Self Reflect

As always I don't know how to feel today. I am always trying to figure out circumstances that happen. Why I feel the way I do about things and I end up rolling myself up into a ball of stress and more questions. I always tell people that it's okay to not have the answer today. It's okay to feel the way you feel today but why can't I take that advice? *insert chuckle* I am a Taurus that's why. I struggle to word this because it is one of those things that if you say it with your emotions you can't take it back. I struggle to word this without using my pregnancy hormones because they are a real thing. 

I am a generally happy human. I dream of positivity and I surround myself with people and items that make me truly happy. For instance, some will say my relationship with my mom is weird but she makes me so happy. I surround myself with so much work because I am serving others every single day and that's what brings me joy. I enjoy healing powers and stay tuned into my culture because that's where I found myself last year. And lastly, I tie myself to Kyle because he is everything. However, today I am feeling dispirited. I am a quick forgiver because I believe people are good. I am shallow for that but I genuinely think all people are good they just "messed up". I don't do well with disappointments and people letting me down and I rip myself apart when I disappoint another. I shell out second chances like they're free and I am always the one ending on my ass and looking stupid. 

I used to love alcohol. I loved parties and I loved socializing and unfortunately that's how I met my Kyle. The year that Bub passed I entered a slum of endless booze and suddenly it wasn't for the parties and social events. It was my escape. Kyle and I drank together a lot and for a while all our relationship was standing on were the empty bottles. His for his own reasons and mine for mine. Tying into the year that I changed my life for the better, taking all of the negative thoughts and turning my world into peace. I still drank more than I should but I started realistically looking at my future with Kyle and after breaking up twice we finally began to live life for each other and not for the horrible things others did to us. We were finally real. 

Overtime I released the bottles and came to a point where the smell got to me. I couldn't be around people who drank. The drunk walks weren't funny to watch and the way they slur wasn't admiring. I let everyone do their thing and I would go home, or I would schedule myself to work so I didn't have to be there. I was able to work through the reasons that made me want to drink myself asleep with an intense amount of work. I had to learn how to find my way to what made me most happy without using a bottle. I started going to work with a purpose because not thinking about myself for five hours each day was unexpectedly what I really needed. I do a lot of things that helps me stay sober and closer to who I know I am.

The catch is that just because you have found your sober vice in life doesn't mean everyone else has. The things that help you stay where you need to be balanced aren't the things that helps other people. Telling someone "just stop drinking. Be in this with me together" isn't going to do anything until they find what it is they're missing. It's the sad truth and the more you push for the way you want your lives to go the more it won't be that way. To be told you make someone want to drink is the most soul crushing thing you'll ever know. To be told you are part of that problem and not solution is extremely discouraging. Was your life a lie? Did I sweep so much under the rug when I got sober I forgot how to pick someone else up and help them? 

I know the next chapter of my life is the start of my journey as a mother. I can think that I have found answers to many of life's mysteries and maybe that's true. But truth be told, we as mothers don't know shit, we learn as we go. You teach your children to not bully others, you teach them to give back to the community and be someone they are proud of at the end of the day and that's all we can do. Leila will come face to face with a bottle of booze sometime in her life and that thought scares the Hell out of me. I can give her all the facts but she has to learn for herself. Thankfully a "you'll learn" is part of my personality trait but it still doesn't make it less frightening and I hope she is never told she drives someone to drink.

I have a lot to learn and still more to grow. I hope the people who I have ever made feel that they were immeasurable to me know that was not my intent. I am a firm believer in what I believe in and sometimes I make sure everyone knows even when they don't want to. I realize that aids in the ones I drive to do things they normally wouldn't if I just sat down. I was able to work through my problems without anyone over my head telling me how to do them and respectfully they have that right too. I am sorry for the way I have made you feel in the past and even today, it's a weakness I am working through. I decided that I am not going to waste my time getting people on my level who aren't ready. I don't like to be pushed either and maybe going it alone for a while is going to be exactly what I need.

One Year Later.

