Chapter 3 Ronald McDonald House

As I awaited getting discharged from the hospital I had gotten a referral from my doctor to stay at the Ronald McDonald house. Several years back when my niece Serina was in the hospital at PCH my brother was offered a stay at the House but unfortunately they were all full. My mom worked hard playing phone tag and making sure everything was set in stone by the time I got discharged. We gathered all of my things and away we went.

It had been a long day and we were both tired. I was wondering how LeiLani was doing and had wondered when I could go see her. My doctor from Logan had prescribed me a medication to help with my postpartum drama and getting it transferred to the pharmacy here successfully was very difficult. It finally came in and was ready and my mom was my hero as always as she fought for everything she knew I needed. We got checked in and was given a rather quick tour of the whole house and I just wanted to go to bed. Laura stopped by to give me a replacement bra since she bit the last one off of me during labor.

The house is big and is laid out like a hotel. There are four floors and a gorgeous kitchen. The first floor has the lobby and several couches to sit on. There's a giant fish tank full of large fish and each one has a name given by kids who have stayed there. Down the hall they have a gym, laundry room and a theatre room. They provide soap for laundry and have movie nights several times a week. The second floor has the kitchen and space for seating. Outside of the kitchen is set up like a living room with a fireplace and has some computers to use. The kitchen is equipped with stoves, ovens, refrigerators and cutlery. There is endless supplies of food that is donated from the Mormon food bank and other donations. Everything that goes into this place is purely from donations. It is amazing and it really is a home away from home.

They like to encourage a community based space so there are no T.V.'s in the bedrooms or food. You have free range to the whole house and I like to see families sitting together getting to know other families and their hospital stories. This place stretches to PCH so if you are there while your child is having surgery or something you can go down and get food or take a nap. Your key card that you use to get into your room is your access card to the hospital rooms as well.

During our tour I got a phone call from an unknown number and almost didn't answer because my phone was at 1% battery. I answered it anyway just in case and it was Primary Children's wanting my consent to admit LeiLani. I worried my phone would die while I was answering questions and thankfully it didn't. I missed the rest of the tour but would later explore alone. I am grateful for a place like this! A place where I can stay to be as close to my NICU babe as possible.

"The house that love built."

Chapter 2. Recovery and the transfer

After getting stitched up and having a moment to rest I was sent to recovery. I was still feeling high from labor but I am grateful they allowed me to get up and go see my daughter. Kyle wheeled me in and we were given a run down of scrubbing in, cleaning our phones and quick, strict rules. Only two people at the bedside at a time and either Kyle or I had to be present with whoever wanted to come back. We took our family back one by one so they could get a peek of our little honey inside her little box.

She was intubated right after birth and placed on a jet ventilator. Tele wires connected to her chest and abdomen to monitor her heart and respiratory rates. In her umbilical cord she had two lines in for IV's. She was encased in a bed that I referred to as the Snow White bed because I never grew up. The first time I saw her my eyes went straight to her hair and I gasped "babe her hair!" I admired her most perfect features and as my eyes traveled around seeing where all of the cords and tubes hooked up I suddenly felt heavy. I wanted to hold her and I wanted to hear her cry. We weren't allowed to touch her and I longed for when we would be able to. I've wondered why I wasn't able to go say goodbye to Zayley. What it was that urged me to stay home and get rest and I found my answer, and I will explain soon.

In our room Kyle and I were greeted by a very nice man. Dr. Yoder is phenomenal and those around him refer to him as Dr. Yoda. He came in to talk to us about a study he was a part of and during his presentation I fell asleep. He left some information papers and an agreement to sign. When I woke up I read through it, Kyle felt it would be nice to give it a shot and then we talked to my parents when they came in to see what they thought. We all agreed it was a nice idea and Kyle and I signed the form. It was a trial for a med I can't remember the name of anymore. Essentially they wanted to see if the med would help to avoid or replace ECMO. They would start the med and run it for 24 hours and then it would be over. If during the 24 hours Kyle and I decided we wanted them to stop they would stop. We had full control and I really liked that especially because so many other things were happening. They presented us with this because there was a high chance LeiLani would end up on ECMO. To be considered for the trial she had to be within a certain range of lung capacity and breathing and fell right into it. They started the med and had been running it for just a few hours and then LeiLani started to give extra breaths which is a great thing but also meant that she didn't qualify for the med any longer. About an hour later she regressed and the med was continued for the remainder of the 24 hours.

