Most times I blog I cry. But, I am on cloud nine, my family is on cloud nine and I have clarity. There are two quotes I LOVE, "after every storm there is a rainbow of hope" and "no rainbow comes without a storm". The beautiful yet frustrating thing about rainbows is that they really don't exist without a storm. A storm being death or a high risk pregnancy. I have situational depression and July has been one of my hardest months this year. I sucked it up at work and shut down quite a few times. I avoided family and friends and somedays even Kyle. I'm not the only one going through this trial and I understand everyone is struggling but I am the one carrying her. I am the one who keeps her alive. It is my mood, my love and my strength that she will inherit and do you know how hard it is to stay above the storm each day not knowing?
I cleansed my crystals and I accepted everyone's prayers for us. Message after message from friends and family I don't talk to often. People I didn't even know were still connected through social media. All letting me know they loved me and were sending their support through whatever higher power they believed in. When you are in the deepest of your own despair you take the prayers, you say thanks and you carry on. It isn't until the prayers and thoughts are answered that you really understand what the power was meant for.
June 26th I saw a cardiologist for babe and the results were more than devastating. The hole between her two chambers was small but it was a hole none the less. "Just one more thing" I thought and later that night when I called Kyle that was exactly what he said. It's hard for techs to measure this girl and I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down. She's ALWAYS MOVING!! The cardiologist tried for about an hour to inspect her heart because he felt there was coarctation of the aorta which he had described as "thinning". But, because my child can't hold still he wasn't positive it was that and we would have to come back nearly a month later to ensure what he saw is in fact what he saw.
I woke up Friday morning and felt good. I felt really good. I said it was going to be a good day and I did that for me. It was payday, I paid my rent early and I didn't even think about the appointment but I knew if I was already happy I would be fine. I drove down and became anxious. I started sweating and I could feel my brain fuzz over. My sister has a heart defect and came to this appointment because she felt that what she has was hereditary and then of course my mom was there. I will warn you all, if you ever have to go do an echo just know that your appointment is super awkward and the techs don't say much to you. They are friendly but they don't say "okay now were looking at this chamber" or "oh look she's waving at you". They whisper and it makes you feel like oh my God somethings wrong...is something wrong? My mom said "isn't this cool?" and my sister goes "it would be a lot cooler if we knew what was going on." HA HA HA.
The doctor who saw us this time was different from the cardiologist I saw before and he was very friendly. When he finished he casually said "the hole has shrunk so small that I don't see the need for surgery. And I briefly got a great view of the problem we weren't sure about but there is nothing wrong with it". We were silent and he said "so that's good news!" So all of a sudden I realized life is full of those 'rainbows' I keep forgetting to remember I'll see when it's supposed to make sense. Other than the surgery to rearrange her organs and repair the hernia she won't need further surgeries.
*insert tears*
I am beyond grateful for my life. It has been far from perfect and I have known the taste of Hell. I also know the taste of Heaven because I was surrounded by exactly who I needed to be. All of the prayers, all of the ones who went out of their way to send a quick message just to say they were thinking of us carried me, Kyle and our baby so far. I can't speak for Kyle but I feel the love and support, thank you!
Next weekend is my first baby shower and then I can FINALLY start using her bloody name! I kept almost typing it ha ha.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Monday, July 2, 2018
Why me or try me.
Remember that one time a few years ago when I woke up and decided I'd take control of my life, face every demon and win? I find myself about two years later and I seem to have lost that momentum. I constantly find myself asking "why me" nearly everyday. Recently, I have asked "why her" and I realize today I am starting a bad habit for my child. No matter your opinions or what you believe, I believe 1000% that she can feel what I feel. She absorbs my energy and if I am currently feeling "why me" and anxiety filled so will she.
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is where your diaphragm doesn't close, thus leaving a hole welcoming organs into your chest area. That is what our child has. That news has brought a lot of tears and from there quite literally things have felt as though it has just gone downhill. After being poked almost too many times I have Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I feel somewhat of an expert with diabetes as a few I am close to have both type 1 and 2. Unfortunately, Gestational Diabetes is a little different from that. I hung up the phone and of course bawled. Pregnancy sure has a way of making you feel helpless with your emotions. I fell into a depressive state where I was saying to myself, "what else", which obviously I have quickly learned not to ask.
