Friday, January 6, 2017

Opportunities for change

            I've enjoyed scrolling through my social media feeds and seeing what everyone's resolutions are for the new year. I normally scroll through and roll my eyes at what they are because we all know you won't keep them. I can't even keep them. I wanted try something new this year. I still liked everyone's ideas for change and rolled my eyes at the others but I can't break mine you see, I'm just going to spread positivity and love. I am going to be the best me I can be and if that means I start going to the gym...well, then I guess I'm getting double rewards. Although, I am currently sitting here at 9a.m drinking a red Mtn Dew so it's safe to assume diet was not on the list of being a better me ha ha.

         You know the saying "inhale positive exhale negatives" and "if you think positive thoughts and do positive things the universe will give it back to you"? I found that to be very true. You know my neighbor that's super grumpy and rude to everyone? The other day I was dusting off my Sequoia and she leaned out her door and called my name and said I could use her shovel to clear the space in my parking spots. She would have never done anything like that in the past. I am assuming she saw me get my little Honda really stuck and having to use cardboard I fished out of the dumpster as traction to get out. Have I mentioned how much I hate winter? Anyway, I said thank you and thought maybe she'd take that offer back so I didn't use the shovel the next day. I saw she placed it right in-between our houses so that clearly means I can use it right?? Ha ha.

       One day I was self analyzing everything I was doing with my life and making a list of things I wanted to work on and a big one was positive thoughts about others. When I see a fellow sister on the street or in the store my first thought isn't going to be whether or not her shoes are cute. Or what her weight is. I would look at how beautiful her smile is as she says hi to me. Or the way she talks to her children. I wouldn't avoid eye contact because if she actually was beautiful I would try to not compare myself to her. It was definitely a chore. I did think of mean things at first and then would quickly think of something positive but that negative comment is what stayed in my head. We are trained to be that way. We are trained to see in magazines or on T.V. what is perfect and if you don't look that way you are ugly and useless. But what they fail to tell us is that the figure we hail for perfection was actually just a normal person like you and me but got computerized in photo shop to create that perfect figure. So whoever I saw on the street and judged the way her pants sagged in the back instead of hugging her figure, that's what perfection is. I carry with me the thought of what I think is perfection and it's made seeing a person as they really are so much easier. I have found who I really am as well. Judging someone by their clothes or the way their face looks doesn't make you any better than they are. It just shows how ugly you are.

      Every morning I go to the bathroom and as I wash my hands I look in the mirror at my sleepy eyes, no concealer, bed head, and sometimes eye boogers and I pick what I love. I love my under eye today because that means I was able to finally sleep. -Do you know how rare that is?! The first 3 weeks I ran this new task if you may I cried. I cried because no, I didn't like the bags under my eyes, I didn't like how I looked with bed head. The way that I saw myself is a reflection of everything I have ever been told I was and believed. Some days my confidence was up and I could name more than 3 things I loved and other days I teared up and just didn't look in the mirror. One day I was in the bathroom battling myself because not only have I gone publically about all of these changes, I started it for me. And I knew I had to keep going for me. I said aloud " I am bea-" paused, "I need to trim my hair". No, no...no negatives. "I am beau-" tears streaming down my face I started thinking of all the things I needed to get done that day and how I didn't have time to do this. Kyle came into the bathroom to brush his teeth and said "you look beautiful babe" and then kissed my ear. I stood there in my oversized bed shirt, my hair knotted and moved to the side and he still saw the same girl I am with my hair done and makeup on. I'm an emotional person by nature but I probably sat on the toilet for a while just crying. Ever since then, I've kept that in mind and it's been a little easier to battle myself. And Kyle will never know the impact he made that day.

      Whatever it is that you choose to take away from this today, please understand that you are so perfect. If you don't think you're beautiful or worth it, I do. At work I get paid to make a difference in someone's life. And I would do it for free. Be the change. Lift one another up and do it because you believe society is wrong. I will always battle my inner demons but I pray that one day I will be able to win each time they tell me I won't be as perfect as my coworker, or that lady sitting next to me on the bus and all the more reason to make this resolution last forever. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me so I apologize if posts are a little all over the place. My mind has 29 streets running at the same time.

"I am powerful and strong."