You know when you haven't gone to the gym in a while and you finally go and the whole time you're like "YEAH! I'm so fit!" Then the next day your body is dead? That's what my post labor recovery was. My legs were so sore it was hard to walk and my back and neck was incredibly stiff. I couldn't find a comfortable position on my bed and no amount of pillows aided to feeling better. I had a second degree tear that required stitching and I was so scared for my first pee. I heard horror stories about that first poop and all I kept thinking was "I just pushed a human out of my vagina I can do this". Sadly, that got me through a lot of things during recovery ha ha. I was given a stool softener every morning and night until I was discharged and that helped my life not be terrible.

Monday morning I was told I would be discharged and that LeiLani would be transferred to the Primary Children's NICU. My dad waltzed through the door and I told him if he wanted to see Leila soon he'd better hurry. We headed over to the NICU and they had already started getting her prepped for transfer. We sat outside and waited for them to come out so we could follow along. When they came out it was very intense and they communicated very clearly to each other and walked ever so slow. She was transported with the AirMed team. As we began to wheel out and the reality of everything I had been prepared for had sunken in I couldn't hold myself together. As we walked I kept thinking this isn't what I want I don't want this. I was supposed to just get pregnant and have a baby and then that was all. Go home and be a family just like so many others do. We got inside the elevators and went to the 1st floor and began maneuvering through groups of people coming in and out of the cafeteria area. I could feel all of their eyes on us and I wondered what they all must have been thinking. The University of Utah hospital and Primary Children's connect together through a sky hall to make transfers such as these as pain free as possible for both the patient and your wallet. We arrived at the NICU and were told we couldn't come back and just like that we were separated again.

 The very first photo of Princess Leila

 meeting Auntie Larissa for the first time

 Dad's first selfie. 😊

AirMed transferring my daughter to PCH. She's inside that box.

Chapter 1. Labor.

I haven't been the best at updating and sometimes I feel a lot of guilt even though I shouldn't. I am a new mother and my role comes with a lot of demanding features I wasn't expecting and some things have taken the back burner and I don't care. Anyway, this will be broken into chapters.

CHAPTER1 Labor..

I read many articles about first time mothers and what to expect. You can only prepare someone so far but ultimately, their story is theirs and will be different from what you experienced. I read a lot about how first time labors can be very simple. You go in, have the thing and then you're done. Bull. Shit. I knew I wouldn't carry to term. I played my last month day by day not making any huge plans or commitments. Work was hard and I tried to prepare as best as I could before I took leave. My last week of work I started labor.

I woke up early Monday morning and felt the rush of liquid and jolted out of bed thinking "it happened. I peed my bed." I went back into my room and couldn't find any wet spots on the bed. I woke up Kyle and said "I either peed myself or my water broke. There wasn't the smell of urine and that furthered my assumption it was my water. I texted my friend that lives across the street, as I do with all of my pregnancy concerns, asking what she thought. "Go to labor and delivery now!" Away we went.

I had a plan for delivery. It was to all be done at University of Utah hospital and not at Logan Regional. I explained my situation and asked if I would be okay to drive down I got a firm "no" and we continued my stay. I was poked about nine times trying to find a line for an IV. Two blown veins and immediate bruising we discussed the possibility of flying to SLC. More money I don't have so let's do it! My mom comes in like a bat out of Hell saying "what's going on why are you still here? Why aren't things moving along? What are you dilated at?" She wasn't pleasant with the nurses and I was extremely embarrassed. Despite the inability to find a vein they were very kind and took decent care of me. I was dilated a one and water was still in tact so they finally let me leave. So I guess I did pee myself. Fun.

