Depression.

I never admit when things are my fault. I never admit I'm struggling. I never ask for help unless I know it's not something that won't put someone out. I always wait until it's too late. But, I will surrender and admit that I am depressed.

Please don't judge me as I word vomit through this..

What do you think of when you hear the word "depression"?

• Lost interest
• Being sad
• Being angry
• Hiding
• Being scared
• Anxiety
• Crying for no reason
• Tired
• Insomnia
• Drinking in the morning

I checked off all of these unfortunately, and I am currently drunk. *have you noticed every blog post is when I'm drunk??  <---that's where my best writing comes from. No filter.* I don't wake up every morning hating my life. Although some days I do. I don't wake up every morning and cry. Although some days I do. The other day I was genuinely happy as I got to see my favorite friends and in a split second my chest started hurting and I wanted to cry/hide/end the day and then after a few deep breaths I was able to continue enjoying my night. This year has literally been one to test my strength. In April I lost my soulmate and very best friend. Then, exactly 6 months and a few days later, I lost a man I considered a second father. THEN last weekend my dad lost his cousin. So, I have every reason to be depressed It's just recognizing it that is the rough part. Is it possible for depression to just come and go? Or does it come and just stay? Am I actually depressed?

I talked to my bestest friend Jaelise (I'll call her out because she is my wisest friend). I said, "I think I'm depressed" and that I thought I might have been depressed already but hadn't recognized it until this last weekend after my family lost Reta. She replied "What made you realize it"? So I explained pretty much the same things that I have addressed above and this is why she is my wisest friend. "I think it's 'situation depression'" ever heard of that? Me neither. Situation depression is where your circumstances make you feel depressed overall but you can still feel happy.  She hit the target, huh? That's why she's my finger friend (;

I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I have to be "tested" to see how "strong" I am. I learned in church that God tests you on earth so you see what you're capable of for the next life. So, I have to think...what the fuck am I going to be dealing with in this "next life"?  I know that I am a warrior, and a fighter, and will fucking push through any obstacle I can to get to where I will be happy. But, do you ever get there....to the happy place? You push and push and push through your struggles and then you begin to hit a point in all of it where you feel happy/content. But thats not even your "happiest" you can always be happier right? So does god give you all of these bullshit problems so that you can learn that you can be happier? Either way, it's something that I clearly do not understand and right now I don't want to care. Depression talking?

I guess I'm part of the percentage that just doesn't take death very well. I might delete this so I hope you read fast. When I made this blog I wanted to show you all my life which is so fucking insane that I need a T.V. show sometimes. But, as I continue to tell stories of my life, it is much crazier than I ever thought. Kudos to those who have stayed in my life and continue to love me even though my life isn't what it should be. Although neither is yours...and that is why we are friends (:

Today I went and saw Bubba before a meeting I had today. All that I asked him to send me some good vibes for today and that I loved him. While I was there the sun came out. I don't know how much of the afterlife you believe in...but I believe that my Bubba is somewhere special. Somewhere magical. Whether it's heaven or somewhere else...I know he's safe and that makes me feel better.

I always start blogs and then I don't know how to close them so I just keep typing until I think of a way to close my "thoughts" or "word vomit" whatever. All I can think of is...I am human. I admitted something that I never would. Especially publicly but I did. All I ask is that you are patient with people who are going through depression. Whichever stage of depression they are going through is scary for them and they need you even though they don't tell you. Just be there. I don't even make people talk to me their presence and love is enough to get me past my negative life thoughts.

The End.