Rainbows and Tomorrow

I sit here in a semi dark kitchen listening to Evening Esence (childhood joke). It is quiet with soft sounds of bubbles in the fish tank. My heart keeps sinking and my stomach is in countless knots as I strive to regain control from this weekend. I begin to cry and with my quivering chin I struggle to remember why I even started this. I long for the sound of a bedroom alarm, small giggles and fingers running along the wall. Around this time (3:30am) is when this happens and sets me into a new wind to make it through another overnight shift. I don't hear that this time and I have to remind myself why. As I sit here typing, the tears won't stop and most of me doesn't care. These are tears that have loved. I begin to sob and immediately place my hands over my mouth to minimize the sound escaping to not wake the others. I silently beg for comfort. It's too quiet in here and I wish I could wake up. And the cruel truth is I am awake and this really is happening.

August 26th my whanau lost one of our own and exactly four weeks later I would lose another. I wish there was a "life book" you could read so you knew what was coming. If I would have known, I would have held you longer before I left the house. I would have done everything slower to selfishly soak up more time. I would have given you all of the candy you asked for and played Witch one more time but I didn't. We can wish for everything we want to but life is that. Life. I remind myself everyday that life is happening for me. Stones are placed in my way to guide me but I really feel this stone was unnecessary. But with all the stones I have said that about before have shown me why they were there.

My sweet, I can't forget the laugh that instantly brought giggles from everyone else in the room. The perfectly timed giggles. The hearts you changed, mine especially. You are so perfect and I will always remember the way you held my face when you knew it was me. How you could pull off turtle neck sweaters like a boss. You made everything look good. I now love pumpkins more because of you. Halloween will always be sweeter than it ever was because Halloween was you. You taught me patience I never knew was within me. I will cherish the small things for they hold the most importance for me.


It's hard to say goodbye to so many and I feel like I have some to spare. I feel more peace knowing who my angels are and they will never leave me. How great will MY welcome home be when my time comes?

Believe