We called down to the U and were instructed to stay as close to the hospital as possible in case my labor progressed quickly. Work started pulling strings to function for the coming days I'd be gone and I headed down to my sister Carrie's house in Far West. She started looking up things that help progress labor and decided I could use a walk. We walked together about 8,000 steps (I can't remember how many exactly) and I could feel my contractions come and go as we kept going. Monday night my contractions were terrible and I didn't get an ounce of sleep. I cried, I paced, and I tried to focus on my breathing. The next morning I slept roughly an hour and that was it. Carrie and Cam took me to Target so that I could get some things I'd need after delivery and the rest of the week. That evening we took a stroll through their neighborhood and I was finally tired enough to fall asleep. Again, I was up the whole night trying to cry quietly while my six year old nephew slept in the room next to me. I battled waking up my sister but my contractions were so close together I finally woke her up at about five. We drove to the hospital and by the time we got there magically my contractions stopped. I was still dilated a one and I looked like an idiot.

The next few nights were the same deal. We would call into labor and delivery and the nurse would tell us what to look for. I was spotting, had lost parts of my plug (I regret googling that) and was getting very stressed. We continued going in when contractions were consistent only to be told to go back home. Kyle came down Wednesday afternoon and consoled me as I screamed and cried everyday for the rest of the week. I was dilated a five by Thursday evening and I thought for sure I would get to stay. My contractions were consistent, LeiLani's heart rate was alarming and when the nurse came to tell me to go home I wailed "please do not send me home again". After refusing to get out of the bed to get dressed I was given a shot of Morphine and was told to take a Tylonal. Are you for real?? Cam paid for a hotel right next to the hospital and it was beautiful. I don't remember much of it but my mom said it was beautiful and I'll take her word for it. The Morphine made me sleepy and I recited my favorite parts of the Little Mermaid to my mom -which is the whole movie duh. I've never had Morphine before but apparently I spoke like a sloth.

I didn't make it through the first night not even to 3am. My mom took me in and this time we weren't leaving but we did and I was given a higher dose of Morphine while still dilated a five. That morning I slept for a few hours and woke up unable to move nor lay still it was miserable. I was crying out and began feeling nauseous so again we went back in. By the grace of God I was dilated a six and under the state of Utah apparently that's when you get admitted. I looked at Kyle and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I eagerly awaited for the charge nurse to come in. Kyle began updating our families and the nurse came in to tell us "Okay, you can be admitted but we don't have available rooms in labor and delivery". I said "are you fucking kidding me?" Kyle told my mom and she said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. A lovely nurse came in and said she would be putting my line in for an IV and I began to panic inside. She looked at my arms and said some choice things about Logan Regional that made me cry laugh. FIRST try she got it in and I was later wheeled into admission.

The adventure with my epidural was just that, an adventure. I worried my whole pregnancy about the epidural and swung back and forth debating whether or not I would get one. Turns out some of us have more bone and I am one of those people haha. Once it worked I was on cloud nine and as my contractions continued I slept. The time after that seemed to speed by and before I knew it she would be here.

I was surrounded by Kyle and his parents, my sisters Beth and Laura and my mom. Kyle's parents got a full dose of my family uncensored and I worried slightly they would not enjoy it. I say that because Laura literally bit off my bra in front of everyone because I was itching. She's a loving sister really. A few jokes and laughs later it was time to push out my rainbow. The doctor on call was amazing as she coached me through breathing and pushing. I was taken to the O.R. and an hour later LeiLani was here. There was a slight cry and then silence then she was placed on my stomach. Kyle cut the cord and made a joke about a garden hose and she was passed through the NICU window and that was my crash course into motherhood.

Self Reflect

As always I don't know how to feel today. I am always trying to figure out circumstances that happen. Why I feel the way I do about things and I end up rolling myself up into a ball of stress and more questions. I always tell people that it's okay to not have the answer today. It's okay to feel the way you feel today but why can't I take that advice? *insert chuckle* I am a Taurus that's why. I struggle to word this because it is one of those things that if you say it with your emotions you can't take it back. I struggle to word this without using my pregnancy hormones because they are a real thing. 

