Friday, August 21, 2015

When does it get easier?

I mean, the title says it all. When does it get easier? Or even better...I'd settle for better. Just one day where I can not think about him, or watch a movie where someone dies and have to turn it off. Tell me, when does it get easier??

!!Spoiler Alert!! 

Ever seen the movie "If I Stay"? If you have not then stop reading and go watch it. Cry. Then continue reading. As you know I recently lost my very best friend Bubba. So, since it has only been 4 months I cannot watch anything where anyone close dies, has cancer...just basically anything drama related. Cannot. Handle. It. Anyway, I get on Netflix and my first instinct is to turn on "That 70's Show" because I'm re-rewatching it but then because I'm a rebel I say "What's new to Netflix"? On the trending now I see a movie called "If I Stay" and look at the synopsis and think...hmm tragedy you say? I'm a little obsessed with that so I turn it on. I thought that I was in the clear because it was also labeled children and family but I guess it doesn't matter when it comes to death.

Let me tell you what I got from the movie...

It starts out as this family who the parents were "moshers" the dad was in a band and they had 2 kids. And the daughter was more into classical music and played the cello. Then she meets this boy at school and he's in a band and starts dating her and it's really sweet. Then, the girl's family is driving (it's winter) and an oncoming truck hits some black ice I assume..It wasn't really specific, and the mom dies at the scene and the dad dies on the operating table. Right after the accident it shows the girl having an out of body experience and is watching her best friend hold hands with her grandparents as they are praying for her to come out alive. Right there is where I turned it off. So, maybe I didn't ruin it all for you as I am sure so many other things happen.

I started to tear up and you know the kind of cry where you feel it coming and you say "na, it'll pass" and so you kind of place pressure so that no tears escape and then it starts to you just let it go? I turned off the movie and finally just let myself sob. After, I felt so mad at myself.. Like, "how could you let that bother you"? Which brings me to my initial question...When does it get easier?

Bubba is not the only loved one that I have lost. I have lost a few really really close friends/family and I have gone through the grieving steps and have found a light at the tunnel at the end. I still have my moments with them but I can honestly say that I have not experienced this kind of grief before. Perhaps that is just experiencing the steps in a different order..or maybe there was a different kind of lost feeling than I had with the other loved ones..or even maybe now I'm old enough now to understand death and understand what I'm feeling everyday.. Yeah, definitely the last one. Maybe the first one too.

I have had the opportunity to have venting time with some good friends these past few days and hearing their stories of lost loved ones helped me realize..we are all swimming in the same pot. Doesn't matter how long it's been since you lost someone, just today, 4 months ago or 10 years just doesn't matter. We simply just pull ourselves together every morning and put on the "I'm ok" face and go about our day. Certain things will always trigger an emotion whether it's a smell, a song, or a memory and you just cry to yourself in private and then put that face back on. I believe that it doesn't get easier. I believe that you miss them the same today as you did the day they went away. It just depends on how you want to handle it.

*****I did finish the movie*****
More people die and my wounds are too fresh to ever recover after watching that movie. If you want a good cry..there ya are.