Monday, June 26, 2017

The best is yet to be.

My world has been silent from your end. It's almost like I've gone away on a vacation I have yet to return from. My world has been hectic on my end. I have been running around in my mind, uprooted myself and have jumped through countless hoops that are on fire. Right now I feel like a circus act, but who doesn't?

Chapter One:
I started my own makeup business and I love it! Sure, I get it, there are a ton of makeup recourses, but my reasoning resonates deep down. To accomplish anything in life you need to have a reason. Why are you going through so much trouble to get something back? Maybe it's to feed your family of four, or to pay your way through college or give back to your community. Maybe it's because you believe in yourself and you believe in the cause. I own my makeup business through Younique. I'm not the best yet, but I will be. There are countless women I have met that are building their empires and believe in small people like myself. I have reconnected with old friends and have met so many new kindred spirits. This aspect of my life has been absolutely beautiful and I feel like I have flourished into a kinder more patient woman. I get to uplift women and help them feel validated and do so WITHOUT makeup. Pretty cool.

I went to Disneyland after my birthday in April and met my one and only Princess Ariel. I welled with tears the moment she turned around. She was everything I imagined and I was past fan girl and entered childhood playtime. I ate at the Grotto and met countless princesses who were also perfection! I loved that you leave at the gates your entire outside world and you enter into this beautiful realm where E V E R Y T H I N G is possible. No one gives a shit about your outfit, or how much money you have, or what job you have. You are all children again. There's bubbles shooting out everywhere you turn, there are children getting their royal treatments and the nicest staffing you'll ever meet. I still can't believe it took me 25 years to get there.

My favorite band has released two songs from their new album and I am obsessed. I've been anticipating the arrival since 2014!! I preordered the album as soon as it was available on ITunes and cannot wait for the rest of the album. In This Moment is beautiful and if you have never heard them you need to. Serious.

Not all things have been peachy. As with every positive aspect of life, there needs to be trials, tears and frustration. This is the part where those hoops on fire come in. If you have followed me from the very start you have seen my financial journey and read about it. Well, as with many other adults, I am still struggling. So much that I lost my home. I am a person who desires stability. I need roots. I rooted myself into my home because that's normal and then I had to uproot and leave in just two days. Thankful to my beautiful friends who folded my clothes into boxes and carried dressers down the stairs and into a truck. Friends who brought two trucks completely stuffed and moved into the place I will reroot for the next while. My new home. Apart from having to come up with several hundred dollars in literally zero time and nearly ruining an important persons financial situation. The reminder of the beautiful souls I get to call friends, were right there to help me. They were there taking time out of their lives to save me and they did it without an undertone. They did it because I would do it for them. <3

So, now I am frazzled. I have my old roomie back and a full time roomie who lets me love on him every day. Half of the treasured pieces of my life are sitting in a storage unit across town. The other half is in my bedroom. This place is beautiful and what's more, my neighbors are kind. I feel safe here and I am close to the important people I work with. I feel my world has definitely been taken on a whirl and I am trying to start and end each day on my positive foot. -Easier said than done.

Chapter Two:
I have come from hating myself and the world circulating around me, to literally saying "f-it" and started being who I am, to reaching the next turn stone in life. I had shitty cards and I held onto them for so very long and was liberated when I dropped them. When I say drop, I actually threw them. This hopefully makes sense explained and I hope I connect with at least ONE of my readers. I have related to myself as a crow for the last year. Google "crow meaning" and nearly everything you read will tell you they symbolize death. They are in all the creepy T.V. shows and movies because they are quite creepy in reality. When you think about it, since the old Annie doesn't exist anymore a crow is quite appropriate. I died. Not literally but a persona of me did and she will never be back. During the time of my stripped world, I frequently saw crows. There seemed to be an abnormal amount flying around and walking near me in the grass, or maybe for once I started observing my world a little more. Either way, I sat and stared at one and all of a sudden it made sense. "Bye Felicia".
Other symbols
  • Life magic; mystery of creation
  • Destiny, personal transformation, alchemy
  • Intelligence
  • Higher perspective
  • Being fearless, audacious
  • Flexibility, adaptability
  • Trickster, manipulative, mischievous

Crows don't seem too creepy anymore, huh? Now, I feel as though I am approaching the next level in my transformation. For a while now, I have felt that the next level was me having a rebirth and turning into this new person who was happy, and had it all etc, etc. Let's be real, who is happy and has it all? No one. You're happy, but no, you don't have it all. I am the queen of overthinking and I was over processing the steps I needed to take in order to get to the next stage of my transformation. What I realize now is that it's day to day. There is no reason to rush success. Success comes from dedication and believing in oneself. What you think you become. You attract what you act. I want to become someone who wakes up happy more than 40% of the time. I want to be someone who can readjust to changes in my life because I know where I have come from and what I did to overcome my past. I desire to rise up from these burned ashes like a phoenix. I desire to be that person who has an obstacle coming her way, or someone tries to pull me into their hell and it wont affect me. Pull me down, degrade me, say and do what you want but you'll watch me rise above myself because I know who I am and I know what my power can do.

I struggle with mental illness and have severe anxiety. That is a battle I fight with myself. The inner me degrades me and tells me I am no good. She is the one that holds me back from living. I have started meditating in private. Even just taking several deep breaths and I find myself back on the ground and ready to fight that voice in my head. I have realized you really do become the part of you that you feed into the most. If I give into my anxiety and the thoughts that swarm my head I will go nowhere. But, if I feed into my strength and my power I will become that. All in all I am still in my ashes stage and gathering the pieces needed to start rising. That's a hard thing to admit but I have made progress that would make my 'haters' crawl back into their own hell.

Chapter Three:
To forgive or not to forgive. Who deserves it and who doesn't? If there is anything I am worth preaching about it's forgiving others. When I do things to mess up it affects me so deeply and any hurt I cause another is something I always want to be forgiven for. Sometimes I don't deserve it but I believe every soul should be forgiven. Always. It may take time. Years even but it will come. When it's time for me to forgive, I need to process every single piece of what happened and find reasoning to believe I can forgive and truly move on. I said before that I wished to forgive one person who has been standing right in front of my mind. I thought in order to forgive I needed to go to him and talk. To let him see what happened to me. Let him see the damage and the pain and then say "I forgive you". It's been said over and over again that forgiveness is ONLY for YOU! You can only forgive once you have faced the issue. You understand what happened and you understand the other person. I can't hate anymore. I just don't have that fight in me. I was angry for so many years. I was scared to move on. Now every time I think about it I just feel sad. I feel sad because I am restricting myself from my life that is really honestly amazing. I am sad because I am still holding onto that memory. My boyfriend wants to be my husband and I keep breaking myself down. I don't need to go to him and I don't need him to see the damage he helped build inside of me. I need him to see mercy. I write this with tears welled in my eyes and I say this with pure love and honesty. What you did was terrible. What you did was frightening and I don't believe you are that person anymore. Thank you for never facing me. Thank you for helping me become a fighter. I will never be in that hell again. I forgive you because I want to free you from this hold. I am leaving you and the memory with the burned pieces of my past. I am free.