I am a generally happy human. I dream of positivity and I surround myself with people and items that make me truly happy. For instance, some will say my relationship with my mom is weird but she makes me so happy. I surround myself with so much work because I am serving others every single day and that's what brings me joy. I enjoy healing powers and stay tuned into my culture because that's where I found myself last year. And lastly, I tie myself to Kyle because he is everything. However, today I am feeling dispirited. I am a quick forgiver because I believe people are good. I am shallow for that but I genuinely think all people are good they just "messed up". I don't do well with disappointments and people letting me down and I rip myself apart when I disappoint another. I shell out second chances like they're free and I am always the one ending on my ass and looking stupid. 

I used to love alcohol. I loved parties and I loved socializing and unfortunately that's how I met my Kyle. The year that Bub passed I entered a slum of endless booze and suddenly it wasn't for the parties and social events. It was my escape. Kyle and I drank together a lot and for a while all our relationship was standing on were the empty bottles. His for his own reasons and mine for mine. Tying into the year that I changed my life for the better, taking all of the negative thoughts and turning my world into peace. I still drank more than I should but I started realistically looking at my future with Kyle and after breaking up twice we finally began to live life for each other and not for the horrible things others did to us. We were finally real. 

Overtime I released the bottles and came to a point where the smell got to me. I couldn't be around people who drank. The drunk walks weren't funny to watch and the way they slur wasn't admiring. I let everyone do their thing and I would go home, or I would schedule myself to work so I didn't have to be there. I was able to work through the reasons that made me want to drink myself asleep with an intense amount of work. I had to learn how to find my way to what made me most happy without using a bottle. I started going to work with a purpose because not thinking about myself for five hours each day was unexpectedly what I really needed. I do a lot of things that helps me stay sober and closer to who I know I am.

The catch is that just because you have found your sober vice in life doesn't mean everyone else has. The things that help you stay where you need to be balanced aren't the things that helps other people. Telling someone "just stop drinking. Be in this with me together" isn't going to do anything until they find what it is they're missing. It's the sad truth and the more you push for the way you want your lives to go the more it won't be that way. To be told you make someone want to drink is the most soul crushing thing you'll ever know. To be told you are part of that problem and not solution is extremely discouraging. Was your life a lie? Did I sweep so much under the rug when I got sober I forgot how to pick someone else up and help them? 

I know the next chapter of my life is the start of my journey as a mother. I can think that I have found answers to many of life's mysteries and maybe that's true. But truth be told, we as mothers don't know shit, we learn as we go. You teach your children to not bully others, you teach them to give back to the community and be someone they are proud of at the end of the day and that's all we can do. Leila will come face to face with a bottle of booze sometime in her life and that thought scares the Hell out of me. I can give her all the facts but she has to learn for herself. Thankfully a "you'll learn" is part of my personality trait but it still doesn't make it less frightening and I hope she is never told she drives someone to drink.

I have a lot to learn and still more to grow. I hope the people who I have ever made feel that they were immeasurable to me know that was not my intent. I am a firm believer in what I believe in and sometimes I make sure everyone knows even when they don't want to. I realize that aids in the ones I drive to do things they normally wouldn't if I just sat down. I was able to work through my problems without anyone over my head telling me how to do them and respectfully they have that right too. I am sorry for the way I have made you feel in the past and even today, it's a weakness I am working through. I decided that I am not going to waste my time getting people on my level who aren't ready. I don't like to be pushed either and maybe going it alone for a while is going to be exactly what I need.

One Year Later.

