Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Christmas Spirit

Every year I try to get into the Christmas spirit; and every year I can't. But, that's not really what this post is about. No, this post is a reminder that not everyone can mentally celebrate Christmas. What?

Christmas lights are probably my favorite thing about the whole season. Unfortunately, it should be family and friends right and like presents and stuff? Nope, it's the lights. It's been that way since I was a small child. Every year we would go out and find the best house with the most things in their displays and the houses that didn't have lights I honestly thought very poorly of them. "Why are there no lights on your house"? "Are you too lazy to go out and buy lights and put them up"? These are serious thoughts that I know don't only run through my head. But, then it all made sense.

2015 sucked balls. For me. For you. For everyone. I know I'm not supposed to get over it so soon but I literally have absolutely NO motivation for anything. Life. Work. Going out. So, I'm still depressed and stuff I suppose. Anyway...if I had a house to wouldn't be decorated and let me tell you why. I have no desire to celebrate a holiday I don't get to spend with the people I usually spent it with. I have no desire to make sure you are happy when you drive past my lighted house when I can't even make myself happy. Holidays are the hardest they say and they aren't lying. If only we could hibernate until spring when all of this holiday depression is over. 

I literally just had this thought the other day when I was helping my Momma Jodi clean out the bedroom in which will become mine in a few days. I realized that I'm not the only one who is struggling to get through this holiday and I must pat myself on the back because we did so good cleaning out that room and going through Papa's boxes without any tears. Everyday we get closer. 

So, wrapping this up because I swear this had a purpose...when you do drive by's to see lights and you come across one with no lights and maybe even the lights inside are off they are probably in the same boat as me. It's not because they are a Scrooge or because they are lazy. It's because it is mentally too much for them to handle and I'm going to put something on every door I see without lights. 

**side note..some people really are just Scrooges and lazy. But, don't jump the gun unless you know for sure. Be happy, be supportive, and give love.**

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


I never admit when things are my fault. I never admit I'm struggling. I never ask for help unless I know it's not something that won't put someone out. I always wait until it's too late. But, I will surrender and admit that I am depressed.

Please don't judge me as I word vomit through this..

What do you think of when you hear the word "depression"?

  • Lost interest
  • Being sad
  • Being angry
  • Hiding
  • Being scared
  • Anxiety
  • Crying for no reason
  • Tired
  • Insomnia
  • Drinking in the morning
I checked off all of these unfortunately, and I am currently drunk. *have you noticed every blog post is when I'm drunk??  <---that's where my best writing comes from. No filter.* I don't wake up every morning hating my life. Although some days I do. I don't wake up every morning and cry. Although some days I do. The other day I was genuinely happy as I got to see my favorite friends and in a split second my chest started hurting and I wanted to cry/hide/end the day and then after a few deep breaths I was able to continue enjoying my night. This year has literally been one to test my strength. In April I lost my soulmate and very best friend. Then, exactly 6 months and a few days later, I lost a man I considered a second father. THEN last weekend my dad lost his cousin. So, I have every reason to be depressed It's just recognizing it that is the rough part. Is it possible for depression to just come and go? Or does it come and just stay? Am I actually depressed?

I talked to my bestest friend Jaelise (I'll call her out because she is my wisest friend). I said, "I think I'm depressed" and that I thought I might have been depressed already but hadn't recognized it until this last weekend after my family lost Reta. She replied "What made you realize it"? So I explained pretty much the same things that I have addressed above and this is why she is my wisest friend. "I think it's 'situation depression'" ever heard of that? Me neither. Situation depression is where your circumstances make you feel depressed overall but you can still feel happy.  She hit the target, huh? That's why she's my finger friend (;

I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I have to be "tested" to see how "strong" I am. I learned in church that God tests you on earth so you see what you're capable of for the next life. So, I have to think...what the fuck am I going to be dealing with in this "next life"?  I know that I am a warrior, and a fighter, and will fucking push through any obstacle I can to get to where I will be happy. But, do you ever get the happy place? You push and push and push through your struggles and then you begin to hit a point in all of it where you feel happy/content. But thats not even your "happiest" you can always be happier right? So does god give you all of these bullshit problems so that you can learn that you can be happier? Either way, it's something that I clearly do not understand and right now I don't want to care. Depression talking?

