As always I don't know how to feel today. I am always trying to figure out circumstances that happen. Why I feel the way I do about things and I end up rolling myself up into a ball of stress and more questions. I always tell people that it's okay to not have the answer today. It's okay to feel the way you feel today but why can't I take that advice? *insert chuckle* I am a Taurus that's why. I struggle to word this because it is one of those things that if you say it with your emotions you can't take it back. I struggle to word this without using my pregnancy hormones because they are a real thing.
I am a generally happy human. I dream of positivity and I surround myself with people and items that make me truly happy. For instance, some will say my relationship with my mom is weird but she makes me so happy. I surround myself with so much work because I am serving others every single day and that's what brings me joy. I enjoy healing powers and stay tuned into my culture because that's where I found myself last year. And lastly, I tie myself to Kyle because he is everything. However, today I am feeling dispirited. I am a quick forgiver because I believe people are good. I am shallow for that but I genuinely think all people are good they just "messed up". I don't do well with disappointments and people letting me down and I rip myself apart when I disappoint another. I shell out second chances like they're free and I am always the one ending on my ass and looking stupid.
I used to love alcohol. I loved parties and I loved socializing and unfortunately that's how I met my Kyle. The year that Bub passed I entered a slum of endless booze and suddenly it wasn't for the parties and social events. It was my escape. Kyle and I drank together a lot and for a while all our relationship was standing on were the empty bottles. His for his own reasons and mine for mine. Tying into the year that I changed my life for the better, taking all of the negative thoughts and turning my world into peace. I still drank more than I should but I started realistically looking at my future with Kyle and after breaking up twice we finally began to live life for each other and not for the horrible things others did to us. We were finally real.
Overtime I released the bottles and came to a point where the smell got to me. I couldn't be around people who drank. The drunk walks weren't funny to watch and the way they slur wasn't admiring. I let everyone do their thing and I would go home, or I would schedule myself to work so I didn't have to be there. I was able to work through the reasons that made me want to drink myself asleep with an intense amount of work. I had to learn how to find my way to what made me most happy without using a bottle. I started going to work with a purpose because not thinking about myself for five hours each day was unexpectedly what I really needed. I do a lot of things that helps me stay sober and closer to who I know I am.
The catch is that just because you have found your sober vice in life doesn't mean everyone else has. The things that help you stay where you need to be balanced aren't the things that helps other people. Telling someone "just stop drinking. Be in this with me together" isn't going to do anything until they find what it is they're missing. It's the sad truth and the more you push for the way you want your lives to go the more it won't be that way. To be told you make someone want to drink is the most soul crushing thing you'll ever know. To be told you are part of that problem and not solution is extremely discouraging. Was your life a lie? Did I sweep so much under the rug when I got sober I forgot how to pick someone else up and help them?
I know the next chapter of my life is the start of my journey as a mother. I can think that I have found answers to many of life's mysteries and maybe that's true. But truth be told, we as mothers don't know shit, we learn as we go. You teach your children to not bully others, you teach them to give back to the community and be someone they are proud of at the end of the day and that's all we can do. Leila will come face to face with a bottle of booze sometime in her life and that thought scares the Hell out of me. I can give her all the facts but she has to learn for herself. Thankfully a "you'll learn" is part of my personality trait but it still doesn't make it less frightening and I hope she is never told she drives someone to drink.
I have a lot to learn and still more to grow. I hope the people who I have ever made feel that they were immeasurable to me know that was not my intent. I am a firm believer in what I believe in and sometimes I make sure everyone knows even when they don't want to. I realize that aids in the ones I drive to do things they normally wouldn't if I just sat down. I was able to work through my problems without anyone over my head telling me how to do them and respectfully they have that right too. I am sorry for the way I have made you feel in the past and even today, it's a weakness I am working through. I decided that I am not going to waste my time getting people on my level who aren't ready. I don't like to be pushed either and maybe going it alone for a while is going to be exactly what I need.
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