I feel so caught up in my baby drama that I haven't been taking care of myself. Funny how at the most important time of this particular year I wake up thinking "crap". July, August and September mark one year anniversaries. My grandma passed in July just two days before I flew to Australia. I missed her funeral but I will never forget the goodbye I was brave enough to have. I remember walking to the door and almost going home. A lot of people in my life have died and in some ways it makes me numb to know someone I love is dying. I felt different with my grandma and the whole time I was extremely uncomfortable but after I left I felt a wave of secure emotions and it was okay to mourn. The next morning she passed on.

I left to Australia and had the time of my life. Came back home the first week of August and things were starting to simmer. I was getting back into my work groove and my family was doing great. My 7 month old niece Zayley passed away after I received a phone call from my sister Beth. I was towards the last two hours of my grave shift and was preparing meds for my clients. She called to say that Z had been rushed to the hospital and wasn't sure if she was going to make it. In that moment I remember a panic feeling and the urge to run. I think I realized in that moment I live my life on survival mode. I called for coverage and bolted out the front door. I drove home without crying I just wanted to go home. The second I walked through our bedroom door and Kyle lifted up his head I just bawled. I don't remember if I was able to tell him anything I just remember almost screaming. I cried really hard for about 20 minutes and had even woken up Jodi in a panic. After crying I remember just sitting in silence unable to speak nor move. My sister Carrie called to let me know Zayley didn't survive and asked if I was going to come down and together we cried again. I received many other phone calls from each member of my family over the course of about two hours to make sure we were all okay. I had said I wasn't sure if I would make it down because on grave brain and news like this I shouldn't have been driving to Ogden. Something inside me told me I should for my brothers sake but something else urged me to stay home. I ended up finally falling asleep hours later and when I woke up there was about a two second time where I thought it didn't happen followed by a wave of 'oh yes it did'. My body felt extremely heavy and I couldn't move. I couldn't look at anyone and I didn't speak.

Today I am remembering these feelings in particular following my sisters Facebook post about my nephew last night. My family struggled with babies for what felt like forever. My sisters feared to touch another baby because all they saw were their own memories of holding Z one last time. Death affects everyone. And unfortunately something I never considered was how much death affects children. Zayley's sister Zoey is three. She'll be 4 in a few weeks and this has affected her. She has her own traumatic memories of what happened the morning my brother found his daughter. She remembers the screaming, the police and she remembers her sister didn't come home. She recently started opening up about it and panics everywhere my brother or mom take her in fear she will die there. My sweetest nephew thinks that my little babe is Zayley and he is SO excited for my baby shower on Saturday because he thinks Z is going to be there. All of my presents from everyone showed up at his house and he made sure Carrie was delicate with the boxes because he didn't want Zayley to not have any decorations for her room.

I use rainbows as a way of release. As a promise of tomorrow. I use rainbows because they only come after something tragic happens. After filth has been washed away it's a promise that your path will become clearer. Losing my niece was so hard and I can think I am past all of the anguish but that is just a lie. I have come to realize that my way of grieving is okay. I know we go through steps differently and I admittedly know why I never went down to say goodbye to Z. I watch my siblings replay that hospital room, replay their tears. I know 100% I couldn't come back from that. I still have moments where I'm back in the hospital saying goodbye to Bubba and it feels fresh and not that three years have passed. I remember how I felt driving to my sisters that night and sinking to the floor with my brother in law Cam. I couldn't do it again and I know it's okay that I couldn't.

I survived July and have survived two days of August. Next month I have one more hurtle to climb as I reach the year mark for my friend Jen. Anniversaries are always hard and so are birthdays. But I can't help but remember that through this mess I buried for a year I received my rainbow and she's coming right in the middle of all of this. Three anniversaries all together is really tough. But, it's a blessing that I can look forward to her because she was sent to me on purpose and that's a reason to celebrate life. I pray for my family daily and forget to pray for myself. I can't help but think that this tiny heavenly flower is going to bring more than just healing. I feel so strongly about her name!

the Strength of a Thousand Prayers

Most times I blog I cry. But, I am on cloud nine, my family is on cloud nine and I have clarity. There are two quotes I LOVE, "after every storm there is a rainbow of hope" and "no rainbow comes without a storm". The beautiful yet frustrating thing about rainbows is that they really don't exist without a storm. A storm being death or a high risk pregnancy. I have situational depression and July has been one of my hardest months this year. I sucked it up at work and shut down quite a few times. I avoided family and friends and somedays even Kyle. I'm not the only one going through this trial and I understand everyone is struggling but I am the one carrying her. I am the one who keeps her alive. It is my mood, my love and my strength that she will inherit and do you know how hard it is to stay above the storm each day not knowing?

