Chapter 7. A little bit of everything.

Primary Children's has a program every Wednesday afternoon just for NICU parents. We sit around a conference table and tell our stories, eat lunch and listen to a speaker. It's their way of getting us out of the NICU to eat and engage with other parents for an hour. I have social anxiety and sweat whenever I have to talk to people I don't know well but I still went.

There were many different stories parents were sharing. Some babies were born at 23 weeks and all they were waiting for was to gain weight so they could go home. Others had diagnosis' that needed surgery like my Leila. When it was my turn I talked really fast and stared at the table. I didn't say much about her except that surgery would be soon -it was the next day. I've been to nearly all of them since we've been here and I've become social friends with a few parents. For me, even though what Leila has had to fight for I am so grateful it's not as bad as some of the other babies in here. Those parents are so strong and they are that way for their kidlet.

We stayed on the ventilator for about 4 more weeks. Things happen really fast here in the NICU and one day I was told they wanted to get onto a smaller ventilator by the weekend because she was managing so well on the jet being on the lowest settings. Two days later, I walk into a new ventilator that I was able to hold her on. Of course, with my luck it was Janet. She says "I make shit happen". She said they would monitor her and see how she would tolerate the new ventilator and then later I could hold her. Within the next four hours there I was sitting in a chair being passed my tiniest baby. (that's a separate post.) Since LeiLani was doing so well on the new ventilator they got rid of the jet for good and she was moved into a room where two babies share one nurse. It was super overwhelming and it really depressed me to be in there but it just meant she was doing so good she didn't need so much attention and that she was closer to going home.

Her recovery has been a lesson in strength. For her, she doesn't even know how drastically different her life is from other children. She thinks it's normal to be hooked up to machines, hearing the beeps from monitors around her. This is her life and it's her normal. Beth pointed that out to me and it gutted my mommy heart. I hadn't even looked at it like that. So many times I find myself sucking up all of the pitty in our situation because it has been so hard on me and it has been so hard on Kyle. But in the end LeiLani is in the hospital. It's LeiLani who is being poked and living in the hospital. It is LeiLani who is recognized by the state of Utah as institutionalized because she is essentially living here. In the end, it is her that deserves the pitty not us or anyone else. Despite her hard start to this life she smiles every morning I get to the hospital to sing my made up happy morning song. She stares at me like I am her God. She won't look at anyone else if she knows I am near I have to hide ha ha. She keeps me strong. She reminds me that it doesn't matter what you have to trail through in this life you just need to smile and love. She is my everything.

I have loved just about every single nurse I have come to know here. But, it's not all sunshine. I try to focus everyday to be nice to everybody even when they don't deserve it. It's sad I have to be that way but I have gone from a very unkind person to someone who try's to understand everyone and be kind. That doesn't mean I don't lose my shit though. There was one specific nurse I will never forget for the worst and I hate that. My personality walled with her and I wanted to push her out of the window. I was stuck with her for two nights and even though I hated her, she was good with Leila which made me hate her more. I did get to complain about her to Amy and that made me feel better.

When you first get into the NICU, here at least, you think it's going to be forever. There is thick fog and you don't see the milestones you'll see your child reach and you think that "home" is imaginative. I had a few days during this that I worried she'd do good and then take steps back and even feared her life. It makes me panic when I hear her sound groggy because I think she's suffocating. I know that no one would ever let her aspirate on her secretions and I always apologized when I would overload my concerns about her needing to be suctioned again and again. Extubation was really sad to watch but I was more filled with happiness that one, I could hear my daughter cry and two, that she would no longer need suctioning. All of a sudden I think, wow, every week there was less and less at her bedside and now, there is almost nothing. We took away ventilation, we extubated her, she got her strips off her incision and we took out her IV. She isn't on nutrients and the drip machine is gone. She is off of sedation meds and they took away her reflux medication. We have eight days left of Morphine and she's learning to bottle feed so she'll get her feeding tube out. This is how I have confirmed her care is extraordinary. She survived CDH and has overcome her trials with such a fighters attitude. I am glad I have a feisty daughter. Proud even. She won't be taking any of your shit.

