Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry, Happy Christmas.

I am sitting in my little decorated home alone this year and thought about this God forsaken holiday and how I wanted to share with you all why I hate it. (:

Ok, so, a few years ago I wrote a post about humans being greedy monsters and that was the reason that I hated this holiday..and that is still currently very accurate. I really dislike how at the beginning of the year we are all "I'm going to be a better me" with our stupid resolutions that last 2 weeks. Kudos to you if your resolution never ended (1%). Then we get into the spring and summer months and yeah, everyone is an asshole, but you get over it because there's sun and everyone enjoys sun. Then, the season keeps changing and all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving and this is usually when my tolerance for others goes down F A S T. "Day one, I'm thankful for my family" Day two. I'm thankful I have a job" "Day three through fourteen. I'm super late so I'm going to write a long novel about what I'm thankful for to make up for the days I missed." -I'm at fault for this too but in my defense I was 20 and a crowd follower ha ha. Thanksgiving dinner happens and we're all like, "everyone be safe and be kind." and then that same person who posted that beat someone up in Wal-Mart the next morning on black Friday over a T.V. like, weren't one of your thankful days that of being thankful you had a T.V. to watch the football kickoffs or whatever?

Then, that fucking Mariah Carey song is E V E R Y W H E R E you turn. One day I literally watched 3 Snapchats in a row and all 3 of them were of that song. #EyeRoll. And if it's not that song, it's every other Christmas song and you just want to punch a wall. I love country but the only thing worse than a Christmas song is a  country twang Christmas song. Y U C K. Then it snows and everyone's a far more shitty driver than usual and it's wet outside and your feet are cold, you slip and your hair is ruined. God forbid you go to any grocery store because you need food for the week. Everyone and their dog is there getting food and they're all ass holes as they stand in groups inconsiderate of others to oh, I don't know, move aside for someone maybe? You have to buy everyone a present and they never like it and most of the time they return it anyways so why bother?? But if you don't give a present you're a huge bitch. Whatever.

Please don't call me a Scrooge. I don't hate E V E R Y T H I N G about Christmas, really. My favorite thing is lights. Ever since I was a kid that was my favorite part of Christmas. Piling in the Suburban and driving around to all of the houses that had decorated. I enjoyed getting a tree this year and decorating it the way I wanted and turning it on at all times of the day. I decorated my banister and was one of the annoying bunch who wraps their door in cutsie paper. I love the spirit of it all and the way I feel when I see someone sparing change on the side of the street. Or footing the bill for whoever is behind them in the drive-thru. I love the kindness in certain people and the way they teach their kids honestly about who Santa really is. I love a child's innocence and how happy they get when the first snowflake falls. I love the beauty of the holidays. The people who give thanks and mean it. The time spent with your beautiful families and sharing more laughs and memories some even just small. I hate the nonsense of the holiday. I hate everything unnecessary. Most of the world ruins it for us small folk. I enjoy too much my simple life. I don't want all of those extravagant things. I just want you to be kind. I just want to love and see love from everyone else.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Absent Minded

These last few days have been very emotional for me. I have been second guessing myself over and over wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. I started to think that it would have been better had I stayed in the shadows like I always have. I knew that digging through my life would either make or break me and I honestly feel like it's breaking me more than it's making me into who I really am. I also have a lot of self doubt so I know that it's just that.

This post may be a little all over the place so I'm just full on warning you..

This morning I was doing my grave shift and I didn't get any sleep before hand because so much has been weighing on my mind. And also because me and my three sisters share a group text thread and sometimes I nap and wake up to 30 messages and yesterday I checked my phone and had 78 ha ha. Anyways, needless to say I was so incredibly tired so I started the shift with some coffee, and by that I mean two, and did random things to keep me awake. I changed the foil on the stove and I did a lot of weird snapchats  (I'm sorry). Randomly I had a thought about Bubba and was kind of blind sided. I'm a little weary of saying this but I need to..I realized in that moment that it had been days since I actually thought about Bubba. I know :/ I immediately felt like the worlds shittiest person. I felt like the worlds worst friend. How do you just not think about your best friend? After crying and staring at the ceiling apologizing I realized that I might not be the only one that this happens to. If this has never happened to you then whatever, you're a really good person and stuff. I had a vent session with a friend today and she confirmed that I am not the only one this has happened, if you were previously judging me then you suck. She sometimes goes about her day and then realizes she hasn't really thought about her mother and said that it doesn't change her love in any way.

I have been doing so much lately. So much work trying to say three things I love about myself daily, complimenting at least three people and meaning it, and a mountain of work related things. My mom just left yesterday to Australia for four months and I have been having anxiety over that...if you know my relationship with my mom then you understand. I'm working on my relationship with Kyle and all of that seems to have sucked all of my mental time. Not all in a bad way either. Maybe what I am doing for myself and my overall happiness isn't what the mistake is. Maybe it is the load I have allowed myself to take on that is the mistake. I also tend to overthink and over-dramatize everything, welcome to my anxiety.