I guess I'm part of the percentage that just doesn't take death very well. I might delete this so I hope you read fast. When I made this blog I wanted to show you all my life which is so fucking insane that I need a T.V. show sometimes. But, as I continue to tell stories of my life, it is much crazier than I ever thought. Kudos to those who have stayed in my life and continue to love me even though my life isn't what it should be. Although neither is yours...and that is why we are friends (:

Today I went and saw Bubba before a meeting I had today. All that I asked him to send me some good vibes for today and that I loved him. While I was there the sun came out. I don't know how much of the afterlife you believe in...but I believe that my Bubba is somewhere special. Somewhere magical. Whether it's heaven or somewhere else...I know he's safe and that makes me feel better.

I always start blogs and then I don't know how to close them so I just keep typing until I think of a way to close my "thoughts" or "word vomit" whatever. All I can think of is...I am human. I admitted something that I never would. Especially publicly but I did. All I ask is that you are patient with people who are going through depression. Whichever stage of depression they are going through is scary for them and they need you even though they don't tell you. Just be there. I don't even make people talk to me their presence and love is enough to get me past my negative life thoughts.

The End.

Friday, August 21, 2015

When does it get easier?

I mean, the title says it all. When does it get easier? Or even better...I'd settle for better. Just one day where I can not think about him, or watch a movie where someone dies and have to turn it off. Tell me, when does it get easier??

!!Spoiler Alert!! 

Ever seen the movie "If I Stay"? If you have not then stop reading and go watch it. Cry. Then continue reading. As you know I recently lost my very best friend Bubba. So, since it has only been 4 months I cannot watch anything where anyone close dies, has cancer...just basically anything drama related. Cannot. Handle. It. Anyway, I get on Netflix and my first instinct is to turn on "That 70's Show" because I'm re-rewatching it but then because I'm a rebel I say "What's new to Netflix"? On the trending now I see a movie called "If I Stay" and look at the synopsis and think...hmm tragedy you say? I'm a little obsessed with that so I turn it on. I thought that I was in the clear because it was also labeled children and family but I guess it doesn't matter when it comes to death.

Let me tell you what I got from the movie...

It starts out as this family who the parents were "moshers" the dad was in a band and they had 2 kids. And the daughter was more into classical music and played the cello. Then she meets this boy at school and he's in a band and starts dating her and it's really sweet. Then, the girl's family is driving (it's winter) and an oncoming truck hits some black ice I assume..It wasn't really specific, and the mom dies at the scene and the dad dies on the operating table. Right after the accident it shows the girl having an out of body experience and is watching her best friend hold hands with her grandparents as they are praying for her to come out alive. Right there is where I turned it off. So, maybe I didn't ruin it all for you as I am sure so many other things happen.

I started to tear up and you know the kind of cry where you feel it coming and you say "na, it'll pass" and so you kind of place pressure so that no tears escape and then it starts to you just let it go? I turned off the movie and finally just let myself sob. After, I felt so mad at myself.. Like, "how could you let that bother you"? Which brings me to my initial question...When does it get easier?

Bubba is not the only loved one that I have lost. I have lost a few really really close friends/family and I have gone through the grieving steps and have found a light at the tunnel at the end. I still have my moments with them but I can honestly say that I have not experienced this kind of grief before. Perhaps that is just experiencing the steps in a different order..or maybe there was a different kind of lost feeling than I had with the other loved ones..or even maybe now I'm old enough now to understand death and understand what I'm feeling everyday.. Yeah, definitely the last one. Maybe the first one too.

I have had the opportunity to have venting time with some good friends these past few days and hearing their stories of lost loved ones helped me realize..we are all swimming in the same pot. Doesn't matter how long it's been since you lost someone, just today, 4 months ago or 10 years just doesn't matter. We simply just pull ourselves together every morning and put on the "I'm ok" face and go about our day. Certain things will always trigger an emotion whether it's a smell, a song, or a memory and you just cry to yourself in private and then put that face back on. I believe that it doesn't get easier. I believe that you miss them the same today as you did the day they went away. It just depends on how you want to handle it.

