Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry, Happy Christmas.

I am sitting in my little decorated home alone this year and thought about this God forsaken holiday and how I wanted to share with you all why I hate it. (:

Ok, so, a few years ago I wrote a post about humans being greedy monsters and that was the reason that I hated this holiday..and that is still currently very accurate. I really dislike how at the beginning of the year we are all "I'm going to be a better me" with our stupid resolutions that last 2 weeks. Kudos to you if your resolution never ended (1%). Then we get into the spring and summer months and yeah, everyone is an asshole, but you get over it because there's sun and everyone enjoys sun. Then, the season keeps changing and all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving and this is usually when my tolerance for others goes down F A S T. "Day one, I'm thankful for my family" Day two. I'm thankful I have a job" "Day three through fourteen. I'm super late so I'm going to write a long novel about what I'm thankful for to make up for the days I missed." -I'm at fault for this too but in my defense I was 20 and a crowd follower ha ha. Thanksgiving dinner happens and we're all like, "everyone be safe and be kind." and then that same person who posted that beat someone up in Wal-Mart the next morning on black Friday over a T.V. like, weren't one of your thankful days that of being thankful you had a T.V. to watch the football kickoffs or whatever?

Then, that fucking Mariah Carey song is E V E R Y W H E R E you turn. One day I literally watched 3 Snapchats in a row and all 3 of them were of that song. #EyeRoll. And if it's not that song, it's every other Christmas song and you just want to punch a wall. I love country but the only thing worse than a Christmas song is a  country twang Christmas song. Y U C K. Then it snows and everyone's a far more shitty driver than usual and it's wet outside and your feet are cold, you slip and your hair is ruined. God forbid you go to any grocery store because you need food for the week. Everyone and their dog is there getting food and they're all ass holes as they stand in groups inconsiderate of others to oh, I don't know, move aside for someone maybe? You have to buy everyone a present and they never like it and most of the time they return it anyways so why bother?? But if you don't give a present you're a huge bitch. Whatever.

Please don't call me a Scrooge. I don't hate E V E R Y T H I N G about Christmas, really. My favorite thing is lights. Ever since I was a kid that was my favorite part of Christmas. Piling in the Suburban and driving around to all of the houses that had decorated. I enjoyed getting a tree this year and decorating it the way I wanted and turning it on at all times of the day. I decorated my banister and was one of the annoying bunch who wraps their door in cutsie paper. I love the spirit of it all and the way I feel when I see someone sparing change on the side of the street. Or footing the bill for whoever is behind them in the drive-thru. I love the kindness in certain people and the way they teach their kids honestly about who Santa really is. I love a child's innocence and how happy they get when the first snowflake falls. I love the beauty of the holidays. The people who give thanks and mean it. The time spent with your beautiful families and sharing more laughs and memories some even just small. I hate the nonsense of the holiday. I hate everything unnecessary. Most of the world ruins it for us small folk. I enjoy too much my simple life. I don't want all of those extravagant things. I just want you to be kind. I just want to love and see love from everyone else.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Absent Minded

These last few days have been very emotional for me. I have been second guessing myself over and over wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. I started to think that it would have been better had I stayed in the shadows like I always have. I knew that digging through my life would either make or break me and I honestly feel like it's breaking me more than it's making me into who I really am. I also have a lot of self doubt so I know that it's just that.

This post may be a little all over the place so I'm just full on warning you..

This morning I was doing my grave shift and I didn't get any sleep before hand because so much has been weighing on my mind. And also because me and my three sisters share a group text thread and sometimes I nap and wake up to 30 messages and yesterday I checked my phone and had 78 ha ha. Anyways, needless to say I was so incredibly tired so I started the shift with some coffee, and by that I mean two, and did random things to keep me awake. I changed the foil on the stove and I did a lot of weird snapchats  (I'm sorry). Randomly I had a thought about Bubba and was kind of blind sided. I'm a little weary of saying this but I need to..I realized in that moment that it had been days since I actually thought about Bubba. I know :/ I immediately felt like the worlds shittiest person. I felt like the worlds worst friend. How do you just not think about your best friend? After crying and staring at the ceiling apologizing I realized that I might not be the only one that this happens to. If this has never happened to you then whatever, you're a really good person and stuff. I had a vent session with a friend today and she confirmed that I am not the only one this has happened, if you were previously judging me then you suck. She sometimes goes about her day and then realizes she hasn't really thought about her mother and said that it doesn't change her love in any way.

I have been doing so much lately. So much work trying to say three things I love about myself daily, complimenting at least three people and meaning it, and a mountain of work related things. My mom just left yesterday to Australia for four months and I have been having anxiety over that...if you know my relationship with my mom then you understand. I'm working on my relationship with Kyle and all of that seems to have sucked all of my mental time. Not all in a bad way either. Maybe what I am doing for myself and my overall happiness isn't what the mistake is. Maybe it is the load I have allowed myself to take on that is the mistake. I also tend to overthink and over-dramatize everything, welcome to my anxiety.

 I know that I carry Bubba with me everywhere I go, I know he is always there. I also know that I am a bother to some people when I constantly talk about Bubba because they feel uncomfortable and even immeasurable, or that I can't love again the way I loved him. And they're right. I will never find someone like Bub, and I will never love anyone the way that I loved him either and maybe that is the point. I mean really, I don't want to love my friends or future husband or children the way I loved Bubba because I want to love them the way I love them if that makes sense. Like, I will love them in our own unique and special way and hopefully that will be enough for them. Bubba was a beautiful chapter in my life and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time I start my new chapter and I have to be okay with that.

This is not a mistake. This is the only right thing I feel right now. My self doubt is strong. But it's not as strong as my gut that has been screaming every purpose I have and reasons why this is the farthest thing from a mistake. So, maybe I'm so busy I forgot a moment to think about Bubba, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. This is me opening my heart to new memories I deserve to have. I hope that you reading this opens your eyes too that it's okay to close the chapter. Your story doesn't stop there.