I want you to take a long look at this second photo. How many of you have ever been called one of these names in a negative way? Which word stands out the most to you, or which one do you relate to most? These are things that I have been called all of my life. Some a little more harshly than others and before I knew it, these things became a part of me. Every time you said "we don't need that hoe" in my head I agreed with you and didn't even want myself. Today, I stripped everything down for you and exposed how I feel about myself. Exposing to you what I have allowed to effect me so deeply. I have spent so much of my life ashamed of my past, ashamed and I crucified myself.
- Good For Nothing
Looking at all of the words that I chose to show you it saddens me that we ALL tear each other down. We ALL feel this way deep down and maybe if we call someone else a "slut" we'll feel better. I feel repulsive, how could anyone love someone with all of these ugly attributes? And how could anyone love someone who has let all of these things become a part of me, or allowed someone else to feel in return? This is not me. And this is not you.
In This Moment has a song named "whore" and I recommend you go listen. "I am the dirt you created. I am your sinner I am your whore." Someone once told you you would never amount to anything and that you were absolute shit. You were worthless and would never find someone to love you. That you were trash and a slut. Whatever it was that made you feel so deeply IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE. These things do not make me who I am today. What I choose to do about them makes me who I am today. I will never get anywhere in life carrying these around. I will never love the right way because thoughts of "no one loves a judgmental, unloving, good for nothing bitch." That sounds a little out there but I know there is at least one person reading this that is thinking "true".
This starts with you. What are you tired of? What do you want to change? The first realization is that all of the hard times in my life were blessings in disguise. I don't practice any religion but I do believe in God and I believe that he had a plan for the best me....and this is not it. I can mend my ways and let go of these things that you say to me. I can turn this into something powerful and liberating, and that's what I did today. Looking at a picture of me in my bra and underwear and saying "she's fat" well, I already know that, obviously...I wrote it in large letters on my fat stomach. :) There is nothing that anyone can say about me that I have not already been called or have not already thought about myself. And now, there is nothing you can say that will hurt me.
Goodbye to the Annie that let everything get to her. That couldn't move on because she wasn't good enough to have the best life and someone to love her. Goodbye to all of the negative things you called me or said that I was. This is not me. This will never be me. I am so much more and I can't wait to show you that!
Thank you for your continued support and love. One day I'll get there too.