I cleansed my crystals and I accepted everyone's prayers for us. Message after message from friends and family I don't talk to often. People I didn't even know were still connected through social media. All letting me know they loved me and were sending their support through whatever higher power they believed in. When you are in the deepest of your own despair you take the prayers, you say thanks and you carry on. It isn't until the prayers and thoughts are answered that you really understand what the power was meant for.

June 26th I saw a cardiologist for babe and the results were more than devastating. The hole between her two chambers was small but it was a hole none the less. "Just one more thing" I thought and later that night when I called Kyle that was exactly what he said. It's hard for techs to measure this girl and I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down. She's ALWAYS MOVING!! The cardiologist tried for about an hour to inspect her heart because he felt there was coarctation of the aorta which he had described as "thinning". But, because my child can't hold still he wasn't positive it was that and we would have to come back nearly a month later to ensure what he saw is in fact what he saw.

I woke up Friday morning and felt good. I felt really good. I said it was going to be a good day and I did that for me. It was payday, I paid my rent early and I didn't even think about the appointment but I knew if I was already happy I would be fine. I drove down and became anxious. I started sweating and I could feel my brain fuzz over. My sister has a heart defect and came to this appointment because she felt that what she has was hereditary and then of course my mom was there. I will warn you all, if you ever have to go do an echo just know that your appointment is super awkward and the techs don't say much to you. They are friendly but they don't say "okay now were looking at this chamber" or "oh look she's waving at you". They whisper and it makes you feel like oh my God somethings wrong...is something wrong? My mom said "isn't this cool?" and my sister goes "it would be a lot cooler if we knew what was going on." HA HA HA.

The doctor who saw us this time was different from the cardiologist I saw before and he was very friendly. When he finished he casually said "the hole has shrunk so small that I don't see the need for surgery. And I briefly got a great view of the problem we weren't sure about but there is nothing wrong with it". We were silent and he said "so that's good news!" So all of a sudden I realized life is full of those 'rainbows' I keep forgetting to remember I'll see when it's supposed to make sense. Other than the surgery to rearrange her organs and repair the hernia she won't need further surgeries.
*insert tears*

I am beyond grateful for my life. It has been far from perfect and I have known the taste of Hell. I also know the taste of Heaven because I was surrounded by exactly who I needed to be. All of the prayers, all of the ones who went out of their way to send a quick message just to say they were thinking of us carried me, Kyle and our baby so far. I can't speak for Kyle but I feel the love and support, thank you!

Next weekend is my first baby shower and then I can FINALLY start using her bloody name! I kept almost typing it ha ha.

Why me or try me.

Remember that one time a few years ago when I woke up and decided I'd take control of my life, face every demon and win? I find myself about two years later and I seem to have lost that momentum. I constantly find myself asking "why me" nearly everyday. Recently, I have asked "why her" and I realize today I am starting a bad habit for my child. No matter your opinions or what you believe, I believe 1000% that she can feel what I feel. She absorbs my energy and if I am currently feeling "why me" and anxiety filled so will she.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is where your diaphragm doesn't close, thus leaving a hole welcoming organs into your chest area. That is what our child has. That news has brought a lot of tears and from there quite literally things have felt as though it has just gone downhill. After being poked almost too many times I have Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I feel somewhat of an expert with diabetes as a few I am close to have both type 1 and 2. Unfortunately, Gestational Diabetes is a little different from that. I hung up the phone and of course bawled. Pregnancy sure has a way of making you feel helpless with your emotions. I fell into a depressive state where I was saying to myself, "what else", which obviously I have quickly learned not to ask.

