My Sweet Bubba.

As most or all of you know, I lost my other half April 1st. That was 3 months ago. WOW!!! I know that Bubba was a friend or even "best" friends with you...but I am going to tell you why he was MY best friend.

I could write you a list as long as this blog will allow, I could also tell you a million stories. To some, a thousand stories would be just OK. (: Instead I will share my favorites. 

Bubba and I met at the Swagers house, a family friend. Jodi was kind of the neighborhood mom..she still kind of is...just from a distance now. We did lots of things together as a group. Mostly setting random shit on fire, sitting on the roof to stargaze and creating friendships to last a lifetime. Bubba held me in the basement one day as we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up...and then Hellogoodbye's "Here In Your Arms" came on his ipod (that should set a general date) and he lifted my chin and kissed me. And yes, I was super awkward about it. He told me I was adorable and then took me home. 

We used to go to Ridley's in Hyrum and get sodas. All of us. But one day, it was just me and Bubba...since we kissed we kinda became one person, always together. Anyway, we got our drinks and he walked over to the quarter machine and said "because your favorite color is green, I am going to win you this green necklace". I laughed because there were like 6 different colors in there but sure enough 50 cents later and I had a green necklace. He put it on me and I told him I'd never take it off. We got to the car and I took it off...it was magnetic and kept pulling my hair. I still have that necklace, and it sits right by my favorite picture of us.

My sister got married in 2010 and Bubba was my date. No one really knew Bubba very well but I knew he'd fit right in so I took him as my date. He got there and when my sister Laura saw him she says "wait, YOU'RE Bubba??" Bubba says, "yeah, you're Laura right?" she says, "Oh my God, I thought you would be like WAY black. But you're not" My sister Carrie, the one who just got married, snaps "Laura!" and Bubba just laughed. Carrie probably apologized 30+ times. But Laura was Bub's favorite after that.

My mom decided one day that she wanted to repaint (for the 3rd time that summer) the office room. So, she recruited Bubba and myself. So, we start painting I got paint ALL OVER myself! So, then I painted his butt and then we both decided 30 min in that we both hate painting and wanted to play outside instead. So, we go outside and there's like a thousand ants on my moms front step. So, Bubba grabs my dad's gas can and says "feeling murderous with me love?" to which I pull out a lighter...we were ALWAYS on the same page. Long story short...we almost lit the whole porch on fire, and we killed a lot of ants. HAHA 

My mom had breast cancer a few years back and I remember I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. No one deserved to send flowers or they're pitty upon my family. I was 14, a brat, and I had just lost 2 best friends within a 4 year span. I pushed Bubba away one day and he came to my house, and knocked on my bedroom door until I opened it. Once I did I just remember two big arms surround me and I fell to the ground and sobbed. He held me for what felt like an hour. He literally gave the BEST hugs! I miss those the most. Then, while my whole family dealt with my moms chemo and even my Aunt Larni flying in from Australia Bubba was there 24/7 making sure my mom had everything she needed...if she needed help with getting things. He was perfect. He was really good at making everyone feel stress free. 

For my birthday one year Bubba went out and bought me purple Converse shoes and him orange ones. Then, he switched the laces so I opened my box and there were purple shoes with orange laces and his were purple. Then, we played video games and hung out with friends. 

************************************************************** 

 I could go on forever but those are the ones that came to mind tonight. Now, Bubba and I dated on and off for over 8 years. Every time that it didn't work out we didn't even talk about it. Like I said, we were just always on the same page and continued being each others favorite friend. He was and is literally my whole soul. We connected on day one before we even spoke to each other. I hope that each of you reading this gets to feel that someday. I always thought it was a myth but my God, it's for real and it is so scary. After Bubba's cancer, he became very depressed. So much that he even pushed me away and there was nothing that I could do about it. Then, one day, he found his way back to me and it was almost as if he had never left. But that was probably the worst year without him. He kept me updated about the trials of his last days and I spent every single day with him and most of the time it was just watching him sleep while we watched Archer with the caption on. We have a bucket list with 2 things crossed off. The next item was to see Bo Burnham live, and then go to Kansas to stay with Aunt Lisa. The thing that tears me apart from the inside out is that I didn't get a "Bubba" hug before he left me. 