*****I did finish the movie*****
More people die and my wounds are too fresh to ever recover after watching that movie. If you want a good cry..there ya are.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

My Sweet Bubba.

As most or all of you know, I lost my other half April 1st. That was 3 months ago. WOW!!! I know that Bubba was a friend or even "best" friends with you...but I am going to tell you why he was MY best friend.

I could write you a list as long as this blog will allow, I could also tell you a million stories. To some, a thousand stories would be just OK. (: Instead I will share my favorites. 

Bubba and I met at the Swagers house, a family friend. Jodi was kind of the neighborhood mom..she still kind of is...just from a distance now. We did lots of things together as a group. Mostly setting random shit on fire, sitting on the roof to stargaze and creating friendships to last a lifetime. Bubba held me in the basement one day as we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up...and then Hellogoodbye's "Here In Your Arms" came on his ipod (that should set a general date) and he lifted my chin and kissed me. And yes, I was super awkward about it. He told me I was adorable and then took me home. 

We used to go to Ridley's in Hyrum and get sodas. All of us. But one day, it was just me and Bubba...since we kissed we kinda became one person, always together. Anyway, we got our drinks and he walked over to the quarter machine and said "because your favorite color is green, I am going to win you this green necklace". I laughed because there were like 6 different colors in there but sure enough 50 cents later and I had a green necklace. He put it on me and I told him I'd never take it off. We got to the car and I took it was magnetic and kept pulling my hair. I still have that necklace, and it sits right by my favorite picture of us.

My sister got married in 2010 and Bubba was my date. No one really knew Bubba very well but I knew he'd fit right in so I took him as my date. He got there and when my sister Laura saw him she says "wait, YOU'RE Bubba??" Bubba says, "yeah, you're Laura right?" she says, "Oh my God, I thought you would be like WAY black. But you're not" My sister Carrie, the one who just got married, snaps "Laura!" and Bubba just laughed. Carrie probably apologized 30+ times. But Laura was Bub's favorite after that.

My mom decided one day that she wanted to repaint (for the 3rd time that summer) the office room. So, she recruited Bubba and myself. So, we start painting I got paint ALL OVER myself! So, then I painted his butt and then we both decided 30 min in that we both hate painting and wanted to play outside instead. So, we go outside and there's like a thousand ants on my moms front step. So, Bubba grabs my dad's gas can and says "feeling murderous with me love?" to which I pull out a lighter...we were ALWAYS on the same page. Long story short...we almost lit the whole porch on fire, and we killed a lot of ants. HAHA 

My mom had breast cancer a few years back and I remember I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. No one deserved to send flowers or they're pitty upon my family. I was 14, a brat, and I had just lost 2 best friends within a 4 year span. I pushed Bubba away one day and he came to my house, and knocked on my bedroom door until I opened it. Once I did I just remember two big arms surround me and I fell to the ground and sobbed. He held me for what felt like an hour. He literally gave the BEST hugs! I miss those the most. Then, while my whole family dealt with my moms chemo and even my Aunt Larni flying in from Australia Bubba was there 24/7 making sure my mom had everything she needed...if she needed help with getting things. He was perfect. He was really good at making everyone feel stress free. 

For my birthday one year Bubba went out and bought me purple Converse shoes and him orange ones. Then, he switched the laces so I opened my box and there were purple shoes with orange laces and his were purple. Then, we played video games and hung out with friends. 