To hear LeiLani could be going home in the next week and a half is overwhelming on a lot of levels. I have a new environment to get her used to and I have responsibilities I didn't have before. BUT I get my baby, Kyle gets his baby and we get to be a family together instead of just on the weekends. I have loved the care that PCH has given my Hine and I have also loved the care I have received myself. These are the people you want surrounded by your child when they're sick. 

Chapter 6. Surgery.

The date and time of surgery was up in the air as we just took it day by day. I learned that in the past they would rush into surgery and didn't have high survival rates. The surgeons like to get the babies stable after transfer and learn more about them before going in. We learned quickly LeiLani doesn't like sudden change, doesn't like to be touched or moved and hates over stimulation. She is extremely sensitive and I am so thankful they waited with her. It was unpredictable when they would do the surgery and although I was glad they wanted to wait I was nervous if more days passed they would just have to do it anyways.

Wednesday the 19th they did rounds and a few more members from surgery came by to discuss details about the what the surgery entailed and what they planned to do for recovery. Honestly, like a lot of things, it went right over my head. For someone who isn't medically trained it's best to not use medical terms. What do I know? Anyway, they planned to do it by the weekend and had me sign consent for anesthesia and for surgery. When my mom got there she spoke to the surgeons and because she knows more about medicine than anyone I know she was able to understand what their plans were. They planned to go in on her left side and move the bowel down from her chest and place it where it was supposed to be. They would then seal it with a muscle flap and use the muscle from an area where it wouldn't be missed. A concern was that sometimes babies with CDH have smaller stomachs because nothing was growing in there. They would move the bowel down and if the stomach was too small to seal closed they would have to leave her open. Essentially wait for her stomach to stretch enough to close up. They said there were two ways to do this procedure and one was to go in normally and move down the organs. The other was to use a camera to see where everything was specifically and then move it down. The possibility of herniating in the future was higher if they used the camera. The doctor we were lucky to have didn't want to use the camera and did the procedure normal. There are still possibilities of herniating in the future but the odds aren't as great. Lastly, after surgery they would give a medicine that would make her paralyzed for 24 hours. They wanted to give LeiLani as much of a chance as possible to heal without moving around and fighting recovery. Although I understood that it was still hard to swallow. I updated my family about the surgery being later in the week and then all of a sudden it was scheduled for the next day. That's something else I learned quickly in the NICU, plans change rapidly.

The next morning I found myself awake at my usual 5am. My mom left me her keys and said she'd take the shuttle to the hospital later. I had a very nice nurse who was more than ready for this procedure. She explained to me what her part to help would be and elaborated further the plan in entirety. That is something I adore about nurses. They know how to explain things and they know how to work with families. During my own recovery I wasn't eating. I drank all the water I could get my hands on but when it was time to eat I just couldn't. A tray came around the NICU with coffee and simple breakfast food. I grabbed a muffin and a cup of black coffee and sat in my chair trying to ease my mind. I brought my Koru with me and tried to project the meaning. My mom got me a Koru green stone necklace in New Zealand and it means "new beginnings". She got it for me when I was going through my new phase into positivity a few years back -if you all remember 😏.

11am came quickly and suddenly things got really crowded and really hectic. I was told I would need to leave once they were ready to start. I had an anesthesiologist introduce himself amongst the noise asking me if I had any concerns or questions. "You put my daughter to sleep right? Sounds pretty standard" I said. The main surgeon came in with a new consent form and asked me to sign. He said he hadn't seen the other form I had signed and didn't want any risks. The room was so crowded I didn't know where I was supposed to stand. Do I stand next to Leila? Do I leave? I went over to LeiLani and gave her a kiss and for a moment before my eyes opened it was just us. Before I knew it I was backed to the door and everyone started scrubbing in and changing into bunny suits. Oh, did I mention they did this at her bedside? The door shut and I was standing outside.

