Sunday, July 5, 2015

My Sweet Bubba.

As most or all of you know, I lost my other half April 1st. That was 3 months ago. WOW!!! I know that Bubba was a friend or even "best" friends with you...but I am going to tell you why he was MY best friend.

I could write you a list as long as this blog will allow, I could also tell you a million stories. To some, a thousand stories would be just OK. (: Instead I will share my favorites. 

Bubba and I met at the Swagers house, a family friend. Jodi was kind of the neighborhood mom..she still kind of is...just from a distance now. We did lots of things together as a group. Mostly setting random shit on fire, sitting on the roof to stargaze and creating friendships to last a lifetime. Bubba held me in the basement one day as we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up...and then Hellogoodbye's "Here In Your Arms" came on his ipod (that should set a general date) and he lifted my chin and kissed me. And yes, I was super awkward about it. He told me I was adorable and then took me home. 

We used to go to Ridley's in Hyrum and get sodas. All of us. But one day, it was just me and Bubba...since we kissed we kinda became one person, always together. Anyway, we got our drinks and he walked over to the quarter machine and said "because your favorite color is green, I am going to win you this green necklace". I laughed because there were like 6 different colors in there but sure enough 50 cents later and I had a green necklace. He put it on me and I told him I'd never take it off. We got to the car and I took it was magnetic and kept pulling my hair. I still have that necklace, and it sits right by my favorite picture of us.

My sister got married in 2010 and Bubba was my date. No one really knew Bubba very well but I knew he'd fit right in so I took him as my date. He got there and when my sister Laura saw him she says "wait, YOU'RE Bubba??" Bubba says, "yeah, you're Laura right?" she says, "Oh my God, I thought you would be like WAY black. But you're not" My sister Carrie, the one who just got married, snaps "Laura!" and Bubba just laughed. Carrie probably apologized 30+ times. But Laura was Bub's favorite after that.

My mom decided one day that she wanted to repaint (for the 3rd time that summer) the office room. So, she recruited Bubba and myself. So, we start painting I got paint ALL OVER myself! So, then I painted his butt and then we both decided 30 min in that we both hate painting and wanted to play outside instead. So, we go outside and there's like a thousand ants on my moms front step. So, Bubba grabs my dad's gas can and says "feeling murderous with me love?" to which I pull out a lighter...we were ALWAYS on the same page. Long story short...we almost lit the whole porch on fire, and we killed a lot of ants. HAHA 

My mom had breast cancer a few years back and I remember I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. No one deserved to send flowers or they're pitty upon my family. I was 14, a brat, and I had just lost 2 best friends within a 4 year span. I pushed Bubba away one day and he came to my house, and knocked on my bedroom door until I opened it. Once I did I just remember two big arms surround me and I fell to the ground and sobbed. He held me for what felt like an hour. He literally gave the BEST hugs! I miss those the most. Then, while my whole family dealt with my moms chemo and even my Aunt Larni flying in from Australia Bubba was there 24/7 making sure my mom had everything she needed...if she needed help with getting things. He was perfect. He was really good at making everyone feel stress free. 

For my birthday one year Bubba went out and bought me purple Converse shoes and him orange ones. Then, he switched the laces so I opened my box and there were purple shoes with orange laces and his were purple. Then, we played video games and hung out with friends. 

 I could go on forever but those are the ones that came to mind tonight. Now, Bubba and I dated on and off for over 8 years. Every time that it didn't work out we didn't even talk about it. Like I said, we were just always on the same page and continued being each others favorite friend. He was and is literally my whole soul. We connected on day one before we even spoke to each other. I hope that each of you reading this gets to feel that someday. I always thought it was a myth but my God, it's for real and it is so scary. After Bubba's cancer, he became very depressed. So much that he even pushed me away and there was nothing that I could do about it. Then, one day, he found his way back to me and it was almost as if he had never left. But that was probably the worst year without him. He kept me updated about the trials of his last days and I spent every single day with him and most of the time it was just watching him sleep while we watched Archer with the caption on. We have a bucket list with 2 things crossed off. The next item was to see Bo Burnham live, and then go to Kansas to stay with Aunt Lisa. The thing that tears me apart from the inside out is that I didn't get a "Bubba" hug before he left me. 

If you're wondering, I admit to avoiding this altogether. I literally couldn't even cry in private. I just didn't want to deal with it. I felt sad everyday, I missed him everyday, but it was different. People around me cried at the drop of a hat. But I didn't. I have been in shock for a long time. I suppose it has all been building up inside because today I woke up and went to text him and the message couldn't be sent and then I was like, "oh my God" crawled out of bed and threw up. Then, I cried every 15 minutes and then threw up again. So, I'm guessing I'm not in shock anymore. Around 3pm I felt a rage I haven't felt in a long time. I threw things and broke a few things and screamed his name a couple times. And the worst part was that all I wanted to do was call him and talk to him about it. My soul is missing...and lately I haven't been feeling  like myself at all. I have anxiety when I'm asked to attend social events, or hangouts. It literally takes all I have to say "yes", and leave my house. I have a new love and quite possibly ruined it because with all of this built up emotion I started letting it out this weekend and welp...the rest is probably history.

I am so grateful to first, Bubba's Grandma Jane, who I hope is reading this...I love you so much. Bubba loved you so much. And I want to thank you for every phone call, private message, letting me build a garden with you and G, and making me laugh until we both snort. You are the best new friend I could ever ask for and I know he is just over the moon that we are keeping in touch. You were going to be my Grandma someday and now you kinda are. Grandma let a few of us go through Bubba's room and keep things that meant the most to us. If I had my way, I would have kept it all...but, like I said earlier...some of you were his best friend too. (; the things that I did keep are my favorite things...I got to keep his orange pair of Converse with the purple laces. I will always do my very best to keep him alive inside of me. We really were soulmates and I feel him next to me every day. I just have to get passed the crying every 15 minutes. 

One more story before I go, 
Back in March this year I took Bubba to Wal-Mart so that he could get some stuff. I tend to drag my feet at times and because Bubba had gone deaf, he didn't know just how loud he was talking when he said "pick. up. your. feet." hahah so, I went to "shush" him and shocked him. So, throughout Wal-Mart we played the "shocking game" except when I say we I mean me. He wasn't wearing Vans. After the store, we went to Betos (as always), went back to his house and cuddled on the couch watching Archer and of course he fell asleep.