I ventured down to Primary Children's in Salt Lake with my mom last week to my fetal echo appointment and I was feeling extremely flustered. I had to fill out an information sheet and they asked questions that I felt they already knew as I had answered these questions before on the phone. They are also on my medical chart. -They literally asked if I was pregnant. "That's why I'm here" was my answer. I was called back and handed my sheet to the nurse and apologized as she read down the sheet for my sarcastic answers. Her facial expression changed and all I could say was "pretty sure you already have this information so I'm sorry if it's too sarcastic. I can redo it." The nurse was nice and  just moved on. The highlight of the appointment was seeing my child. Seeing her heart beating, seeing her moving and seeing the sweet smile on my moms face as she kept saying "you always did that too". The appointment was quiet and I desperately wanted the techs from Logan back. They didn't explain things, they whispered amongst themselves and I just laid there like "now what". A towel was tossed onto me and I was asked to rub the sticky jelly off my belly and come into the conference room when finished. We got into the conference room and the doctor began explaining his findings. I realized quickly that was why they didn't explain things in the room because they wanted to formally talk to us after but telling me that was their plan would have been cool. A condition called Ventricular Septal Defect was found. Essentially a hole in her heart. Immediately every word after that didn't make it through. All I could think of was that's what else. My eyes kept welling and I shook my head vigorously "yes" as he explained things but couldn't take anything else in. "It's repairable" was said many times. WHY!? Literally, why? I left the appointment in tears. I sat in the bathroom for a while trying to get myself together. I envy the women who get to enjoy their pregnancy. I feel angry.

The next day I had my first MRI and thought I wasn't going to fit all the way in there. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic! I felt snug enough I actually almost fell asleep. If it wasn't for the noisy machine I probably would have. We later met surgeons and NICU nurses and they were so friendly. They loaded us all with information and then asked if we had any questions. So glad I took my mom because she had several. She's never been afraid to speak up. Any questions that were asked were valued and explained in as much detail as possible. There was one NICU nurse that elaborated, for me anyway, what the doctors were saying in a language we understood. I think she's done this before. I felt fine and only thought about Kyle. I got home after a quiet ride in the car and just sat on the couch feeling so overwhelmed. The depressive state kept coming and I just laid in bed. I ignored nearly all the messages I had received that night and didn't call my sister even though I told her I would.

I thought, you got the wrong girl for this. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I was sure I couldn't handle it and I am still struggling. It comes in waves and like I said, It's all about my positive energy. The following morning I messaged my bestie Jae and desperately asked for something to make me calm. Anything. She's into crystals and meditation and will be so perfect as baby's godmother. She took me to a health store and we walked around. I wasn't all in and had no idea what these things do if they worked. I was desperate to hold on to any hope. She did some things that I thought was really odd at first until it panned out and I will say, my child never kicked harder than when I held onto the crystals that I took home. They were exactly what I needed. She's going to be a Libra so I grabbed a baggie of mixed crystals I will give to her when she is ready. You can roll your eyes and say what you want about this but whatever helps you see the positive side of every situation I say do it.

Her hospital stay is projected at least 2 months pending surgeries etc. There may be more. I can't believe the outpour of love and support these last few days. From people I would never expect. God, this is so hard.

Things are always supposed to suck. How can you know Heaven if you don't know what Hell feels like? I need to understand that feeling my emotions is okay. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is okay. Needing a day where no one calls me is okay. But I have to utilize the strength I worked hard to have these last few years to be positive. To be able to teach my daughter that although life quite literally stomps you, you always have the option to be the one who gets up. My greatest trial is maintaining my positivity and thankfulness that I woke up today and that she is still alive. Hers will be learning that her strength outweighed every negative outcome. Someone with so many "problems" hasn't slowed down. Heartbeat is amazing, she says hi to me with some jabs. She is queen and why I feel so strongly the name we chose. Second hint - middle name starts with an R and is named after the first most important woman in my world. <3