Walking out of the unit felt like in the movies where they blur out the surroundings and the noises are fuzzy as you are walking. The doors opened and I was suddenly brought to reality. I walked straight into the bathrooms just right outside the unit and bawled. I texted my sisters "surgery has started and I'm in the bathroom crying." They were all at home going through their own feelings of the surgery. Laura came to pick me up and took me to lunch. It was really nice to get out of the hospital and go somewhere there was life and some normality. When I went back to the hospital it was like nothing had changed. Visually LeiLani was the same. Her skin complexion was normal, the tubes were still doing their job and she was still "sleeping". She was definitely paralyzed and my heart hurt as I thought over and over "why her?"

I didn't get to talk to the surgeon until the next day since they're always all over the hospital. He told me everything was straight forward. Her stomach capacity was moderately tight meaning they could close her but it was a little roomy in there. I was thrilled to see she was closed. They sealed the diaphragm with a muscle flap and he stitched her up in a way that when she's older you wont really notice it. I liked that and I am sure she will be grateful for that in the future. I feel better sitting next to her. Even though she can't see me and I still don't know what color her eyes are I do better sitting there. The hill of surgery was indeed an emotional mountain and we are so glad it's over, that we made it through and that we are the recovery bend.

Chapter 5. Primary nurses

I came in the next morning and was feeling a little more comfortable navigating through the NICU. I had grabbed a coffee and went to bed space 33. This is where I met Janet. Her hair was up in a high bun and bangs in her face. She spoke confidently and explained what she was doing and why she was doing them. I instantly loved her.

Wednesday's are for parent hour. She handed me a flyer and invited me to go telling me how much fun I would have meeting other parents with NICU babes. My social anxiety began to well and I really didn't want to go but felt bad denying the offer so I happily said "yeah for sure!" Why do I do that? "Even if it sucks at least you get free lunch out of it." Can't deny that truth. I went to parent hour and actually did enjoy it. It was a conference room setting and there were a few parents who also looked very unexcited to be there. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and told our NICU experience. There were a few parents who had had their babies early summer and were still in the NICU. Some who have had multiple surgeries. Some who had left and had to come back. I told my story rather quickly, I talk rapid when I'm nervous. After, I was stopped by a mom who told me her niece had the same condition as my Leila and though her story was sadder than mine, it gave me hope for Leila's future.

Throughout the day I talked to Janet about my life and got to know her fairly well. She asked if she could be a primary nurse and I was puzzled. To help keep things as consistent with cares they offer primary nurses who will work with the same babies. I agreed and she filled out the paperwork and instantly we became family. That evening during shift change I met another nurse who would soon become LeiLani's next primary. Amy is the nurse that cares about small detail. She takes the time to pick out the cutest linens in the basket that match. She puts bows in babies hair and teaches the parents how to do cares for their baby. I got to help with giving Leila a bed bath. It was extremely difficult having to navigate through the cords and tubes hooked everywhere. I was still nervous about the equipment and didn't want to bump a single thing. Later, I would learn these things weren't so scary. Amy became our primary after I had talked to Janet the next week about how much I loved her. We agreed I should talk to her when she came in that night. Amy walked in the door and Janet says "so me and Annie think you should be a primary because we love you." I'll never forget the look on Amy's face when I said "please".

Both of these ladies have become a part of my family. Beth comes to see Leila a few times a week and has gotten to know both Janet and Amy well. My mom adores them and I feel safe leaving each night knowing they are with her. Once you're accepted into my family you're there for life. Hopefully they're ready to come to parties ha ha!

Chapter 4. NICU bed 33.

I woke up early the next morning and couldn't fall back asleep. I'm talking 5am early. My mom left me her keys and I drove up to the hospital to see my girl. I checked in at the front desk and got a parent badge and an access card to get in and out of the NICU whenever I wanted. I went up to the NICU and checked in at their front desk and the nicest girl showed me where to scrub in and the room Leila was in. It smelled strongly of cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer. I had no idea how much sanitizer I was going to be accustomed to at bed 33.

