Most times I blog I cry. But, I am on cloud nine, my family is on cloud nine and I have clarity. There are two quotes I LOVE, "after every storm there is a rainbow of hope" and "no rainbow comes without a storm". The beautiful yet frustrating thing about rainbows is that they really don't exist without a storm. A storm being death or a high risk pregnancy. I have situational depression and July has been one of my hardest months this year. I sucked it up at work and shut down quite a few times. I avoided family and friends and somedays even Kyle. I'm not the only one going through this trial and I understand everyone is struggling but I am the one carrying her. I am the one who keeps her alive. It is my mood, my love and my strength that she will inherit and do you know how hard it is to stay above the storm each day not knowing?
I cleansed my crystals and I accepted everyone's prayers for us. Message after message from friends and family I don't talk to often. People I didn't even know were still connected through social media. All letting me know they loved me and were sending their support through whatever higher power they believed in. When you are in the deepest of your own despair you take the prayers, you say thanks and you carry on. It isn't until the prayers and thoughts are answered that you really understand what the power was meant for.
June 26th I saw a cardiologist for babe and the results were more than devastating. The hole between her two chambers was small but it was a hole none the less. "Just one more thing" I thought and later that night when I called Kyle that was exactly what he said. It's hard for techs to measure this girl and I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down. She's ALWAYS MOVING!! The cardiologist tried for about an hour to inspect her heart because he felt there was coarctation of the aorta which he had described as "thinning". But, because my child can't hold still he wasn't positive it was that and we would have to come back nearly a month later to ensure what he saw is in fact what he saw.
I woke up Friday morning and felt good. I felt really good. I said it was going to be a good day and I did that for me. It was payday, I paid my rent early and I didn't even think about the appointment but I knew if I was already happy I would be fine. I drove down and became anxious. I started sweating and I could feel my brain fuzz over. My sister has a heart defect and came to this appointment because she felt that what she has was hereditary and then of course my mom was there. I will warn you all, if you ever have to go do an echo just know that your appointment is super awkward and the techs don't say much to you. They are friendly but they don't say "okay now were looking at this chamber" or "oh look she's waving at you". They whisper and it makes you feel like oh my God somethings wrong...is something wrong? My mom said "isn't this cool?" and my sister goes "it would be a lot cooler if we knew what was going on." HA HA HA.
The doctor who saw us this time was different from the cardiologist I saw before and he was very friendly. When he finished he casually said "the hole has shrunk so small that I don't see the need for surgery. And I briefly got a great view of the problem we weren't sure about but there is nothing wrong with it". We were silent and he said "so that's good news!" So all of a sudden I realized life is full of those 'rainbows' I keep forgetting to remember I'll see when it's supposed to make sense. Other than the surgery to rearrange her organs and repair the hernia she won't need further surgeries.
*insert tears*
I am beyond grateful for my life. It has been far from perfect and I have known the taste of Hell. I also know the taste of Heaven because I was surrounded by exactly who I needed to be. All of the prayers, all of the ones who went out of their way to send a quick message just to say they were thinking of us carried me, Kyle and our baby so far. I can't speak for Kyle but I feel the love and support, thank you!
Next weekend is my first baby shower and then I can FINALLY start using her bloody name! I kept almost typing it ha ha.
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