 I know that I carry Bubba with me everywhere I go, I know he is always there. I also know that I am a bother to some people when I constantly talk about Bubba because they feel uncomfortable and even immeasurable, or that I can't love again the way I loved him. And they're right. I will never find someone like Bub, and I will never love anyone the way that I loved him either and maybe that is the point. I mean really, I don't want to love my friends or future husband or children the way I loved Bubba because I want to love them the way I love them if that makes sense. Like, I will love them in our own unique and special way and hopefully that will be enough for them. Bubba was a beautiful chapter in my life and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time I start my new chapter and I have to be okay with that.

This is not a mistake. This is the only right thing I feel right now. My self doubt is strong. But it's not as strong as my gut that has been screaming every purpose I have and reasons why this is the farthest thing from a mistake. So, maybe I'm so busy I forgot a moment to think about Bubba, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. This is me opening my heart to new memories I deserve to have. I hope that you reading this opens your eyes too that it's okay to close the chapter. Your story doesn't stop there.

Saturday, November 26, 2016


This week I dug into some old personal journal entries and some books that I filled with my feelings back in like 2007 when I was at my peak of depression. As the years have gone by I have dipped into those books and kind of skimmed through them but never really actually re-read anything. Since starting my journey I have felt this huge weight and couldn't figure out what it could be. And then I remembered my books.

I have a spare room in my apartment and have successfully turned it into what I wanted to be an office into a clutter of all of my garbage. Like, a corner of the room makes sense as it is pretty organized although the rest has like my laundry I never put away, a recliner, and a random mini dresser...anyway, don't judge me, I know you all have one of those rooms. I grabbed a book and sat in my recliner and began reading. So. much. darkness. So. much. hate. Reading what it was that was holding me back from any sort of happiness was really hard to do. I plugged in my paper shredder and shred that first page and no exaggeration a weight was removed. With each page I read, I shredded it. And had "no ragrets" -not even a letter. LOL. <-- brownie points if you know the movie!

I found a few journal entries that I talked about Him and how saddened I was that not only was it affecting me as a 15 year old, but I seemed to be most upset that I had lost my friend. My whole world was invaded and all I really talked about was that I was the bad guy, and I couldn't have my friend anymore. We are friends today but not like we used to be and that still makes me sad. As I read through everything, I still feel those effects today. I still feel like the bad guy and I still miss my friend but this journey of self redemption is more important to me than you'll ever know. So I shredded those pages. I took a deep breath and thought I would cry but instead, I smiled. I felt free.

Out of 3 completely full binders of handwritten emotions I kept O N E page. A page I wrote in creative writing. -Out of all of my school courses, I N E V E R missed a creative writing class or assignment- We were to write a characteristic stanza poem and what I wrote is something that I am trying to realize I AM. It's a poem that even as a depressed, suicidal teen, I tried to tell myself long ago. Now, I want to share it with you in hopes that maybe YOU can tell yourself that..

I am?
I am powerful and strong!
I wonder why stars don't sleep at night.
I hear silence in the world
I see heaven through the sky
I want to be safe and free
I am powerful and strong!

I pretend that I am one with the world
I feel gifted to do anything I want
I touch the hearts of people
I worry I won't make the gates of heaven
I cry for the innocent people suffering
I am powerful and strong!

I understand how life and death works
I say we are all strong enough
I dream to be accepted and fit in
I try to have my color and stand out
I hope for one day I get to see my friend in heaven
I am powerful and strong!

My load feels lighter. My heart feels lighter. My life feels lighter. I feel lighter. That part of my life is gone. I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. Hell, I'm not the same girl I was three months ago. When you decide to take control of YOUR life and choose what matters most to you not just in that moment, but what will benefit you and your health down the line, it's amazing what you can do. A cleanse was needed, and I loved how I felt as each page was disintegrated from my life. I don't live there anymore. I live here, in the present, with my family who wants nothing more than to see me soar, friends who love me and a boyfriend who adores me. I think I might actually like myself.. and that's all thanks to positive support and positive outlook. 

I am powerful and strong. And so are you.


Friday, November 18, 2016

Self Image

I want you to take a long look at this second photo. How many of you have ever been called one of these names in a negative way? Which word stands out the most to you, or which one do you relate to most? These are things that I have been called all of my life. Some a little more harshly than others and before I knew it, these things became a part of me. Every time you said "we don't need that hoe" in my head I agreed with you and didn't even want myself. Today, I stripped everything down for you and exposed how I feel about myself. Exposing to you what I have allowed to effect me so deeply. I have spent so much of my life ashamed of my past, ashamed and I crucified myself. 