If you're wondering, I admit to avoiding this altogether. I literally couldn't even cry in private. I just didn't want to deal with it. I felt sad everyday, I missed him everyday, but it was different. People around me cried at the drop of a hat. But I didn't. I have been in shock for a long time. I suppose it has all been building up inside because today I woke up and went to text him and the message couldn't be sent and then I was like, "oh my God" crawled out of bed and threw up. Then, I cried every 15 minutes and then threw up again. So, I'm guessing I'm not in shock anymore. Around 3pm I felt a rage I haven't felt in a long time. I threw things and broke a few things and screamed his name a couple times. And the worst part was that all I wanted to do was call him and talk to him about it. My soul is missing...and lately I haven't been feeling  like myself at all. I have anxiety when I'm asked to attend social events, or hangouts. It literally takes all I have to say "yes", and leave my house. I have a new love and quite possibly ruined it because with all of this built up emotion I started letting it out this weekend and welp...the rest is probably history.

I am so grateful to first, Bubba's Grandma Jane, who I hope is reading this...I love you so much. Bubba loved you so much. And I want to thank you for every phone call, private message, letting me build a garden with you and G, and making me laugh until we both snort. You are the best new friend I could ever ask for and I know he is just over the moon that we are keeping in touch. You were going to be my Grandma someday and now you kinda are. Grandma let a few of us go through Bubba's room and keep things that meant the most to us. If I had my way, I would have kept it all...but, like I said earlier...some of you were his best friend too. (; the things that I did keep are my favorite things...I got to keep his orange pair of Converse with the purple laces. I will always do my very best to keep him alive inside of me. We really were soulmates and I feel him next to me every day. I just have to get passed the crying every 15 minutes. 

One more story before I go, 

Back in March this year I took Bubba to Wal-Mart so that he could get some stuff. I tend to drag my feet at times and because Bubba had gone deaf, he didn't know just how loud he was talking when he said "pick. up. your. feet." hahah so, I went to "shush" him and shocked him. So, throughout Wal-Mart we played the "shocking game" except when I say we I mean me. He wasn't wearing Vans. After the store, we went to Betos (as always), went back to his house and cuddled on the couch watching Archer and of course he fell asleep.

Warrior

*For the young ones who e-mail me about your life struggles and triumphs, I owe this to you. For my loves, friends and family, I owe you my success. May you never feel alone and after reading this I sincerely hope one day you find peace and know that you are never alone. <3

I have put this off for as long as I have started this blog. But, when something consumes not only you but your soul....you're doing something wrong. I also understand that after reading this you too will say that I need to see someone about my problems. However, blogging has been the best therapy I have ever had. Just when I think I'm only doing it for me, I receive an e-mail. So, lets begin...

Back in 2006 I was just like the rest of you, trying to figure out how to "gracefully" blossom into someone not quite labeled as "the youth" that I was the year before. I was turning 13 and still had the rest of my life ahead of me. I was the girl you didn't want meeting your parents....girl or boy..I was raised to speak my mind but remain respectful, as adults knew more than I did. With that, I had several "secret" friends. And now, looking back, I know they were just ashamed they couldn't find anyone better. **You were no better than me. No higher. Still are at the bottom with me**

I managed to make one friend, a friend who just....got it. Who never judged me, never told me i'd get nowhere. Instead, she helped me prove myself to not only her parents, but to me the kind of person I should be. (she told her parents I was a saint, but they knew better). After a series of what would be considered "unfortunate events" but were really a cake walk compared to what was to come, her parents let us be friends. And God, can I just say, I MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP. Anyway, we planned for months to have this sleepover, because when you're 13, sleepovers are a must! “Beavis and Butthead” and “10 Things I Hate About you” and we were asleep. Also, before I go on, I must tell you she had a blood brother and a step brother. If I were fortunate enough to receive a pamphlet on unfortunate events or, people to stay away from.....the step brother would be front page. In bold letters. Anyway, after our movies, we were asleep..at least she and I were.