I walk in and see about a half dozen medical staff in the room. This is considered "rounds" and they meet every morning every single day on every single patient. My little girl was laying in a bed with the top off...I COULD TOUCH HER. Same cords and tubes but now there was a new line in her left arm connected by several medications. I would soon learn about many medications and their purposes. I would learn about dosages and weans and the sounds her drip machine would make when it was time for more. I walked slowly to the bed afraid to touch anything or disturb the motion to take a little peek. I was greeted by a nurse with blonde hair and blue scrubs with a very welcoming smile. "Are you mom?" A very quiet and timid "yes" slipped out as I felt my anxiety at its highest. She slid up a chair and invited me to sit down next to the bed and informed me they were doing rounds and would be rounding on LeiLani soon. I still clenched my bag and sat very inside myself unable to touch my baby and just stared at everything. "You can touch her. She's very sedated but you can touch her". My hand shook as I pointed my index finger to touch her hand. When my finger met her tiny hand her toes began to spread and my heart fluttered. "She's alive" I thought. 

I've been thoughtful on the morning Zayley died and why I didn't come. I knew in the moment it wasn't a good idea while I was so deprived of sleep and didn't have it in me to drive to Ogden but it was something else. Something told me to stay home. In the moment Carrie asked if I would be coming I went to say yes and then stopped and I think I just said "I'm not sure." I've talked to my family one by one over the last year and we talk about that day and I feel unrelatable. Trying to keep a baby from dying there were tubes and closed eyes. My niece laid in her bed the same way my daughter laid in hers. They both had tubes and both eyes closed. Members of my family passed my niece around knowing she was gone but said goodbye one last time. One last squeeze. I realized in the moment I glanced at LeiLani inside this bed that's what urged me to stay home. I had to be ready for this and not traumatized by it.

The nurse, a resident, a pharmacist, surgical staff, a respiratory therapist and a nurse practitioner circled around us and all I remember were the smiles they wore on their faces. "LeiLani Jones born September 15th with a left sided DH. Unrepaired at this time working on staying stable." One by one each gave a statement in their area and plans for her. Named off her medications and the dosages per hour and what their plans were for ventilation. "She doesn't tolerate being touched and requires a higher setting on the jet." Hmm I have a child that doesn't like to be bugged? Weird. Eyes turned to me feelings of panic and sweat hung over my head from a "do you have any questions?" I said "no. Wait, yes. What does this do?" and pointed to the ventilator. I felt I needed to ask at least something but I was so overwhelmed I couldn't. All I could think was how much I wanted my mom. I knew she would ask the questions I couldn't. The nurse practitioner explained every single thing that was hooked to my girl. What they did, what they were for and how much she estimated she would be on them. I vigorously shook my head yes as I tried to retain all of this new information and adjust to the fact I was even here.

 When mom walked in the room I nearly broke down. I decided to take a step back from the bed and sat in a nearby rocking chair. A lactation consultant came by and to talk to be about breast feeding. She gave me some papers and a bag of supplies. A social worker made her way in and was extremely nice to me. She asked how I was doing before she spoke a word about LeiLani. She looked me in the eyes and asked me what she could do to help me. She asked me about financial aids and how to get the help I needed. She asked me if my questions were answered and if I needed space. She was the best face I greeted in that room. Since LeiLani was born not a single person in the world asked me how I was doing before asking about my daughter. The truth is is that everyone's first thought is how the baby is and it's not that they don't care about you it's just that they don't think about it. I never realized that until it happened to me. I met one more person that day that gave me a package with a small fuzzy blanket, an "about me" sheet for LeiLani and a few packets with hospital information.

My dad came in shortly after that, gave me a kiss on the top of my head and then with beaming eyes walked straight to LeiLani. He touched Leila's hand with his index finger just like I did. He looked up and said "wow Anne, she looks just like you. She's beautiful." My mom was off to the other side of the bed snapping as many photos as her phone could possibly hold. I had them stand over to one side to get their first photo with her and instead of looking at me they both just stared at her. It made for a really cute photo and definitely shows the love they had to keep inside those nine months. A cardiologist came in and did an echo on her. When I was pregnant I had a fetal echo and it showed a hole in between her two chambers and then a few weeks later the hole was gone. This echo was to ensure the hole was really gone and it was! A tiny doppler for a tiny chest. I stayed and talked to her nurse all day started to feel more at ease as time passed. I got more comfortable touching her and stayed until about 9pm.

