Saturday, November 26, 2016


This week I dug into some old personal journal entries and some books that I filled with my feelings back in like 2007 when I was at my peak of depression. As the years have gone by I have dipped into those books and kind of skimmed through them but never really actually re-read anything. Since starting my journey I have felt this huge weight and couldn't figure out what it could be. And then I remembered my books.

I have a spare room in my apartment and have successfully turned it into what I wanted to be an office into a clutter of all of my garbage. Like, a corner of the room makes sense as it is pretty organized although the rest has like my laundry I never put away, a recliner, and a random mini dresser...anyway, don't judge me, I know you all have one of those rooms. I grabbed a book and sat in my recliner and began reading. So. much. darkness. So. much. hate. Reading what it was that was holding me back from any sort of happiness was really hard to do. I plugged in my paper shredder and shred that first page and no exaggeration a weight was removed. With each page I read, I shredded it. And had "no ragrets" -not even a letter. LOL. <-- brownie points if you know the movie!

I found a few journal entries that I talked about Him and how saddened I was that not only was it affecting me as a 15 year old, but I seemed to be most upset that I had lost my friend. My whole world was invaded and all I really talked about was that I was the bad guy, and I couldn't have my friend anymore. We are friends today but not like we used to be and that still makes me sad. As I read through everything, I still feel those effects today. I still feel like the bad guy and I still miss my friend but this journey of self redemption is more important to me than you'll ever know. So I shredded those pages. I took a deep breath and thought I would cry but instead, I smiled. I felt free.

Out of 3 completely full binders of handwritten emotions I kept O N E page. A page I wrote in creative writing. -Out of all of my school courses, I N E V E R missed a creative writing class or assignment- We were to write a characteristic stanza poem and what I wrote is something that I am trying to realize I AM. It's a poem that even as a depressed, suicidal teen, I tried to tell myself long ago. Now, I want to share it with you in hopes that maybe YOU can tell yourself that..

I am?
I am powerful and strong!
I wonder why stars don't sleep at night.
I hear silence in the world
I see heaven through the sky
I want to be safe and free
I am powerful and strong!

I pretend that I am one with the world
I feel gifted to do anything I want
I touch the hearts of people
I worry I won't make the gates of heaven
I cry for the innocent people suffering
I am powerful and strong!

I understand how life and death works
I say we are all strong enough
I dream to be accepted and fit in
I try to have my color and stand out
I hope for one day I get to see my friend in heaven
I am powerful and strong!

My load feels lighter. My heart feels lighter. My life feels lighter. I feel lighter. That part of my life is gone. I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. Hell, I'm not the same girl I was three months ago. When you decide to take control of YOUR life and choose what matters most to you not just in that moment, but what will benefit you and your health down the line, it's amazing what you can do. A cleanse was needed, and I loved how I felt as each page was disintegrated from my life. I don't live there anymore. I live here, in the present, with my family who wants nothing more than to see me soar, friends who love me and a boyfriend who adores me. I think I might actually like myself.. and that's all thanks to positive support and positive outlook. 

I am powerful and strong. And so are you.


Friday, November 18, 2016

Self Image

I want you to take a long look at this second photo. How many of you have ever been called one of these names in a negative way? Which word stands out the most to you, or which one do you relate to most? These are things that I have been called all of my life. Some a little more harshly than others and before I knew it, these things became a part of me. Every time you said "we don't need that hoe" in my head I agreed with you and didn't even want myself. Today, I stripped everything down for you and exposed how I feel about myself. Exposing to you what I have allowed to effect me so deeply. I have spent so much of my life ashamed of my past, ashamed and I crucified myself. 

  • Whore
  • Annoying
  • Slut
  • Depressing
  • Ugly
  • Hoe
  • Failure
  • Helpless
  • Suicidal
  • Disgusting
  • Worthless
  • Selfish
  • Immeasurable
  • Garbage
  • Good For Nothing
  • Unloving
  • Trash
  • Bitch
  • Judgmental
  • Dirt
  • Broken
  • Stupid
  • Fat
Looking at all of the words that I chose to show you it saddens me that we ALL tear each other down. We ALL feel this way deep down and maybe if we call someone else a "slut" we'll feel better. I feel repulsive, how could anyone love someone with all of these ugly attributes? And how could anyone love someone who has let all of these things become a part of me, or allowed someone else to feel in return? This is not me. And this is not you.

In This Moment has a song named "whore" and I recommend you go listen. "I am the dirt you created. I am your sinner I am your whore." Someone once told you you would never amount to anything and that you were absolute shit. You were worthless and would never find someone to love you. That you were trash and a slut. Whatever it was that made you feel so deeply IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE. These things do not make me who I am today. What I choose to do about them makes me who I am today. I will never get anywhere in life carrying these around. I will never love the right way because thoughts of "no one loves a judgmental, unloving, good for nothing bitch." That sounds a little out there but I know there is at least one person reading this that is thinking "true". 

This starts with you. What are you tired of? What do you want to change? The first realization is that all of the hard times in my life were blessings in disguise. I don't practice any religion but I do believe in God and I believe that he had a plan for the best me....and this is not it. I can mend my ways and let go of these things that you say to me. I can turn this into something powerful and liberating, and that's what I did today. Looking at a picture of me in my bra and underwear and saying "she's fat" well, I already know that, obviously...I wrote it in large letters on my fat stomach. :) There is nothing that anyone can say about me that I have not already been called or have not already thought about myself. And now, there is nothing you can say that will hurt me.


Goodbye to the Annie that let everything get to her. That couldn't move on because she wasn't good enough to have the best life and someone to love her. Goodbye to all of the negative things you called me or said that I was. This is not me. This will never be me. I am so much more and I can't wait to show you that! 

Thank you for your continued support and love. One day I'll get there too.