Now, if you are on the edge of your seat waiting for me to tell you what happens next, turns out, im still not ready to tell the whole story. 10 years later and I still cant bring myself to say the word. However, I will say, even though I was not fully penetrated, I was affected enough to be scarred. Scarred and scared, for anyone to touch me, or even look at me. I mean, I just made this friend and let’s face it…her parents weren't all super fond of me. How would you have handled this? Confusion, shame, fear….how would I be able to tell anyone without them thinking “oh, she deserved it, she led him on” Don’t worry, those thoughts ran through my head. I didn’t even tell my parents. I did though, after about a week, tell my friend what happened…and you know, hormones make you do crazy things…she told everyone when he made her mad. Which made me fall enemy.

I am going to fall victim here but when does a girl EVER need to be treated like a whore? Like it’s her fault? How about you accept the fact your son is the blame and APOLOGIZE?!! nope, she had to switch all classes the following school year. We were not allowed to speak to each other until one day I took a stand and told her parents in all of its gory details what happened and well, what do you know? Someone showed up on my doorstep who really wanted every single juicy detail for their tape record of how I felt, what I did and didn't like….wait, I was supposed to like it?? Did I mention I did this in front of my horrified parents who, for 3 months had absolutely NO IDEA this even happened?? They just thought I lost a friend. And now that I have kids I can only imagine how they felt. I was given the option to receive help (therapy) and or press charges. I’M 13!!! What does that even mean???? I just wanted to know he had died and that I could have my friend back. Unfortunately, that’s not how life goes. EVER. SMH. The one time I would have liked my dad to interfere, he simply asked me if I wanted to testify and of course I said no. So, with that they let him off the hook. He was taken out of school and sent all the way across town where I would never have to “see” him again.

A few years later, I am now greeting high school. In this time, 2 friends have died. I love my parents but, I hate EVERYONE else. Everyone. I befriend someone and whilst being “bfff’s” I spill my life story (this included) and mortify her.  But, guess what? She dates him, after everything I say, she dates him. And then years later, they marry and she stops being my friend, and then they have a baby boy together. After spending a lot of time scratching my head at what just happened, I realize…never did I get an “I’m sorry” “Are you OK”? From him, his parents, or well, anyone. And I think to this day that is what is holding me back.

After 10 years, I have gotten nothing and you know what? I still get the “fuck you” eye from his mom and Oh, if any of you know me that just fuels my rage. One day, when the purge is legal, I’m coming for you. :D and I smile because I am a bitch and I have learned to accept that I ain't changing my thoughts, views or hatred for you. You will die. And I will smile.

I've been given the ability to dream things that may or may not happen in real life. My mom does it and considers it a gift. I on the other hand don’t. I can’t get past the thought of me seeing someone do something or know something about them and consider that a gift. It’s too weird. I will say that in recent dreams, I get a play by play of what you did. And I say this directly to you, in hopes that you read this someday. I remember what you did, and I have not forgotten. And in my dreams, I kill you. I. Kill. You. You will pay for this and you may live across from my parents, but, I have my eyes on you every day, I know what you do and you will get nowhere near my girls. I have made myself a warrior. You can't touch me now.

*anyone who has or even may suffer this…you aren’t alone. This is a daily struggle for me. I live with the shame every day of my life. I used to dream I could die so that I wouldn’t feel this way. Without this, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I am still here so that I could be there for you. Keep sending me e-mails. And friends reading this, you continue to be my inspiration and I owe you every ounce of success I gain in life. I <3 you.

