I wish I could remember the date off the top of my head when LeiLani was taken off of the jet ventilator but I know it was a Wednesday. That was the day everything changed. I changed my thinking that day because it felt like things were finally happening and moving up. I walked in to find my favorite Janet watching the monitor on the new ventilator that LeiLani was hooked to. After this day, I started thinking every time Janet works something big is going to happen. "I make shit happen" she said as I walked in the door. She told me not to keep my hopes up because it was just to see how she tolerated it and might have to go back to the jet but we would keep positive. I met up with Beth and we went to parent hour together. When I got back to the room Leila was on a conventional ventilator and I was told at some point I would be holding her.
Janet stood next to LeiLani's bedside and said "ready to hold her?" My stomach sank and all of a sudden I felt sick. Thoughts ran through my head and I realized this was my child. Although I had been saying I wanted to hold her I never thought about what it would feel like to hold her. She's not just any baby, she's my baby and I wanted to run. I told Janet I was nervous and she assured me everything would be fine. I sat in the chair waiting for the RT to come in and help transfer Leila from the bed to me. I felt cold but I was sweating -anxiety. The RT unhooked the tube inside LeiLani from her bed and hooked it onto my shirt. Janet boxed me in the chair with pillows and slowly they moved her to me. She was asleep because of the Morphine and Precedex so Janet and the RT placed Leila in a position where the tubes were steady and we would both be comfortable. She was so tiny on my chest and she smelled like lavender. I started to feel myself gearing up to cry and tried to suppress it. I looked up and Janet looked like she was about to cry as well.
Viewing this moment as a memory seems surreal. I talked about wanting to hold her and wanting to take her home but I never thought about what it would feel like when those things were finally happening. I think the feeling of holding your baby for the first time is the same feeling for most or all moms. All of the cliché sayings of how its a special moment is more true than I ever thought it could be. I remember that while I was holding her I felt restricted. I was too scared to do a little squeeze or adjust even slightly. I felt like I was holding glass that was seconds from shattering.
LeiLani never went back to the jet and the next day I held her some more. This was a moment I wanted to share with Kyle because for me I wanted all of the firsts to be with him but that doesn't always pan out. Looking back now I'm glad I experienced this by myself. There's something about a mother and her child sharing the intense connection for the first time and having my moment was so important. The next day I experienced skin to skin and I cry thinking about it. Looking down at my daughter despite her tubes and cords she really looked cozy snuggled on my chest. We pulled the curtains and the nurse over Leila took some amazing photos for me.
Watching our family come and hold her was an overwhelming feeling. On my side I watched my family hold the very thing that was sent to heal my us. The grandmas first holds were the most special for me. This girl doesn't even know how special she is but she knows she's loved for sure! The day Kyle held her for the first time was so cute, he looked so nervous. He just kept saying she was cute ha ha.
I have a few friends that are soon to be moms and I can't wait to see them experience that first hold with their child. It is a feeling that can't really be explained, you just have to experience it for yourself.
Janet stood next to LeiLani's bedside and said "ready to hold her?" My stomach sank and all of a sudden I felt sick. Thoughts ran through my head and I realized this was my child. Although I had been saying I wanted to hold her I never thought about what it would feel like to hold her. She's not just any baby, she's my baby and I wanted to run. I told Janet I was nervous and she assured me everything would be fine. I sat in the chair waiting for the RT to come in and help transfer Leila from the bed to me. I felt cold but I was sweating -anxiety. The RT unhooked the tube inside LeiLani from her bed and hooked it onto my shirt. Janet boxed me in the chair with pillows and slowly they moved her to me. She was asleep because of the Morphine and Precedex so Janet and the RT placed Leila in a position where the tubes were steady and we would both be comfortable. She was so tiny on my chest and she smelled like lavender. I started to feel myself gearing up to cry and tried to suppress it. I looked up and Janet looked like she was about to cry as well.
Viewing this moment as a memory seems surreal. I talked about wanting to hold her and wanting to take her home but I never thought about what it would feel like when those things were finally happening. I think the feeling of holding your baby for the first time is the same feeling for most or all moms. All of the cliché sayings of how its a special moment is more true than I ever thought it could be. I remember that while I was holding her I felt restricted. I was too scared to do a little squeeze or adjust even slightly. I felt like I was holding glass that was seconds from shattering.
LeiLani never went back to the jet and the next day I held her some more. This was a moment I wanted to share with Kyle because for me I wanted all of the firsts to be with him but that doesn't always pan out. Looking back now I'm glad I experienced this by myself. There's something about a mother and her child sharing the intense connection for the first time and having my moment was so important. The next day I experienced skin to skin and I cry thinking about it. Looking down at my daughter despite her tubes and cords she really looked cozy snuggled on my chest. We pulled the curtains and the nurse over Leila took some amazing photos for me.
Watching our family come and hold her was an overwhelming feeling. On my side I watched my family hold the very thing that was sent to heal my us. The grandmas first holds were the most special for me. This girl doesn't even know how special she is but she knows she's loved for sure! The day Kyle held her for the first time was so cute, he looked so nervous. He just kept saying she was cute ha ha.
I have a few friends that are soon to be moms and I can't wait to see them experience that first hold with their child. It is a feeling that can't really be explained, you just have to experience it for yourself.
My dad holding for the first time. He blessed her that day.
Grandma Kayleen 💙
Grandma Wai 💛
Daddy's first hold
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