I ventured down to Primary Children's in Salt Lake with my mom last week to my fetal echo appointment and I was feeling extremely flustered. I had to fill out an information sheet and they asked questions that I felt they already knew as I had answered these questions before on the phone. They are also on my medical chart. -They literally asked if I was pregnant. "That's why I'm here" was my answer. I was called back and handed my sheet to the nurse and apologized as she read down the sheet for my sarcastic answers. Her facial expression changed and all I could say was "pretty sure you already have this information so I'm sorry if it's too sarcastic. I can redo it." The nurse was nice and just moved on. The highlight of the appointment was seeing my child. Seeing her heart beating, seeing her moving and seeing the sweet smile on my moms face as she kept saying "you always did that too". The appointment was quiet and I desperately wanted the techs from Logan back. They didn't explain things, they whispered amongst themselves and I just laid there like "now what". A towel was tossed onto me and I was asked to rub the sticky jelly off my belly and come into the conference room when finished. We got into the conference room and the doctor began explaining his findings. I realized quickly that was why they didn't explain things in the room because they wanted to formally talk to us after but telling me that was their plan would have been cool. A condition called Ventricular Septal Defect was found. Essentially a hole in her heart. Immediately every word after that didn't make it through. All I could think of was that's what else. My eyes kept welling and I shook my head vigorously "yes" as he explained things but couldn't take anything else in. "It's repairable" was said many times. WHY!? Literally, why? I left the appointment in tears. I sat in the bathroom for a while trying to get myself together. I envy the women who get to enjoy their pregnancy. I feel angry.
The next day I had my first MRI and thought I wasn't going to fit all the way in there. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic! I felt snug enough I actually almost fell asleep. If it wasn't for the noisy machine I probably would have. We later met surgeons and NICU nurses and they were so friendly. They loaded us all with information and then asked if we had any questions. So glad I took my mom because she had several. She's never been afraid to speak up. Any questions that were asked were valued and explained in as much detail as possible. There was one NICU nurse that elaborated, for me anyway, what the doctors were saying in a language we understood. I think she's done this before. I felt fine and only thought about Kyle. I got home after a quiet ride in the car and just sat on the couch feeling so overwhelmed. The depressive state kept coming and I just laid in bed. I ignored nearly all the messages I had received that night and didn't call my sister even though I told her I would.
I thought, you got the wrong girl for this. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was sure I couldn't handle it and I am still struggling. It comes in waves and like I said, It's all about my positive energy. The following morning I messaged my bestie Jae and desperately asked for something to make me calm. Anything. She's into crystals and meditation and will be so perfect as baby's godmother. She took me to a health store and we walked around. I wasn't all in and had no idea what these things do if they worked. I was desperate to hold on to any hope. She did some things that I thought was really odd at first until it panned out and I will say, my child never kicked harder than when I held onto the crystals that I took home. They were exactly what I needed. She's going to be a Libra so I grabbed a baggie of mixed crystals I will give to her when she is ready. You can roll your eyes and say what you want about this but whatever helps you see the positive side of every situation I say do it.
Her hospital stay is projected at least 2 months pending surgeries etc. There may be more. I can't believe the outpour of love and support these last few days. From people I would never expect. God, this is so hard.
Things are always supposed to suck. How can you know Heaven if you don't know what Hell feels like? I need to understand that feeling my emotions is okay. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is okay. Needing a day where no one calls me is okay. But I have to utilize the strength I worked hard to have these last few years to be positive. To be able to teach my daughter that although life quite literally stomps you, you always have the option to be the one who gets up. My greatest trial is maintaining my positivity and thankfulness that I woke up today and that she is still alive. Hers will be learning that her strength outweighed every negative outcome. Someone with so many "problems" hasn't slowed down. Heartbeat is amazing, she says hi to me with some jabs. She is queen and why I feel so strongly the name we chose. Second hint - middle name starts with an R and is named after the first most important woman in my world. <3
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is where your diaphragm doesn't close, thus leaving a hole welcoming organs into your chest area. That is what our child has. That news has brought a lot of tears and from there quite literally things have felt as though it has just gone downhill. After being poked almost too many times I have Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I feel somewhat of an expert with diabetes as a few I am close to have both type 1 and 2. Unfortunately, Gestational Diabetes is a little different from that. I hung up the phone and of course bawled. Pregnancy sure has a way of making you feel helpless with your emotions. I fell into a depressive state where I was saying to myself, "what else", which obviously I have quickly learned not to ask.