  • Whore
  • Annoying
  • Slut
  • Depressing
  • Ugly
  • Hoe
  • Failure
  • Helpless
  • Suicidal
  • Disgusting
  • Worthless
  • Selfish
  • Immeasurable
  • Garbage
  • Good For Nothing
  • Unloving
  • Trash
  • Bitch
  • Judgmental
  • Dirt
  • Broken
  • Stupid
  • Fat
Looking at all of the words that I chose to show you it saddens me that we ALL tear each other down. We ALL feel this way deep down and maybe if we call someone else a "slut" we'll feel better. I feel repulsive, how could anyone love someone with all of these ugly attributes? And how could anyone love someone who has let all of these things become a part of me, or allowed someone else to feel in return? This is not me. And this is not you.

In This Moment has a song named "whore" and I recommend you go listen. "I am the dirt you created. I am your sinner I am your whore." Someone once told you you would never amount to anything and that you were absolute shit. You were worthless and would never find someone to love you. That you were trash and a slut. Whatever it was that made you feel so deeply IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE. These things do not make me who I am today. What I choose to do about them makes me who I am today. I will never get anywhere in life carrying these around. I will never love the right way because thoughts of "no one loves a judgmental, unloving, good for nothing bitch." That sounds a little out there but I know there is at least one person reading this that is thinking "true". 

This starts with you. What are you tired of? What do you want to change? The first realization is that all of the hard times in my life were blessings in disguise. I don't practice any religion but I do believe in God and I believe that he had a plan for the best me....and this is not it. I can mend my ways and let go of these things that you say to me. I can turn this into something powerful and liberating, and that's what I did today. Looking at a picture of me in my bra and underwear and saying "she's fat" well, I already know that, obviously...I wrote it in large letters on my fat stomach. :) There is nothing that anyone can say about me that I have not already been called or have not already thought about myself. And now, there is nothing you can say that will hurt me.


Goodbye to the Annie that let everything get to her. That couldn't move on because she wasn't good enough to have the best life and someone to love her. Goodbye to all of the negative things you called me or said that I was. This is not me. This will never be me. I am so much more and I can't wait to show you that! 

Thank you for your continued support and love. One day I'll get there too. 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Positive Changes

*Before you read this, especially my family, I’m making a life change. I am expressing a lot of harbored shit that I am finally ready to let go of. This is a very emotional post, but I have to do this. This is not a pity party. This is not to say how terrible I’ve had it in life. I’m rising above all of the negative aspects of my life and turning it into positive motivation for a brighter future. I was real. And I want you to be supportive on this journey. *

