I would just be the "cool aunt" and I was content. I helped raise my brothers two girls for several years and I always said that they were all the kids I ever needed. Then I met my perfect Kyle.

We both decided we wanted to start our own little family and it kept not happening. It was a rough rollercoaster and thinking there was something wrong with either of us. The day after Z's funeral I didn't want one. I didn't want to hold anybody's children despite their age. I avoided babies and admired from afar as I would try to not cry. I get that made me seem rude to some who have either never experienced baby loss or who didn't know what had even happened. I went from someone who held all the babies and expressed that I wanted one to avoiding you and refusing to hold your baby. After lots of work to push through my fears and being surrounded by people who didn't care if I bawled my eyes out while I held your precious babies. I was starting to be okay with the thought of having one again. We continued our life with the knowledge that if it happened we were going to be happy and the night I found out I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was "thank you". 

When a family loses a baby the next one born is considered a "rainbow baby". I am carrying not only my first child but I am carrying the very thing that is meant to give my family great healing. I am incredibly blessed to have found Kyle who has always understood and who shows his excitement everyday!! The moment that this rainbow is born and my family is able to be in the room with great joy is what I am most looking forward to. What a perfect moment and perfect baby.

We will continue to share our excitement and blog my progress so make sure you follow along!! (:
After every storm there is a rainbow of hope. Ours is due September 27, 2018.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Change.

They say change is good for you. I have struggled all of my life to understand why it's good, especially right now. I am a Taurus. My nature is consistency. I need schedules and plans. I need people in my life to stay there and when they leave I struggle to remold.

I felt like I had it all for a few months. I was loving my little makeup biz and for once I enjoyed to the full extent meeting new friends. I had a solid group of employees and for once the waters of my life were calm. Like all things, that didn't last long. The passing of my grandma has been coming back to me in subtle ways that make me feel peaceful. However, the realization I can't go to her house anymore, play in her basement, hear her infectious laugh or see her perfect smile, even trying to catch up to her in bingo at Christmas is knocking me down. My grandma has always been there, if I missed one Christmas party she was always at the next one. If I missed seeing her for whatever reason I knew she'd be there tomorrow. She isn't here anymore the way I need her to be and its more apparent everyday. When I lost my niece I was at a point in my life where I was reading positive affirmations daily, I was praying to a God that for a long time thought didn't really exist. When you experience infant or child loss you feel where they go, at least I did. Reading positive affirmations helped me stay on the positive side of the situation where I was able to feel what I couldn't had I shut down. I haven't cried that hard since Bubba passed. I know what she was here for and that will stay with me. But walking through my parents door and feeling my brothers energy, his depression and the way my parents talk softer now is what I can't seem to fight. Watching what feels like my family falling apart makes me want to take back everything I thought I had together. My parents recently threw out just about their whole home, furniture, everything. They have no carpet, no wallpaper and are slowly renovating. This change isn't just affecting me, but when I go to their house it doesn't feel like "home".

During all of these changes, I still had my trusty friends at work. We were there for each other and I was holding onto that shred of my life that hadn't changed yet. We lost one of our clients that we work everyday with. -and I will say, because you'll meet people that just "work here", she was my family. I didn't just work with her, my whole world was her and I was happy. She was sudden and that was my last straw. At that point, I had become so numb with the thought of losing yet another person that I just couldn't react. I had no more energy and I remember just dragging through that time. My house staff dropped like flies after that and I only still speak to one of those people other than the two that still work with me. This is where my heart breaks. We don't speak. Not through texting or calls, not even through comments on Facebook. It's not that any of us dislikes the other, I think it's just that we don't know what to say now. We are all broken and despite our solid glue it just wasn't enough. All things in time. Just makes the now harder while we wait for later.

I am not sure why I am surrounded by so much death. Sometimes I feel like bad luck and almost that I would just rather not meet anyone new again. When normal people (like you) meet someone you think of all of the future conversations you will have, whether or not you're going to be friends forever or not. Honestly, and this is really dark, but I think about how long until they are going to die. Right now, that is all my heart feels and its crushing me. I had it together. I really did. I do the things I need to each day and some days I count the hours until bedtime. Some days I catch a glimpse of the girl who was happy six months ago and I hold onto her for as long as I can until she fades away. I am surviving and that is no way to live.

