Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Change.

They say change is good for you. I have struggled all of my life to understand why it's good, especially right now. I am a Taurus. My nature is consistency. I need schedules and plans. I need people in my life to stay there and when they leave I struggle to remold.

I felt like I had it all for a few months. I was loving my little makeup biz and for once I enjoyed to the full extent meeting new friends. I had a solid group of employees and for once the waters of my life were calm. Like all things, that didn't last long. The passing of my grandma has been coming back to me in subtle ways that make me feel peaceful. However, the realization I can't go to her house anymore, play in her basement, hear her infectious laugh or see her perfect smile, even trying to catch up to her in bingo at Christmas is knocking me down. My grandma has always been there, if I missed one Christmas party she was always at the next one. If I missed seeing her for whatever reason I knew she'd be there tomorrow. She isn't here anymore the way I need her to be and its more apparent everyday. When I lost my niece I was at a point in my life where I was reading positive affirmations daily, I was praying to a God that for a long time thought didn't really exist. When you experience infant or child loss you feel where they go, at least I did. Reading positive affirmations helped me stay on the positive side of the situation where I was able to feel what I couldn't had I shut down. I haven't cried that hard since Bubba passed. I know what she was here for and that will stay with me. But walking through my parents door and feeling my brothers energy, his depression and the way my parents talk softer now is what I can't seem to fight. Watching what feels like my family falling apart makes me want to take back everything I thought I had together. My parents recently threw out just about their whole home, furniture, everything. They have no carpet, no wallpaper and are slowly renovating. This change isn't just affecting me, but when I go to their house it doesn't feel like "home".

During all of these changes, I still had my trusty friends at work. We were there for each other and I was holding onto that shred of my life that hadn't changed yet. We lost one of our clients that we work everyday with. -and I will say, because you'll meet people that just "work here", she was my family. I didn't just work with her, my whole world was her and I was happy. She was sudden and that was my last straw. At that point, I had become so numb with the thought of losing yet another person that I just couldn't react. I had no more energy and I remember just dragging through that time. My house staff dropped like flies after that and I only still speak to one of those people other than the two that still work with me. This is where my heart breaks. We don't speak. Not through texting or calls, not even through comments on Facebook. It's not that any of us dislikes the other, I think it's just that we don't know what to say now. We are all broken and despite our solid glue it just wasn't enough. All things in time. Just makes the now harder while we wait for later.

I am not sure why I am surrounded by so much death. Sometimes I feel like bad luck and almost that I would just rather not meet anyone new again. When normal people (like you) meet someone you think of all of the future conversations you will have, whether or not you're going to be friends forever or not. Honestly, and this is really dark, but I think about how long until they are going to die. Right now, that is all my heart feels and its crushing me. I had it together. I really did. I do the things I need to each day and some days I count the hours until bedtime. Some days I catch a glimpse of the girl who was happy six months ago and I hold onto her for as long as I can until she fades away. I am surviving and that is no way to live.

Things that have helped me in the past to get through dark times aren't working right now. I am trekking through a lot of garbage and really it's just day by day. If you catch a glimpse of the girl that was me, please tell me so I can see her too. I miss her.

Believe