 I could go on forever but those are the ones that came to mind tonight. Now, Bubba and I dated on and off for over 8 years. Every time that it didn't work out we didn't even talk about it. Like I said, we were just always on the same page and continued being each others favorite friend. He was and is literally my whole soul. We connected on day one before we even spoke to each other. I hope that each of you reading this gets to feel that someday. I always thought it was a myth but my God, it's for real and it is so scary. After Bubba's cancer, he became very depressed. So much that he even pushed me away and there was nothing that I could do about it. Then, one day, he found his way back to me and it was almost as if he had never left. But that was probably the worst year without him. He kept me updated about the trials of his last days and I spent every single day with him and most of the time it was just watching him sleep while we watched Archer with the caption on. We have a bucket list with 2 things crossed off. The next item was to see Bo Burnham live, and then go to Kansas to stay with Aunt Lisa. The thing that tears me apart from the inside out is that I didn't get a "Bubba" hug before he left me. 

If you're wondering, I admit to avoiding this altogether. I literally couldn't even cry in private. I just didn't want to deal with it. I felt sad everyday, I missed him everyday, but it was different. People around me cried at the drop of a hat. But I didn't. I have been in shock for a long time. I suppose it has all been building up inside because today I woke up and went to text him and the message couldn't be sent and then I was like, "oh my God" crawled out of bed and threw up. Then, I cried every 15 minutes and then threw up again. So, I'm guessing I'm not in shock anymore. Around 3pm I felt a rage I haven't felt in a long time. I threw things and broke a few things and screamed his name a couple times. And the worst part was that all I wanted to do was call him and talk to him about it. My soul is missing...and lately I haven't been feeling  like myself at all. I have anxiety when I'm asked to attend social events, or hangouts. It literally takes all I have to say "yes", and leave my house. I have a new love and quite possibly ruined it because with all of this built up emotion I started letting it out this weekend and welp...the rest is probably history.

I am so grateful to first, Bubba's Grandma Jane, who I hope is reading this...I love you so much. Bubba loved you so much. And I want to thank you for every phone call, private message, letting me build a garden with you and G, and making me laugh until we both snort. You are the best new friend I could ever ask for and I know he is just over the moon that we are keeping in touch. You were going to be my Grandma someday and now you kinda are. Grandma let a few of us go through Bubba's room and keep things that meant the most to us. If I had my way, I would have kept it all...but, like I said earlier...some of you were his best friend too. (; the things that I did keep are my favorite things...I got to keep his orange pair of Converse with the purple laces. I will always do my very best to keep him alive inside of me. We really were soulmates and I feel him next to me every day. I just have to get passed the crying every 15 minutes. 

One more story before I go, 
Back in March this year I took Bubba to Wal-Mart so that he could get some stuff. I tend to drag my feet at times and because Bubba had gone deaf, he didn't know just how loud he was talking when he said "pick. up. your. feet." hahah so, I went to "shush" him and shocked him. So, throughout Wal-Mart we played the "shocking game" except when I say we I mean me. He wasn't wearing Vans. After the store, we went to Betos (as always), went back to his house and cuddled on the couch watching Archer and of course he fell asleep.