Things that have helped me in the past to get through dark times aren't working right now. I am trekking through a lot of garbage and really it's just day by day. If you catch a glimpse of the girl that was me, please tell me so I can see her too. I miss her.

Believe

Monday, September 18, 2017

Rainbows and Tomorrow

I sit here in a semi dark kitchen listening to Evening Esence (childhood joke). It is quiet with soft sounds of bubbles in the fish tank. My heart keeps sinking and my stomach is in countless knots as I strive to regain control from this weekend. I begin to cry and with my quivering chin I struggle to remember why I even started this. I long for the sound of a bedroom alarm, small giggles and fingers running along the wall. Around this time (3:30am) is when this happens and sets me into a new wind to make it through another overnight shift. I don't hear that this time and I have to remind myself why. As I sit here typing, the tears won't stop and most of me doesn't care. These are tears that have loved. I begin to sob and immediately place my hands over my mouth to minimize the sound escaping to not wake the others. I silently beg for comfort. It's too quiet in here and I wish I could wake up. And the cruel truth is I am awake and this really is happening.

August 26th my whanau lost one of our own and exactly four weeks later I would lose another. I wish there was a "life book" you could read so you knew what was coming. If I would have known, I would have held you longer before I left the house. I would have done everything slower to selfishly soak up more time. I would have given you all of the candy you asked for and played Witch one more time but I didn't. We can wish for everything we want to but life is that. Life. I remind myself everyday that life is happening for me. Stones are placed in my way to guide me but I really feel this stone was unnecessary. But with all the stones I have said that about before have shown me why they were there.

My sweet, I can't forget the laugh that instantly brought giggles from everyone else in the room. The perfectly timed giggles. The hearts you changed, mine especially. You are so perfect and I will always remember the way you held my face when you knew it was me. How you could pull off turtle neck sweaters like a boss. You made everything look good. I now love pumpkins more because of you. Halloween will always be sweeter than it ever was because Halloween was you. You taught me patience I never knew was within me. I will cherish the small things for they hold the most importance for me.


It's hard to say goodbye to so many and I feel like I have some to spare. I feel more peace knowing who my angels are and they will never leave me. How great will MY welcome home be when my time comes?

Believe

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Believe

Welcome to the blog by the girl who is ever-changing. I truly believe that we should never stop finding new ways to change for the better. I changed again.

My Great Grandma Pearl ended her journey in this realm and entered another where her soul was freed. I don't handle death well and being very in tune with my emotions at all times I feel deeply the effects of loss. I heard the news with only two days to say goodbye forever and I didn't take it lightly. I didn't feel like going down and saying goodbye because "been there done that never again". Before I knew it I was switching shifts around so that I could go down and say my goodbyes and be with my family. I backed out three times and ran the girl at my work crazy probably as I kept saying "wait, I can't go down. Wait, yes I can". I saddled up and I drove down. I knew in my heart I would regret missing that last goodbye. I arrived, and my vibes were all over the place. My grandma was in her home and was surrounded by her family and I couldn't bring myself to turn around and greet a single person. I walked around towards the hallway door entering my favorite place to play as a child. I sat with my niece and nephew and watched them play with the old toys that I once used in the basement I grew up in. When I went upstairs it was hard to see her. It's hard to see someone you have known your whole life be so alive and active to be so helpless laying on her couch. The more I sat and talked to my family the easier it was to live in that moment. There were laughs. Many of them. Most of them came from the words of the sweet woman laying on the couch. I sat next to her and held her hand after battling myself for hours. My sister, Laura rubbed her other hand and I felt the calmest I had felt in those few days.

