One Year Later.

I feel so caught up in my baby drama that I haven't been taking care of myself. Funny how at the most important time of this particular year I wake up thinking "crap". July, August and September mark one year anniversaries. My grandma passed in July just two days before I flew to Australia. I missed her funeral but I will never forget the goodbye I was brave enough to have. I remember walking to the door and almost going home. A lot of people in my life have died and in some ways it makes me numb to know someone I love is dying. I felt different with my grandma and the whole time I was extremely uncomfortable but after I left I felt a wave of secure emotions and it was okay to mourn. The next morning she passed on.

I left to Australia and had the time of my life. Came back home the first week of August and things were starting to simmer. I was getting back into my work groove and my family was doing great. My 7 month old niece Zayley passed away after I received a phone call from my sister Beth. I was towards the last two hours of my grave shift and was preparing meds for my clients. She called to say that Z had been rushed to the hospital and wasn't sure if she was going to make it. In that moment I remember a panic feeling and the urge to run. I think I realized in that moment I live my life on survival mode. I called for coverage and bolted out the front door. I drove home without crying I just wanted to go home. The second I walked through our bedroom door and Kyle lifted up his head I just bawled. I don't remember if I was able to tell him anything I just remember almost screaming. I cried really hard for about 20 minutes and had even woken up Jodi in a panic. After crying I remember just sitting in silence unable to speak nor move. My sister Carrie called to let me know Zayley didn't survive and asked if I was going to come down and together we cried again. I received many other phone calls from each member of my family over the course of about two hours to make sure we were all okay. I had said I wasn't sure if I would make it down because on grave brain and news like this I shouldn't have been driving to Ogden. Something inside me told me I should for my brothers sake but something else urged me to stay home. I ended up finally falling asleep hours later and when I woke up there was about a two second time where I thought it didn't happen followed by a wave of 'oh yes it did'. My body felt extremely heavy and I couldn't move. I couldn't look at anyone and I didn't speak.

Today I am remembering these feelings in particular following my sisters Facebook post about my nephew last night. My family struggled with babies for what felt like forever. My sisters feared to touch another baby because all they saw were their own memories of holding Z one last time. Death affects everyone. And unfortunately something I never considered was how much death affects children. Zayley's sister Zoey is three. She'll be 4 in a few weeks and this has affected her. She has her own traumatic memories of what happened the morning my brother found his daughter. She remembers the screaming, the police and she remembers her sister didn't come home. She recently started opening up about it and panics everywhere my brother or mom take her in fear she will die there. My sweetest nephew thinks that my little babe is Zayley and he is SO excited for my baby shower on Saturday because he thinks Z is going to be there. All of my presents from everyone showed up at his house and he made sure Carrie was delicate with the boxes because he didn't want Zayley to not have any decorations for her room.

I use rainbows as a way of release. As a promise of tomorrow. I use rainbows because they only come after something tragic happens. After filth has been washed away it's a promise that your path will become clearer. Losing my niece was so hard and I can think I am past all of the anguish but that is just a lie. I have come to realize that my way of grieving is okay. I know we go through steps differently and I admittedly know why I never went down to say goodbye to Z. I watch my siblings replay that hospital room, replay their tears. I know 100% I couldn't come back from that. I still have moments where I'm back in the hospital saying goodbye to Bubba and it feels fresh and not that three years have passed. I remember how I felt driving to my sisters that night and sinking to the floor with my brother in law Cam. I couldn't do it again and I know it's okay that I couldn't.

I survived July and have survived two days of August. Next month I have one more hurtle to climb as I reach the year mark for my friend Jen. Anniversaries are always hard and so are birthdays. But I can't help but remember that through this mess I buried for a year I received my rainbow and she's coming right in the middle of all of this. Three anniversaries all together is really tough. But, it's a blessing that I can look forward to her because she was sent to me on purpose and that's a reason to celebrate life. I pray for my family daily and forget to pray for myself. I can't help but think that this tiny heavenly flower is going to bring more than just healing. I feel so strongly about her name!