This is me uncensored.: Chapter 2. Recovery and the transfer

After getting stitched up and having a moment to rest I was sent to recovery. I was still feeling high from labor but I am grateful they allowed me to get up and go see my daughter. Kyle wheeled me in and we were given a run down of scrubbing in, cleaning our phones and quick, strict rules. Only two people at the bedside at a time and either Kyle or I had to be present with whoever wanted to come back. We took our family back one by one so they could get a peek of our little honey inside her little box.

She was intubated right after birth and placed on a jet ventilator. Tele wires connected to her chest and abdomen to monitor her heart and respiratory rates. In her umbilical cord she had two lines in for IV's. She was encased in a bed that I referred to as the Snow White bed because I never grew up. The first time I saw her my eyes went straight to her hair and I gasped "babe her hair!" I admired her most perfect features and as my eyes traveled around seeing where all of the cords and tubes hooked up I suddenly felt heavy. I wanted to hold her and I wanted to hear her cry. We weren't allowed to touch her and I longed for when we would be able to. I've wondered why I wasn't able to go say goodbye to Zayley. What it was that urged me to stay home and get rest and I found my answer, and I will explain soon.

In our room Kyle and I were greeted by a very nice man. Dr. Yoder is phenomenal and those around him refer to him as Dr. Yoda. He came in to talk to us about a study he was a part of and during his presentation I fell asleep. He left some information papers and an agreement to sign. When I woke up I read through it, Kyle felt it would be nice to give it a shot and then we talked to my parents when they came in to see what they thought. We all agreed it was a nice idea and Kyle and I signed the form. It was a trial for a med I can't remember the name of anymore. Essentially they wanted to see if the med would help to avoid or replace ECMO. They would start the med and run it for 24 hours and then it would be over. If during the 24 hours Kyle and I decided we wanted them to stop they would stop. We had full control and I really liked that especially because so many other things were happening. They presented us with this because there was a high chance LeiLani would end up on ECMO. To be considered for the trial she had to be within a certain range of lung capacity and breathing and fell right into it. They started the med and had been running it for just a few hours and then LeiLani started to give extra breaths which is a great thing but also meant that she didn't qualify for the med any longer. About an hour later she regressed and the med was continued for the remainder of the 24 hours.

You know when you haven't gone to the gym in a while and you finally go and the whole time you're like "YEAH! I'm so fit!" Then the next day your body is dead? That's what my post labor recovery was. My legs were so sore it was hard to walk and my back and neck was incredibly stiff. I couldn't find a comfortable position on my bed and no amount of pillows aided to feeling better. I had a second degree tear that required stitching and I was so scared for my first pee. I heard horror stories about that first poop and all I kept thinking was "I just pushed a human out of my vagina I can do this". Sadly, that got me through a lot of things during recovery ha ha. I was given a stool softener every morning and night until I was discharged and that helped my life not be terrible.

Monday morning I was told I would be discharged and that LeiLani would be transferred to the Primary Children's NICU. My dad waltzed through the door and I told him if he wanted to see Leila soon he'd better hurry. We headed over to the NICU and they had already started getting her prepped for transfer. We sat outside and waited for them to come out so we could follow along. When they came out it was very intense and they communicated very clearly to each other and walked ever so slow. She was transported with the AirMed team. As we began to wheel out and the reality of everything I had been prepared for had sunken in I couldn't hold myself together. As we walked I kept thinking this isn't what I want I don't want this. I was supposed to just get pregnant and have a baby and then that was all. Go home and be a family just like so many others do. We got inside the elevators and went to the 1st floor and began maneuvering through groups of people coming in and out of the cafeteria area. I could feel all of their eyes on us and I wondered what they all must have been thinking. The University of Utah hospital and Primary Children's connect together through a sky hall to make transfers such as these as pain free as possible for both the patient and your wallet. We arrived at the NICU and were told we couldn't come back and just like that we were separated again.