I ventured down to Primary Children's in Salt Lake with my mom last week to my fetal echo appointment and I was feeling extremely flustered. I had to fill out an information sheet and they asked questions that I felt they already knew as I had answered these questions before on the phone. They are also on my medical chart. -They literally asked if I was pregnant. "That's why I'm here" was my answer. I was called back and handed my sheet to the nurse and apologized as she read down the sheet for my sarcastic answers. Her facial expression changed and all I could say was "pretty sure you already have this information so I'm sorry if it's too sarcastic. I can redo it." The nurse was nice and just moved on. The highlight of the appointment was seeing my child. Seeing her heart beating, seeing her moving and seeing the sweet smile on my moms face as she kept saying "you always did that too". The appointment was quiet and I desperately wanted the techs from Logan back. They didn't explain things, they whispered amongst themselves and I just laid there like "now what". A towel was tossed onto me and I was asked to rub the sticky jelly off my belly and come into the conference room when finished. We got into the conference room and the doctor began explaining his findings. I realized quickly that was why they didn't explain things in the room because they wanted to formally talk to us after but telling me that was their plan would have been cool. A condition called Ventricular Septal Defect was found. Essentially a hole in her heart. Immediately every word after that didn't make it through. All I could think of was that's what else. My eyes kept welling and I shook my head vigorously "yes" as he explained things but couldn't take anything else in. "It's repairable" was said many times. WHY!? Literally, why? I left the appointment in tears. I sat in the bathroom for a while trying to get myself together. I envy the women who get to enjoy their pregnancy. I feel angry.
The next day I had my first MRI and thought I wasn't going to fit all the way in there. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic! I felt snug enough I actually almost fell asleep. If it wasn't for the noisy machine I probably would have. We later met surgeons and NICU nurses and they were so friendly. They loaded us all with information and then asked if we had any questions. So glad I took my mom because she had several. She's never been afraid to speak up. Any questions that were asked were valued and explained in as much detail as possible. There was one NICU nurse that elaborated, for me anyway, what the doctors were saying in a language we understood. I think she's done this before. I felt fine and only thought about Kyle. I got home after a quiet ride in the car and just sat on the couch feeling so overwhelmed. The depressive state kept coming and I just laid in bed. I ignored nearly all the messages I had received that night and didn't call my sister even though I told her I would.
I thought, you got the wrong girl for this. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was sure I couldn't handle it and I am still struggling. It comes in waves and like I said, It's all about my positive energy. The following morning I messaged my bestie Jae and desperately asked for something to make me calm. Anything. She's into crystals and meditation and will be so perfect as baby's godmother. She took me to a health store and we walked around. I wasn't all in and had no idea what these things do if they worked. I was desperate to hold on to any hope. She did some things that I thought was really odd at first until it panned out and I will say, my child never kicked harder than when I held onto the crystals that I took home. They were exactly what I needed. She's going to be a Libra so I grabbed a baggie of mixed crystals I will give to her when she is ready. You can roll your eyes and say what you want about this but whatever helps you see the positive side of every situation I say do it.
Her hospital stay is projected at least 2 months pending surgeries etc. There may be more. I can't believe the outpour of love and support these last few days. From people I would never expect. God, this is so hard.
Things are always supposed to suck. How can you know Heaven if you don't know what Hell feels like? I need to understand that feeling my emotions is okay. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is okay. Needing a day where no one calls me is okay. But I have to utilize the strength I worked hard to have these last few years to be positive. To be able to teach my daughter that although life quite literally stomps you, you always have the option to be the one who gets up. My greatest trial is maintaining my positivity and thankfulness that I woke up today and that she is still alive. Hers will be learning that her strength outweighed every negative outcome. Someone with so many "problems" hasn't slowed down. Heartbeat is amazing, she says hi to me with some jabs. She is queen and why I feel so strongly the name we chose. Second hint - middle name starts with an R and is named after the first most important woman in my world. <3
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