 

Chapter 3 Ronald McDonald House

As I awaited getting discharged from the hospital I had gotten a referral from my doctor to stay at the Ronald McDonald house. Several years back when my niece Serina was in the hospital at PCH my brother was offered a stay at the House but unfortunately they were all full. My mom worked hard playing phone tag and making sure everything was set in stone by the time I got discharged. We gathered all of my things and away we went.

It had been a long day and we were both tired. I was wondering how LeiLani was doing and had wondered when I could go see her. My doctor from Logan had prescribed me a medication to help with my postpartum drama and getting it transferred to the pharmacy here successfully was very difficult. It finally came in and was ready and my mom was my hero as always as she fought for everything she knew I needed. We got checked in and was given a rather quick tour of the whole house and I just wanted to go to bed. Laura stopped by to give me a replacement bra since she bit the last one off of me during labor.

The house is big and is laid out like a hotel. There are four floors and a gorgeous kitchen. The first floor has the lobby and several couches to sit on. There's a giant fish tank full of large fish and each one has a name given by kids who have stayed there. Down the hall they have a gym, laundry room and a theatre room. They provide soap for laundry and have movie nights several times a week. The second floor has the kitchen and space for seating. Outside of the kitchen is set up like a living room with a fireplace and has some computers to use. The kitchen is equipped with stoves, ovens, refrigerators and cutlery. There is endless supplies of food that is donated from the Mormon food bank and other donations. Everything that goes into this place is purely from donations. It is amazing and it really is a home away from home.

They like to encourage a community based space so there are no T.V.'s in the bedrooms or food. You have free range to the whole house and I like to see families sitting together getting to know other families and their hospital stories. This place stretches to PCH so if you are there while your child is having surgery or something you can go down and get food or take a nap. Your key card that you use to get into your room is your access card to the hospital rooms as well.

During our tour I got a phone call from an unknown number and almost didn't answer because my phone was at 1% battery. I answered it anyway just in case and it was Primary Children's wanting my consent to admit LeiLani. I worried my phone would die while I was answering questions and thankfully it didn't. I missed the rest of the tour but would later explore alone. I am grateful for a place like this! A place where I can stay to be as close to my NICU babe as possible.

"The house that love built."

Chapter 2. Recovery and the transfer

After getting stitched up and having a moment to rest I was sent to recovery. I was still feeling high from labor but I am grateful they allowed me to get up and go see my daughter. Kyle wheeled me in and we were given a run down of scrubbing in, cleaning our phones and quick, strict rules. Only two people at the bedside at a time and either Kyle or I had to be present with whoever wanted to come back. We took our family back one by one so they could get a peek of our little honey inside her little box.

She was intubated right after birth and placed on a jet ventilator. Tele wires connected to her chest and abdomen to monitor her heart and respiratory rates. In her umbilical cord she had two lines in for IV's. She was encased in a bed that I referred to as the Snow White bed because I never grew up. The first time I saw her my eyes went straight to her hair and I gasped "babe her hair!" I admired her most perfect features and as my eyes traveled around seeing where all of the cords and tubes hooked up I suddenly felt heavy. I wanted to hold her and I wanted to hear her cry. We weren't allowed to touch her and I longed for when we would be able to. I've wondered why I wasn't able to go say goodbye to Zayley. What it was that urged me to stay home and get rest and I found my answer, and I will explain soon.

