Monday, December 12, 2016

Absent Minded

These last few days have been very emotional for me. I have been second guessing myself over and over wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. I started to think that it would have been better had I stayed in the shadows like I always have. I knew that digging through my life would either make or break me and I honestly feel like it's breaking me more than it's making me into who I really am. I also have a lot of self doubt so I know that it's just that.

This post may be a little all over the place so I'm just full on warning you..

This morning I was doing my grave shift and I didn't get any sleep before hand because so much has been weighing on my mind. And also because me and my three sisters share a group text thread and sometimes I nap and wake up to 30 messages and yesterday I checked my phone and had 78 ha ha. Anyways, needless to say I was so incredibly tired so I started the shift with some coffee, and by that I mean two, and did random things to keep me awake. I changed the foil on the stove and I did a lot of weird snapchats  (I'm sorry). Randomly I had a thought about Bubba and was kind of blind sided. I'm a little weary of saying this but I need to..I realized in that moment that it had been days since I actually thought about Bubba. I know :/ I immediately felt like the worlds shittiest person. I felt like the worlds worst friend. How do you just not think about your best friend? After crying and staring at the ceiling apologizing I realized that I might not be the only one that this happens to. If this has never happened to you then whatever, you're a really good person and stuff. I had a vent session with a friend today and she confirmed that I am not the only one this has happened to..so, if you were previously judging me then you suck. She sometimes goes about her day and then realizes she hasn't really thought about her mother and said that it doesn't change her love in any way.

I have been doing so much lately. So much work trying to say three things I love about myself daily, complimenting at least three people and meaning it, and a mountain of work related things. My mom just left yesterday to Australia for four months and I have been having anxiety over that...if you know my relationship with my mom then you understand. I'm working on my relationship with Kyle and all of that seems to have sucked all of my mental time. Not all in a bad way either. Maybe what I am doing for myself and my overall happiness isn't what the mistake is. Maybe it is the load I have allowed myself to take on that is the mistake. I also tend to overthink and over-dramatize everything, welcome to my anxiety.

 I know that I carry Bubba with me everywhere I go, I know he is always there. I also know that I am a bother to some people when I constantly talk about Bubba because they feel uncomfortable and even immeasurable, or that I can't love again the way I loved him. And they're right. I will never find someone like Bub, and I will never love anyone the way that I loved him either and maybe that is the point. I mean really, I don't want to love my friends or future husband or children the way I loved Bubba because I want to love them the way I love them if that makes sense. Like, I will love them in our own unique and special way and hopefully that will be enough for them. Bubba was a beautiful chapter in my life and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time I start my new chapter and I have to be okay with that.

This is not a mistake. This is the only right thing I feel right now. My self doubt is strong. But it's not as strong as my gut that has been screaming every purpose I have and reasons why this is the farthest thing from a mistake. So, maybe I'm so busy I forgot a moment to think about Bubba, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. This is me opening my heart to new memories I deserve to have. I hope that you reading this opens your eyes too that it's okay to close the chapter. Your story doesn't stop there.