Monday, January 26, 2015


*For the young ones who e-mail me about your life struggles and triumphs, I owe this to you. For my loves, friends and family, I owe you my success. May you never feel alone and after reading this I sincerely hope one day you find peace and know that you are never alone. <3
I have put this off for as long as I have started this blog. But, when something consumes not only you but your're doing something wrong. I also understand that after reading this you too will say that I need to see someone about my problems. However, blogging has been the best therapy I have ever had. Just when I think I'm only doing it for me, I receive an e-mail. So, lets begin...
Back in 2006 I was just like the rest of you, trying to figure out how to "gracefully" blossom into someone not quite labeled as "the youth" that I was the year before. I was turning 13 and still had the rest of my life ahead of me. I was the girl you didn't want meeting your parents....girl or boy..I was raised to speak my mind but remain respectful, as adults knew more than I did. With that, I had several "secret" friends. And now, looking back, I know they were just ashamed they couldn't find anyone better. **You were no better than me. No higher. Still are at the bottom with me**
I managed to make one friend, a friend who it. Who never judged me, never told me i'd get nowhere. Instead, she helped me prove myself to not only her parents, but to me the kind of person I should be. (she told her parents I was a saint, but they knew better). After a series of what would be considered "unfortunate events" but were really a cake walk compared to what was to come, her parents let us be friends. And God, can I just say, I MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP. Anyway, we planned for months to have this sleepover, because when you're 13, sleepovers are a must! “Beavis and Butthead” and “10 Things I Hate About you” and we were asleep. Also, before I go on, I must tell you she had a blood brother and a step brother. If I were fortunate enough to receive a pamphlet on unfortunate events or, people to stay away from.....the step brother would be front page. In bold letters. Anyway, after our movies, we were least she and I were.
Now, if you are on the edge of your seat waiting for me to tell you what happens next, turns out, im still not ready to tell the whole story. 10 years later and I still cant bring myself to say the word. However, I will say, even though I was not fully penetrated, I was affected enough to be scarred. Scarred and scared, for anyone to touch me, or even look at me. I mean, I just made this friend and let’s face it…her parents weren't all super fond of me. How would you have handled this? Confusion, shame, fear….how would I be able to tell anyone without them thinking “oh, she deserved it, she led him on” Don’t worry, those thoughts ran through my head. I didn’t even tell my parents. I did though, after about a week, tell my friend what happened…and you know, hormones make you do crazy things…she told everyone when he made her mad. Which made me fall enemy.
I am going to fall victim here but when does a girl EVER need to be treated like a whore? Like it’s her fault? How about you accept the fact your son is the blame and APOLOGIZE?!! nope, she had to switch all classes the following school year. We were not allowed to speak to each other until one day I took a stand and told her parents in all of its gory details what happened and well, what do you know? Someone showed up on my doorstep who really wanted every single juicy detail for their tape record of how I felt, what I did and didn't like….wait, I was supposed to like it?? Did I mention I did this in front of my horrified parents who, for 3 months had absolutely NO IDEA this even happened?? They just thought I lost a friend. And now that I have kids I can only imagine how they felt. I was given the option to receive help (therapy) and or press charges. I’M 13!!! What does that even mean???? I just wanted to know he had died and that I could have my friend back. Unfortunately, that’s not how life goes. EVER. SMH. The one time I would have liked my dad to interfere, he simply asked me if I wanted to testify and of course I said no. So, with that they let him off the hook. He was taken out of school and sent all the way across town where I would never have to “see” him again.

A few years later, I am now greeting high school. In this time, 2 friends have died. I love my parents but, I hate EVERYONE else. Everyone. I befriend someone and whilst being “bfff’s” I spill my life story (this included) and mortify her.  But, guess what? She dates him, after everything I say, she dates him. And then years later, they marry and she stops being my friend, and then they have a baby boy together. After spending a lot of time scratching my head at what just happened, I realize…never did I get an “I’m sorry” “Are you OK”? From him, his parents, or well, anyone. And I think to this day that is what is holding me back.
After 10 years, I have gotten nothing and you know what? I still get the “fuck you” eye from his mom and Oh, if any of you know me that just fuels my rage. One day, when the purge is legal, I’m coming for you. :D and I smile because I am a bitch and I have learned to accept that I ain't changing my thoughts, views or hatred for you. You will die. And I will smile.
I've been given the ability to dream things that may or may not happen in real life. My mom does it and considers it a gift. I on the other hand don’t. I can’t get past the thought of me seeing someone do something or know something about them and consider that a gift. It’s too weird. I will say that in recent dreams, I get a play by play of what you did. And I say this directly to you, in hopes that you read this someday. I remember what you did, and I have not forgotten. And in my dreams, I kill you. I. Kill. You. You will pay for this and you may live across from my parents, but, I have my eyes on you every day, I know what you do and you will get nowhere near my girls. I have made myself a warrior. You can't touch me now.

*anyone who has or even may suffer this…you aren’t alone. This is a daily struggle for me. I live with the shame every day of my life. I used to dream I could die so that I wouldn’t feel this way. Without this, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I am still here so that I could be there for you. Keep sending me e-mails. And friends reading this, you continue to be my inspiration and I owe you every ounce of success I gain in life. I <3 you.

My next chapter in life, exhaling negativity and fear, and inhaling success and love.

Kia Kaha (stay strong).