In our room Kyle and I were greeted by a very nice man. Dr. Yoder is phenomenal and those around him refer to him as Dr. Yoda. He came in to talk to us about a study he was a part of and during his presentation I fell asleep. He left some information papers and an agreement to sign. When I woke up I read through it, Kyle felt it would be nice to give it a shot and then we talked to my parents when they came in to see what they thought. We all agreed it was a nice idea and Kyle and I signed the form. It was a trial for a med I can't remember the name of anymore. Essentially they wanted to see if the med would help to avoid or replace ECMO. They would start the med and run it for 24 hours and then it would be over. If during the 24 hours Kyle and I decided we wanted them to stop they would stop. We had full control and I really liked that especially because so many other things were happening. They presented us with this because there was a high chance LeiLani would end up on ECMO. To be considered for the trial she had to be within a certain range of lung capacity and breathing and fell right into it. They started the med and had been running it for just a few hours and then LeiLani started to give extra breaths which is a great thing but also meant that she didn't qualify for the med any longer. About an hour later she regressed and the med was continued for the remainder of the 24 hours.

You know when you haven't gone to the gym in a while and you finally go and the whole time you're like "YEAH! I'm so fit!" Then the next day your body is dead? That's what my post labor recovery was. My legs were so sore it was hard to walk and my back and neck was incredibly stiff. I couldn't find a comfortable position on my bed and no amount of pillows aided to feeling better. I had a second degree tear that required stitching and I was so scared for my first pee. I heard horror stories about that first poop and all I kept thinking was "I just pushed a human out of my vagina I can do this". Sadly, that got me through a lot of things during recovery ha ha. I was given a stool softener every morning and night until I was discharged and that helped my life not be terrible.

Monday morning I was told I would be discharged and that LeiLani would be transferred to the Primary Children's NICU. My dad waltzed through the door and I told him if he wanted to see Leila soon he'd better hurry. We headed over to the NICU and they had already started getting her prepped for transfer. We sat outside and waited for them to come out so we could follow along. When they came out it was very intense and they communicated very clearly to each other and walked ever so slow. She was transported with the AirMed team. As we began to wheel out and the reality of everything I had been prepared for had sunken in I couldn't hold myself together. As we walked I kept thinking this isn't what I want I don't want this. I was supposed to just get pregnant and have a baby and then that was all. Go home and be a family just like so many others do. We got inside the elevators and went to the 1st floor and began maneuvering through groups of people coming in and out of the cafeteria area. I could feel all of their eyes on us and I wondered what they all must have been thinking. The University of Utah hospital and Primary Children's connect together through a sky hall to make transfers such as these as pain free as possible for both the patient and your wallet. We arrived at the NICU and were told we couldn't come back and just like that we were separated again.

 The very first photo of Princess Leila

 meeting Auntie Larissa for the first time

 Dad's first selfie. 😊

AirMed transferring my daughter to PCH. She's inside that box.

Chapter 1. Labor.

I haven't been the best at updating and sometimes I feel a lot of guilt even though I shouldn't. I am a new mother and my role comes with a lot of demanding features I wasn't expecting and some things have taken the back burner and I don't care. Anyway, this will be broken into chapters.

CHAPTER1 Labor..

I read many articles about first time mothers and what to expect. You can only prepare someone so far but ultimately, their story is theirs and will be different from what you experienced. I read a lot about how first time labors can be very simple. You go in, have the thing and then you're done. Bull. Shit. I knew I wouldn't carry to term. I played my last month day by day not making any huge plans or commitments. Work was hard and I tried to prepare as best as I could before I took leave. My last week of work I started labor.

I woke up early Monday morning and felt the rush of liquid and jolted out of bed thinking "it happened. I peed my bed." I went back into my room and couldn't find any wet spots on the bed. I woke up Kyle and said "I either peed myself or my water broke. There wasn't the smell of urine and that furthered my assumption it was my water. I texted my friend that lives across the street, as I do with all of my pregnancy concerns, asking what she thought. "Go to labor and delivery now!" Away we went.