My next chapter in life, exhaling negativity and fear, and inhaling success and love.

Kia Kaha (stay strong).

aaaaand I'm STILL single

I always try to avoid these posts. I did it once before and I deleted it after I swore to not only you, but to myself I would keep it.. I love to talk about myself when there is something good to say. Like, I got a raise, or, someone came to visit me. You know, something like that. When it comes to my feelings, or the fact that I'm single I shut down.

I stripped myself for you before and talked about my past a little in another post and I didn't get as much backlash as I thought I would. I get a lot of e-mails telling me that I need to open up more or that I need to tone it down. Well, fuck off please (:

'Tiss the season for:

• family
• couples to do cute things
• kissing under the mistletoe
• caroling
• late night cuddles (or whatever your into) by a lit fire

Last year I wanted to do a Christmas card because I thought it would be funny to flaunt that I was single and that it was okay for a single girl to send a Christmas card of my pretty self. I didn't get them printed in time so I didn't get to share them. So, this year I told myself I would do it. But, the closer that it gets to Christmas I grow more and more aware that I am going to die alone. I know, far fetched and a little off track...Hear me out, I love being in love. I love love. I want that again. So, what would you do if you opened up a Christmas card and it was of me with a bottle of wine...you'd laugh right? I mean it's hysterical, but just remember, you're laughing at my pain and will go to hell for that <3

I'll be honest...again...I love my family with all of my heart and soul. But, I'm the only single kid. Like seriously I have no one that I can call real quick and ask to pretend they are my boyfriend while I awkwardly eat food with them and their perfect mini families. And if your mind went to Bubba then you're an idiot...I can't pretend to date him my family isn't stooopid. But how sad is that? The only single kid and I have to make someone PRETEND to date me. Like, they don't even want to date me in real life I have to like coax them with promised food or something.

Last week me and my roommate watched "the Holiday" you know the one with sexy Jude Law, and Cameron Diaz? It was such a cute movie and I made it through without crying because thanks to my roommate being single also, we just laughed instead of crying. So, then on Friday night I got really drunk by myself and was like "I wanna watch a Christmas movie. And I want to watch 'the Holiday' because I'm a fucking idiot and think all things bad are good ideas" Yeah, I cried THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE. If you haven't seen it, hurry and watch it...if you are not dying alone you will love it. If you are single and not happy about that then I suggest you probably don't watch it A. alone and B. drunk. <--You're welcome. If you have seen it then you know who I relate to..Iris, who is played by the beautiful Kate Winslet. I too am in love with someone and I know he knows it. It's almost been a year of this and I push him to the side to try and move on and then somehow I just pretend that I didn't do that and then call him. It's pathetic and it makes us strong girls look fuckin weak. And my mom would tan my hide if she knew I was prancing around a boy waiting for him to say "Annie, I'm a fool. I love you." and then boom we live happily ever after...ha ha because that's how it works right all you non single people??

I fear I will never move on from him. He'd probably appreciate that. Except I can't. So, here I stand...or prance....and there I will stay. I used to think it was just lust because this guy is like oober sexy and scraggly sometimes and absolutely perfect so I mean any girl would lust after him. But, we spend a decent-ish amount of time together. and when we are not together we are using other means of communication and I just keep falling deeper and deeper...Fuck me right?

So, maybe I'll still send out that Christmas card. And maybe you will laugh at my single lady pain. But, I will make it fucking worth it. Funny caption...and I'll be very drunk.


From, me to....your perfect family. Merry fucking Christmas, Bitches.

Christmas (this is for you, Kari)

So this one time I was working a grave and had this thought..."I'm gonna blog". Once I got on here I had literally NOTHING to blog about...I always have something to say..So, I snapped a friend and asked for inspiration....and this is what she gave me to work with..Christmas. HAHA

Last time I blogged about Christmas I was drunk and ranting about all the Ba-Humbugs I feel every year..Brace yourself, it's back ha ha.