Have you ever done something that made you wake up? I mean really wake up. About a month or so ago I was at my sister’s house hanging out and playing with my cutest Caden. I used her bathroom and without even thinking, I used her scale – I know bad idea. I cried. I was so disgusted as I looked at where the arrow was pointing…sick. Through the tears my entire life changed. Seriously. So, with that you’re about to go into my first month of life changes and where the hell I’m even heading.
For over a year my finger friend Jae has been encouraging me to go to the gym. Mostly because you need buddies for that kind of stuff and she wanted me to be her buddy. Since I’m already her “person” I should be her buddy too, right? Anyway, I basically told her “no” like every day... and I couldn’t even lie most days and say “I have to work” ‘cuz like she was my boss haha. She even called it the ice cream shop, still didn’t go. Before I knew it, I reached my heaviest weight. Usually when you let your weight go, you’re not really letting it go on purpose, most of the time you don’t realize that its even happening. After seeing the scale, I got a fire in me. I started doing yoga, and I started going to the gym. Hell, I’ve even been working out on graves. I’ve changed my eating habits and completely 180’d my life!
Then I thought, It's kind of dumb of me to just exercise and lose the weight. Anyone can do that. I want to make more than a change. I want to completely turn my whole view on life around and see things at a more positive angle. I want to be happy. So, I've been uncomfortably trying to get myself to address certain things in my life that have been weighing me down for many many years. and this is something that if you want to follow my blog still after reading this, is going to be pretty life changing for you too hopefully.
I’ve never had good self-esteem. Ever. I have 3 BEAUTIFUL sisters and they each have their own “thing” like not a nickname but more of a feature. Beth is the pretty one, Laura is the funny one, Carrie is the smart one and I was always told “and Anne’s just….Anne.” I never measure up to my sisters and that’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I just want to be one of them, I always went to extremes to get them to tell me “Annie you look so beautiful”! or “Annie you’re perfect the way you are”. It sounds super corny and maybe even a little petty, but it’s something I rarely hear. Instead, I get swept aside because my hair is out of place, my brows don’t match, my clothes are too tight, my boyfriend is too ugly. So I just accepted that I will never be like them and it would be okay, because I liked me, and there are people who thought I was cool. Now that we are all older it’s gotten easier. They’re more supportive of me and they finally like who I’m dating (who doesn’t) and it’s gotten easier to brush “Annie, go put makeup on, you look ugly” aside, but there’s still damage.
 I didn’t want to start going to the gym and just lose the weight. I wanted to change my life. I’m not happy, even though I said I liked myself I really didn’t. I wanted to but I couldn’t, what’s to like? I carry a lot of baggage and I feel dirty. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. In order to change my life, I have to relive certain things, even the ugly ones. I have to forgive those who have wronged me. I have to forgive myself for why I held onto such things, like spending so much of my life trying to be like my sisters instead of just being me. If you’ve been following my blog prior to this post then you know a really big non-secret I’ve been harboring for many years. I’ve been told “just get over it already” and that makes me so mad, like, uncontrollably mad. How are you supposed to just get over something like that? I carry a lot of hatred for him…even for his wife...who had nothing to do with it. But I realized something. While I am sitting here drowning in solitude he is living his life. He’s married, he has kids, he owns a home and has animals and a car and a job. He has a LIFE. And what do I have? Grudges. Anger. Hatred. Nightmares. 
I need to let this go. 
I have to let this go.
For a few years now I’ve listened to the metal band, In This Moment. If you know who they are, you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, keep reading. Yes, aside from having kick ass songs from a beautiful melodic queen (seriously) they have a goal. Positivity. How many metal bands can you name that dedicate EVERY song to be an uplifting lyric? Super quick back story to the singer. Names Maria Brink. She was raped by her step father for years, lost her mother to drugs for a while, had a kid at age 15, dropped out of school, list goes on. Anyway, SHE stayed positive, even when she wanted to kill herself she knew the pain couldn’t last forever. She rebuilt herself and is helping others do the same through her music. She forgave and to be able to do that is so inspiring to me. How many nights she must have prayed for guidance, for peace. She is so humble and I absolutely LOVE her!!
I was asked a few days ago that if I feel the need to forgive him, why haven’t I done that yet. And the answer is simple. I can’t forgive until I have started to heal. And I cannot heal until I start working on myself. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and say at least 5 positive things and mean it. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling shame. I want to go to sleep at night and have dreams about unicorns and zombies, instead of re-dreaming that night. Literally, over and over again. This is a transition of complete change and that is something that cannot happen if I want to do it the correct way, and especially overnight.
I have to say, my sweet Kyle has been so amazing and so very patient. Every day he lifts me up, makes me laugh, makes me love. He gets me. He knows this is hard for me. I want to be able to not let so many things impact me so deeply and I want to be someone that I am proud of for a change. So if you are still reading (I hope you are) please follow my journey of positive change…because this is something you won’t want to miss. 
I promise.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Perfect Timing.

Do you believe in timing? I do.
In 18 days I will have reached one whole year without my sweet Bubba. This last year has been so fucking hard to say the least. I read my blog posts from last year and I am happy to say that I am doing so much better than I was. I was such a lost soul. I didn’t know who to talk to, or listen to. One single person should not have to lose that many important souls in one year. In one lifetime. But it happens and I have yet to find the purpose.

Even though I am in a better place than I was last year it does not in any way mean that I hold the answers I was looking for. But, I did get something that I wished for every day. Some days I would scream this wish and became desperate for this wish even. Then, when I settled down it came. Bubba gave me Kyle and Bubba gave Kyle me. Kyle has been in my life for a few years but not like he is right now. Our love came out of nowhere and I wouldn’t trade it for anything you have to offer.

I believe in timing. I believe that Kyle opened his eyes at just the right moment…just as we were both about to lose control of life. Bubba brought two broken souls together who unconsciously fell completely in love and knew exactly how to make the other happy. This love is intoxicating, liberating, joyful, playful, strong, real. I begged…daily. I begged for someone to find me and help me find myself. I wanted to love someone again. They say you can’t love someone when you aren’t able to love yourself. The pieces fell together so beautifully and I make sure Kyle knows how much I cherish him. He is my life. He is my best friend. He makes me find new ways of loving myself again even when I fight it.

I have one hell of a guardian angel looking out for me. Lots of things happen in my life and most of the time I just pick it up and go on with life. Other times though I know it’s my Bub and I just have to take a second and be grateful and smile at the sky. This whole thing makes me so incredibly emotional but it’s mostly happy. Kyle saved me and there is never a day I don’t feel love. We are exactly what the other needs and I believe that others see the major change in both of us individually and we have Bubba to thank for that!

Thank you friend. I’ll be seeing you.