I had a plan for delivery. It was to all be done at University of Utah hospital and not at Logan Regional. I explained my situation and asked if I would be okay to drive down I got a firm "no" and we continued my stay. I was poked about nine times trying to find a line for an IV. Two blown veins and immediate bruising we discussed the possibility of flying to SLC. More money I don't have so let's do it! My mom comes in like a bat out of Hell saying "what's going on why are you still here? Why aren't things moving along? What are you dilated at?" She wasn't pleasant with the nurses and I was extremely embarrassed. Despite the inability to find a vein they were very kind and took decent care of me. I was dilated a one and water was still in tact so they finally let me leave. So I guess I did pee myself. Fun.

We called down to the U and were instructed to stay as close to the hospital as possible in case my labor progressed quickly. Work started pulling strings to function for the coming days I'd be gone and I headed down to my sister Carrie's house in Far West. She started looking up things that help progress labor and decided I could use a walk. We walked together about 8,000 steps (I can't remember how many exactly) and I could feel my contractions come and go as we kept going. Monday night my contractions were terrible and I didn't get an ounce of sleep. I cried, I paced, and I tried to focus on my breathing. The next morning I slept roughly an hour and that was it. Carrie and Cam took me to Target so that I could get some things I'd need after delivery and the rest of the week. That evening we took a stroll through their neighborhood and I was finally tired enough to fall asleep. Again, I was up the whole night trying to cry quietly while my six year old nephew slept in the room next to me. I battled waking up my sister but my contractions were so close together I finally woke her up at about five. We drove to the hospital and by the time we got there magically my contractions stopped. I was still dilated a one and I looked like an idiot.

The next few nights were the same deal. We would call into labor and delivery and the nurse would tell us what to look for. I was spotting, had lost parts of my plug (I regret googling that) and was getting very stressed. We continued going in when contractions were consistent only to be told to go back home. Kyle came down Wednesday afternoon and consoled me as I screamed and cried everyday for the rest of the week. I was dilated a five by Thursday evening and I thought for sure I would get to stay. My contractions were consistent, LeiLani's heart rate was alarming and when the nurse came to tell me to go home I wailed "please do not send me home again". After refusing to get out of the bed to get dressed I was given a shot of Morphine and was told to take a Tylonal. Are you for real?? Cam paid for a hotel right next to the hospital and it was beautiful. I don't remember much of it but my mom said it was beautiful and I'll take her word for it. The Morphine made me sleepy and I recited my favorite parts of the Little Mermaid to my mom -which is the whole movie duh. I've never had Morphine before but apparently I spoke like a sloth.

I didn't make it through the first night not even to 3am. My mom took me in and this time we weren't leaving but we did and I was given a higher dose of Morphine while still dilated a five. That morning I slept for a few hours and woke up unable to move nor lay still it was miserable. I was crying out and began feeling nauseous so again we went back in. By the grace of God I was dilated a six and under the state of Utah apparently that's when you get admitted. I looked at Kyle and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I eagerly awaited for the charge nurse to come in. Kyle began updating our families and the nurse came in to tell us "Okay, you can be admitted but we don't have available rooms in labor and delivery". I said "are you fucking kidding me?" Kyle told my mom and she said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. A lovely nurse came in and said she would be putting my line in for an IV and I began to panic inside. She looked at my arms and said some choice things about Logan Regional that made me cry laugh. FIRST try she got it in and I was later wheeled into admission.

The adventure with my epidural was just that, an adventure. I worried my whole pregnancy about the epidural and swung back and forth debating whether or not I would get one. Turns out some of us have more bone and I am one of those people haha. Once it worked I was on cloud nine and as my contractions continued I slept. The time after that seemed to speed by and before I knew it she would be here.

I was surrounded by Kyle and his parents, my sisters Beth and Laura and my mom. Kyle's parents got a full dose of my family uncensored and I worried slightly they would not enjoy it. I say that because Laura literally bit off my bra in front of everyone because I was itching. She's a loving sister really. A few jokes and laughs later it was time to push out my rainbow. The doctor on call was amazing as she coached me through breathing and pushing. I was taken to the O.R. and an hour later LeiLani was here. There was a slight cry and then silence then she was placed on my stomach. Kyle cut the cord and made a joke about a garden hose and she was passed through the NICU window and that was my crash course into motherhood.