*For the young ones who e-mail me about your life struggles and triumphs, I owe this to you. For my loves, friends and family, I owe you my success. May you never feel alone and after reading this I sincerely hope one day you find peace and know that you are never alone. <3
I have put this off for as long as I have started this blog. But, when something consumes not only you but your soul....you're doing something wrong. I also understand that after reading this you too will say that I need to see someone about my problems. However, blogging has been the best therapy I have ever had. Just when I think I'm only doing it for me, I receive an e-mail. So, lets begin...
Back in 2006 I was just like the rest of you, trying to figure out how to "gracefully" blossom into someone not quite labeled as "the youth" that I was the year before. I was turning 13 and still had the rest of my life ahead of me. I was the girl you didn't want meeting your parents....girl or boy..I was raised to speak my mind but remain respectful, as adults knew more than I did. With that, I had several "secret" friends. And now, looking back, I know they were just ashamed they couldn't find anyone better. **You were no better than me. No higher. Still are at the bottom with me**
I managed to make one friend, a friend who just....got it. Who never judged me, never told me i'd get nowhere. Instead, she helped me prove myself to not only her parents, but to me the kind of person I should be. (she told her parents I was a saint, but they knew better). After a series of what would be considered "unfortunate events" but were really a cake walk compared to what was to come, her parents let us be friends. And God, can I just say, I MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP. Anyway, we planned for months to have this sleepover, because when you're 13, sleepovers are a must! “Beavis and Butthead” and “10 Things I Hate About you” and we were asleep. Also, before I go on, I must tell you she had a blood brother and a step brother. If I were fortunate enough to receive a pamphlet on unfortunate events or, people to stay away from.....the step brother would be front page. In bold letters. Anyway, after our movies, we were asleep..at least she and I were.
Now, if you are on the edge of your seat waiting for me to tell you what happens next, turns out, im still not ready to tell the whole story. 10 years later and I still cant bring myself to say the word. However, I will say, even though I was not fully penetrated, I was affected enough to be scarred. Scarred and scared, for anyone to touch me, or even look at me. I mean, I just made this friend and let’s face it…her parents weren't all super fond of me. How would you have handled this? Confusion, shame, fear….how would I be able to tell anyone without them thinking “oh, she deserved it, she led him on” Don’t worry, those thoughts ran through my head. I didn’t even tell my parents. I did though, after about a week, tell my friend what happened…and you know, hormones make you do crazy things…she told everyone when he made her mad. Which made me fall enemy.
I am going to fall victim here but when does a girl EVER need to be treated like a whore? Like it’s her fault? How about you accept the fact your son is the blame and APOLOGIZE?!! nope, she had to switch all classes the following school year. We were not allowed to speak to each other until one day I took a stand and told her parents in all of its gory details what happened and well, what do you know? Someone showed up on my doorstep who really wanted every single juicy detail for their tape record of how I felt, what I did and didn't like….wait, I was supposed to like it?? Did I mention I did this in front of my horrified parents who, for 3 months had absolutely NO IDEA this even happened?? They just thought I lost a friend. And now that I have kids I can only imagine how they felt. I was given the option to receive help (therapy) and or press charges. I’M 13!!! What does that even mean???? I just wanted to know he had died and that I could have my friend back. Unfortunately, that’s not how life goes. EVER. SMH. The one time I would have liked my dad to interfere, he simply asked me if I wanted to testify and of course I said no. So, with that they let him off the hook. He was taken out of school and sent all the way across town where I would never have to “see” him again.
A few years later, I am now greeting high school. In this time, 2 friends have died. I love my parents but, I hate EVERYONE else. Everyone. I befriend someone and whilst being “bfff’s” I spill my life story (this included) and mortify her. But, guess what? She dates him, after everything I say, she dates him. And then years later, they marry and she stops being my friend, and then they have a baby boy together. After spending a lot of time scratching my head at what just happened, I realize…never did I get an “I’m sorry” “Are you OK”? From him, his parents, or well, anyone. And I think to this day that is what is holding me back.
After 10 years, I have gotten nothing and you know what? I still get the “fuck you” eye from his mom and Oh, if any of you know me that just fuels my rage. One day, when the purge is legal, I’m coming for you. :D and I smile because I am a bitch and I have learned to accept that I ain't changing my thoughts, views or hatred for you. You will die. And I will smile.
I've been given the ability to dream things that may or may not happen in real life. My mom does it and considers it a gift. I on the other hand don’t. I can’t get past the thought of me seeing someone do something or know something about them and consider that a gift. It’s too weird. I will say that in recent dreams, I get a play by play of what you did. And I say this directly to you, in hopes that you read this someday. I remember what you did, and I have not forgotten. And in my dreams, I kill you. I. Kill. You. You will pay for this and you may live across from my parents, but, I have my eyes on you every day, I know what you do and you will get nowhere near my girls. I have made myself a warrior. You can't touch me now.
*anyone who has or even may suffer this…you aren’t alone. This is a daily struggle for me. I live with the shame every day of my life. I used to dream I could die so that I wouldn’t feel this way. Without this, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I am still here so that I could be there for you. Keep sending me e-mails. And friends reading this, you continue to be my inspiration and I owe you every ounce of success I gain in life. I <3 you.
My next chapter in life, exhaling negativity and fear, and inhaling success and love.
Kia Kaha (stay strong).