*All things to hate about Christmas:

• Crowded Stores
• Mean people
• Greedy people
• Crying kids
• Santa
• Long Lines
• Snow
• Cold
• People fight more
• No ones ever pleased
• You get fat
• You have to work on Christmas

All of those reasons would make anyone a Ba-Humbug. Dwelling on things that are negative will not make your Christmas any better. But it might make it worse. So, since making that list didn't bring the Christmas spirit into me I will write a list of.....

*All things to LOVE about Christmas:

• Awesome Sales
• Presents
• Singing/Caroling
• Yummy food selections
• Family
• Holiday Booze
• Desserts
• Christmas lights
• Christmas Tree
• My kids
• Crying kids (because even though it's annoying I still laugh)
• Sledding
• Sleeping in
• Holiday pay
• My grandma's Christmas party
• BINGO
• Games

So, that brought out some Christmas cheer inside of me. Notice how the second list has more shiz? Anyway, It's really easy to look at stuff that would teeter on the negative side and make it that much easier to fill your soul with holiday hate..I guess I am just used to not liking the holidays because I literally HATE snow. I hate being cold and I think Santa is a giant white bearded pervert. However, since he's not real (i hope your parents told you) Christmas is for family and obviously Jesus the Christ. 

Happy Holidays Bitches

<3 Annie

P.s. Kari, thank you for inspiring me to inspire others. I love you.

Momma's Girl

All of us have a preferred (or go to) parent, mine is my mother. I've always been a "momma's girl" but in recent years she's been my number 1! Anything I need she's right there. While she plays the "fun mom" most of the time she can switch to the "mom mom card" in the same second REAL fast which helps balance our relationship and remind me that she's still my mom and will have no problem telling me when I am just full of shit.

My mom asked me earlier this year if I wanted to save some money and go with her back home (back home=Australia) with her. Of course I said yes. Then I sat down for my finances and then realized I couldn't afford it. Instead I bought a car. So, now my mom is going without me and for 4 months. That's 17 weeks...121 days....that's a long time to be away from your best friend.

I always joke that my mom is my best friend because I have no friends myself ha ha. Except I do. I have 2 very best friends and then I have my regular friends that all rank the same. My friends are a part of my family ( not literally), we all would do anything for each other no matter what and to be honest, my mom is fucking cool so I don't exactly care who makes fun of me for calling my mom daily to "hang out".

I've tried to not freak out that she leaves tomorrow but I have been crying everyday over it. It's like I'm 6 all over again and she's going to be getting on a flight and leaving for a few weeks. Only now that I'm grown up she can go for a lot longer than that. But I wish she wouldn't. 17 weeks is going to be a damn long time, and she's going to miss all of my funny jokes and stories. But, she is going to have so much fun with her sisters and in the sun and that's kind of all that matters. Since I was born she has dedicated so much of her life to me, her time, her money, her love, her support, her sympathy, her understanding and her awesome hugs that make me wanna cry thinking about. So, if she can do all of that for me I SUPPOSE I could do this ONE thing for her <3

Tara & Brett

After Halloween my cousin Tara and her boyfriend Brett came to Utah from Australia to visit. It was super eventful for them this go around which was really cool. Due to the fact that I super love working 2 full time jobs meant that I only saw them a small fraction of their stay. They spent most of their time at Laura's house and did lots of fun things. 

For the time that I did see them this is what we did...because this is my blog and I know you wanna know everything about my life. Or you wouldn't be here. haha They paid for a number of my family to go to Angies for dinner where we cleaned out the sink and super overate. If you have never been to angies cleaning the sink is like their signature thing. they literally give you a sink and fill it with ice cream and whatever toppings you want and if you finish the sink they take your picture and post it to social media. Of course. It's a super ton of ice cream and having 10 of us made it not so overwhelming. 

