Friday, September 30, 2016

Positive Changes

*Before you read this, especially my family, I’m making a life change. I am expressing a lot of harbored shit that I am finally ready to let go of. This is a very emotional post, but I have to do this. This is not a pity party. This is not to say how terrible I’ve had it in life. I’m rising above all of the negative aspects of my life and turning it into positive motivation for a brighter future. I was real. And I want you to be supportive on this journey. *

Have you ever done something that made you wake up? I mean really wake up. About a month or so ago I was at my sister’s house hanging out and playing with my cutest Caden. I used her bathroom and without even thinking, I used her scale – I know bad idea. I cried. I was so disgusted as I looked at where the arrow was pointing…sick. Through the tears my entire life changed. Seriously. So, with that you’re about to go into my first month of life changes and where the hell I’m even heading.
For over a year my finger friend Jae has been encouraging me to go to the gym. Mostly because you need buddies for that kind of stuff and she wanted me to be her buddy. Since I’m already her “person” I should be her buddy too, right? Anyway, I basically told her “no” like every day... and I couldn’t even lie most days and say “I have to work” ‘cuz like she was my boss haha. She even called it the ice cream shop, still didn’t go. Before I knew it, I reached my heaviest weight. Usually when you let your weight go, you’re not really letting it go on purpose, most of the time you don’t realize that its even happening. After seeing the scale, I got a fire in me. I started doing yoga, and I started going to the gym. Hell, I’ve even been working out on graves. I’ve changed my eating habits and completely 180’d my life!
Then I thought, It's kind of dumb of me to just exercise and lose the weight. Anyone can do that. I want to make more than a change. I want to completely turn my whole view on life around and see things at a more positive angle. I want to be happy. So, I've been uncomfortably trying to get myself to address certain things in my life that have been weighing me down for many many years. and this is something that if you want to follow my blog still after reading this, is going to be pretty life changing for you too hopefully.
I’ve never had good self-esteem. Ever. I have 3 BEAUTIFUL sisters and they each have their own “thing” like not a nickname but more of a feature. Beth is the pretty one, Laura is the funny one, Carrie is the smart one and I was always told “and Anne’s just….Anne.” I never measure up to my sisters and that’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I just want to be one of them, I always went to extremes to get them to tell me “Annie you look so beautiful”! or “Annie you’re perfect the way you are”. It sounds super corny and maybe even a little petty, but it’s something I rarely hear. Instead, I get swept aside because my hair is out of place, my brows don’t match, my clothes are too tight, my boyfriend is too ugly. So I just accepted that I will never be like them and it would be okay, because I liked me, and there are people who thought I was cool. Now that we are all older it’s gotten easier. They’re more supportive of me and they finally like who I’m dating (who doesn’t) and it’s gotten easier to brush “Annie, go put makeup on, you look ugly” aside, but there’s still damage.
 I didn’t want to start going to the gym and just lose the weight. I wanted to change my life. I’m not happy, even though I said I liked myself I really didn’t. I wanted to but I couldn’t, what’s to like? I carry a lot of baggage and I feel dirty. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. In order to change my life, I have to relive certain things, even the ugly ones. I have to forgive those who have wronged me. I have to forgive myself for why I held onto such things, like spending so much of my life trying to be like my sisters instead of just being me. If you’ve been following my blog prior to this post then you know a really big non-secret I’ve been harboring for many years. I’ve been told “just get over it already” and that makes me so mad, like, uncontrollably mad. How are you supposed to just get over something like that? I carry a lot of hatred for him…even for his wife...who had nothing to do with it. But I realized something. While I am sitting here drowning in solitude he is living his life. He’s married, he has kids, he owns a home and has animals and a car and a job. He has a LIFE. And what do I have? Grudges. Anger. Hatred. Nightmares. 
I need to let this go. 
I have to let this go.
For a few years now I’ve listened to the metal band, In This Moment. If you know who they are, you know what I’m getting at. If you don’t, keep reading. Yes, aside from having kick ass songs from a beautiful melodic queen (seriously) they have a goal. Positivity. How many metal bands can you name that dedicate EVERY song to be an uplifting lyric? Super quick back story to the singer. Names Maria Brink. She was raped by her step father for years, lost her mother to drugs for a while, had a kid at age 15, dropped out of school, list goes on. Anyway, SHE stayed positive, even when she wanted to kill herself she knew the pain couldn’t last forever. She rebuilt herself and is helping others do the same through her music. She forgave and to be able to do that is so inspiring to me. How many nights she must have prayed for guidance, for peace. She is so humble and I absolutely LOVE her!!
I was asked a few days ago that if I feel the need to forgive him, why haven’t I done that yet. And the answer is simple. I can’t forgive until I have started to heal. And I cannot heal until I start working on myself. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and say at least 5 positive things and mean it. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling shame. I want to go to sleep at night and have dreams about unicorns and zombies, instead of re-dreaming that night. Literally, over and over again. This is a transition of complete change and that is something that cannot happen if I want to do it the correct way, and especially overnight.
I have to say, my sweet Kyle has been so amazing and so very patient. Every day he lifts me up, makes me laugh, makes me love. He gets me. He knows this is hard for me. I want to be able to not let so many things impact me so deeply and I want to be someone that I am proud of for a change. So if you are still reading (I hope you are) please follow my journey of positive change…because this is something you won’t want to miss. 
I promise.