I feel so caught up in my baby drama that I haven't been taking care of myself. Funny how at the most important time of this particular year I wake up thinking "crap". July, August and September mark one year anniversaries. My grandma passed in July just two days before I flew to Australia. I missed her funeral but I will never forget the goodbye I was brave enough to have. I remember walking to the door and almost going home. A lot of people in my life have died and in some ways it makes me numb to know someone I love is dying. I felt different with my grandma and the whole time I was extremely uncomfortable but after I left I felt a wave of secure emotions and it was okay to mourn. The next morning she passed on.

I left to Australia and had the time of my life. Came back home the first week of August and things were starting to simmer. I was getting back into my work groove and my family was doing great. My 7 month old niece Zayley passed away after I received a phone call from my sister Beth. I was towards the last two hours of my grave shift and was preparing meds for my clients. She called to say that Z had been rushed to the hospital and wasn't sure if she was going to make it. In that moment I remember a panic feeling and the urge to run. I think I realized in that moment I live my life on survival mode. I called for coverage and bolted out the front door. I drove home without crying I just wanted to go home. The second I walked through our bedroom door and Kyle lifted up his head I just bawled. I don't remember if I was able to tell him anything I just remember almost screaming. I cried really hard for about 20 minutes and had even woken up Jodi in a panic. After crying I remember just sitting in silence unable to speak nor move. My sister Carrie called to let me know Zayley didn't survive and asked if I was going to come down and together we cried again. I received many other phone calls from each member of my family over the course of about two hours to make sure we were all okay. I had said I wasn't sure if I would make it down because on grave brain and news like this I shouldn't have been driving to Ogden. Something inside me told me I should for my brothers sake but something else urged me to stay home. I ended up finally falling asleep hours later and when I woke up there was about a two second time where I thought it didn't happen followed by a wave of 'oh yes it did'. My body felt extremely heavy and I couldn't move. I couldn't look at anyone and I didn't speak.

Today I am remembering these feelings in particular following my sisters Facebook post about my nephew last night. My family struggled with babies for what felt like forever. My sisters feared to touch another baby because all they saw were their own memories of holding Z one last time. Death affects everyone. And unfortunately something I never considered was how much death affects children. Zayley's sister Zoey is three. She'll be 4 in a few weeks and this has affected her. She has her own traumatic memories of what happened the morning my brother found his daughter. She remembers the screaming, the police and she remembers her sister didn't come home. She recently started opening up about it and panics everywhere my brother or mom take her in fear she will die there. My sweetest nephew thinks that my little babe is Zayley and he is SO excited for my baby shower on Saturday because he thinks Z is going to be there. All of my presents from everyone showed up at his house and he made sure Carrie was delicate with the boxes because he didn't want Zayley to not have any decorations for her room.

I use rainbows as a way of release. As a promise of tomorrow. I use rainbows because they only come after something tragic happens. After filth has been washed away it's a promise that your path will become clearer. Losing my niece was so hard and I can think I am past all of the anguish but that is just a lie. I have come to realize that my way of grieving is okay. I know we go through steps differently and I admittedly know why I never went down to say goodbye to Z. I watch my siblings replay that hospital room, replay their tears. I know 100% I couldn't come back from that. I still have moments where I'm back in the hospital saying goodbye to Bubba and it feels fresh and not that three years have passed. I remember how I felt driving to my sisters that night and sinking to the floor with my brother in law Cam. I couldn't do it again and I know it's okay that I couldn't.

I survived July and have survived two days of August. Next month I have one more hurtle to climb as I reach the year mark for my friend Jen. Anniversaries are always hard and so are birthdays. But I can't help but remember that through this mess I buried for a year I received my rainbow and she's coming right in the middle of all of this. Three anniversaries all together is really tough. But, it's a blessing that I can look forward to her because she was sent to me on purpose and that's a reason to celebrate life. I pray for my family daily and forget to pray for myself. I can't help but think that this tiny heavenly flower is going to bring more than just healing. I feel so strongly about her name!