I drove an hour North and had a lot of time to think about what I was feeling. I tried to process the emotions I had because they were unusual. I will tell you what I didn't feel. I didn't feel upset or sad, angry or confused. Those are my immediate feelings during a time like this. I felt calm and I understood what was happening. My grandma was ready. God was ready for her to come home. You hear it all the time how when God takes you back it's because you finished your duties here in this life and you're needed for what is beyond. You never really understand it until, well, until you understand it. I finally get it. Flashbacks of my life with my grandma came flooding and I pulled over my truck to embrace them in the happiest tears I never knew I'd shed. She was there when I turned eight and gave me a "My Baptism" activity coloring book. She laid down with me on my living room floor after my baptism and we did the entire book together. That memory has kept coming to light constantly since she left us. My grandma was hilarious, and she was SO full of life. I miss her.

I got the message the next night that she had passed and I still didn't feel my typical emotions, instead I looked up and smiled for her. Two days later, I left to Australia thus missing the funeral. I was okay with missing it. Really. I felt and still feel that she is safe. Her passing made me feel like it was okay to rejoice her life. I will never forget her and if anything, she brought the family closer together.

I will see her again. Until then, I won't stop growing and I will keep finding purpose to breathe. Which now brings me to my trip that changed everything.

Every year on my birthday I would wish for two things. Disneyland and Australia. Every year it didn't come, but that didn't stop me. This year my sister surprised me by taking me to Disney to meet my favorite FAVORITE princess -Ariel of course(; and I came home to news I would be leaving to surprise my Auntie Larni for her birthday in Australia. As I processed this, all I could think about was how I blogged, and continued to tell myself everyday that this was MY year. And it is. Being in Australia was wasn't really all that different from being home. I didn't have any major culture shocks because I went there with an open mind that I was going to make the absolute best of my trip no matter what. I wanted to learn and I wanted to grow. Trees in an abundance. Chop one down, plant 100 more. Meat pies (steak and tomato!). All the candy and Tim Tams. I saw things I wanted to see. Animals and family and oceans and lakes. I am an observer by nature and that usually classifieds me as the "quiet girl". I observed my family and the ways that they interacted with each other and their friends. How they really are when no ones watching. It all comes down to one thing. Love. I have been striving to find simplicity in my life. I have also been thinking a lot about religion.

I sat around a table with my aunties and uncles with their friends and watched how they just didn't have a care in the world. They weren't talking about stresses in their lives or the bills they still had to pay. They sat around a table and talked to each other about fishing, boating, what they were gonna eat for tea later. They laughed and it was full belly laughs. I went to bed one night and was overwhelmed by my emotions because here at home, I am consumed by what I didn't get done that day. I don't sit around a table with my friends and family because I am so busy doing the things I think I HAVE to get done and so much time has passed and the only thing I have to show for my "hard work" is a pat on the back. Where is the love that I crave daily? Where are the hugs and kissed cheeks? I have decided that if something doesn't serve me with love and space to grow I don't need it. I don't want to fill my heart with hatred for people who have wronged me. I want to show them mercy. I am human too. I want more table conversations where we talk about the meaning of life, how much we love each other and most importantly I want to talk about what we DON'T have to do today but what we want to do.

For the few weeks I was in Australia it didn't hurt to think. Things came easily to me mentally. I opened my soul and embraced Australia for the beauty I knew it would be. I never talk about religious things because I never really labeled myself "religious". I believe in God. But I believe that my relationship is mine and only mine. I can parade around all day talking about what me and God talk to each other about but that's not going to make you believe it's just going to make me look like an idiot who is obsessed with God haha. God is love. God is accepting. God is simplicity. God isn't judgement. God isn't hatred. God doesn't shun. God forgives. God is inside of me. I felt his embrace as I walked along the beach. I felt him as for once I handled being around my mom for days on end and neither of us wanted to punch each other in the throat. He has made me gentle. I am a hard shell. I speak loud, I yell loud, I am everywhere always mentally and physically. Since coming home, I feel soft. I feel happy and that's what matters.

Don't let what you have to get done consume your world. Don't let what people said about you make you hard. Don't let what happened to you in the past turn your heart dark. I came from a very dark place and I got through it. If I can help just ONE person turn their heart to love instead of hate then I have served my purpose here in this life. I battle myself everyday but I have more angels in my life than demons and that is what helps me shut them up. If what you are doing doesn't serve you complete happiness then you don't need it. Give it up, you'll be happy you did.

Believe.