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If you didn't catch that, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

They say that losing a child is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. That it effects the entire family and it is 100% accurate. After my family experienced our first death of a child last August it has effected each member of my family incredibly deep and significantly different. We are all on different roads of healing. Some can't be in the same room as a baby, others haven't held one since holding Zayley's lifeless body. 

My road took me on bumps and sharp corners and all of a sudden I realized I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy and I felt as though all of my progress on my personal development had vanished in a blink of an eye. I am extremely close to my brother Michael and watching him destroyed me and he'll never know how many times a day I prayed for him. I haven't ever wanted kids and I told everyone I would just be the "cool aunt" and I was content. I helped raise my brothers two girls for several years and I always said that they were all the kids I ever needed. Then I met my perfect Kyle.

We both decided we wanted to start our own little family and it kept not happening. It was a rough rollercoaster and thinking there was something wrong with either of us. The day after Z's funeral I didn't want one. I didn't want to hold anybody's children despite their age. I avoided babies and admired from afar as I would try to not cry. I get that made me seem rude to some who have either never experienced baby loss or who didn't know what had even happened. I went from someone who held all the babies and expressed that I wanted one to avoiding you and refusing to hold your baby. After lots of work to push through my fears and being surrounded by people who didn't care if I bawled my eyes out while I held your precious babies. I was starting to be okay with the thought of having one again. We continued our life with the knowledge that if it happened we were going to be happy and the night I found out I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was "thank you". 

When a family loses a baby the next one born is considered a "rainbow baby". I am carrying not only my first child but I am carrying the very thing that is meant to give my family great healing. I am incredibly blessed to have found Kyle who has always understood and who shows his excitement everyday!! The moment that this rainbow is born and my family is able to be in the room with great joy is what I am most looking forward to. What a perfect moment and perfect baby.

We will continue to share our excitement and blog my progress so make sure you follow along!! (:

After every storm there is a rainbow of hope. Ours is due September 27, 2018.