Last year when they came I was in the middle of my 'eat all the Betos' phase, so, they ate there with me and actually liked it. We had a little bit of extra time left before I took them down to my sisters house in Roy so they asked for tacos. Now, I don't really eat Betos much anymore so instead we went to Taco Time and they LOVED it!! The little things that I take for granted were things that they were so thankful for. Lower prices, good food, family. 

I was so sad when they had to leave. They are probably my favorite couple ever! Everything is exciting, they love to try new things, they make time for everyone that they are visiting...and we sing 'Dick in a Box' and 'Creep' (((:

Tara, if you are reading this, just know that I love you so much and I have been so blessed to have finally met you! Brett is just an added bonus!! You guys are so full of life and I cannot wait to see you again!!!

<3 <3

Rama & Gary finally come to America!!

So, as you know, my mom is from Australia. So, all of her side of the family is scattered over there. Within just two short years I was able to meet 2 cousins 2 aunts and 1 uncle (: I have only known of one Aunt my whole life until just a few years ago when my mom’s dad passed away and then BAM in comes like 100 more family members..(literally). And from then on I have met my family one person at a time.

This year I had the pleasure to meet my aunt Rama and uncle Gary. They are such great company! They had been in town for about 2 days maybe and I got to take them bar hopping in logan. Which isn’t super great because logan is so small; but they were troopers and still had fun. *side note: I drank 4 AMF’s and a Big Dog and was still standing at midnight* In about two weeks I will get to see my cousin and her boyfriend for the second time. WOOT!!

Today is Gary and Rama’s last night in Utah (I think they’re traveling more). So, my family is having a dinner party in their honor to say “Sayonara”. I thought for sure I was going to miss it due to being a workaholic, but at the last second my boss said she’d single staff for the day. So, thank you Jae you’re a lifesaver!!! I drove down with my mom, Raigen and Serina to my sisters house in Roy so we could start cooking the food and getting ready for the night. This part of the day is boring so let’s just skip to the part where everyone started showing up….shall we??

So, we had a really good turnout, Minus Carrie. Baby Caden was sick. ): I feel like there is always at least one of us that cannot make it to functions. Usually that person is me. so, that was weird. Other than that pretty much everyone was there. All of the kids had fun watching Cone Heads, Adventure Time, and Cloudy 2 with Matt (ha ha). It was just a bunch of crazy people running around the house like chickens with their heads cut off like every family gathering. That’s the perks of having 6 kids…comes with a lot more grandkids..Dinner was great! My mom made Polynesian food and we all soaked up the last bit of company we could with Rama and Gary.

 When I took Gary and Rama to the bar, they only drank Bourbon and Coke. So, at this party, they already had an open bottle of Bourbon but decided to go to the liquor store and buy another bottle. Because, you know, just in case. They came back and Gary pulls out 2 glasses and I just figured that he was going to serve Rama and himself..duh. No, he pours about a shot in this half size glass and says “Annie, do you think this will be enough”? Still not reading much into it I say “sure”? Then, he pours some coke in the cup and hands the cup to me and says “cheers” and then clinks my glass. Because I have a way of making everything weird I looked down and said “thanks, I really was thirsty too”. Ba ha ha ha. Towards the end of the night we had almost finished the already opened bottle and Gary turns to Rama and says “yeah, I thought I would be good, but this one is drinking me under the table”. Which, made my head grow a little big. Ha ha I don’t need to know I can drink anyone under the table, especially a grown man!  

Thinking that this party was the last time that I would see them before they left I followed them around like a lost shadow. Then, my mom says that she’s thinking about going down again the next day to say goodbye. Remember, we live all the way in Hyrum. I looked at my schedule on my phone and saw that, welp, that I had the day off. WOOT. So, my mom and I went down the next day and said our final goodbyes. )’: 

*All of the photos with the whole family are unfortunately NOT on my phone. So, perhaps if i stumble upon one I like then I will post it to here 

<3